30 Hilarious Touch to Touch Puns

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...

...so I crashed the car.

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👤︎ u/Poop_Meister69

📅︎ Feb 04 2021

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A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,

"You've broken your hand."

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👤︎ u/timthedriller

📅︎ Dec 31 2020

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My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldn’t touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why

She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”

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👤︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh

📅︎ Oct 14 2020

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10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since.

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👤︎ u/VERBERD

📅︎ Nov 15 2020

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I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.

I was shocked.

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👤︎ u/polkadipolka

📅︎ Jun 30 2020

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Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,

That’s just how I roll.

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👤︎ u/Jackdaking746

📅︎ Apr 14 2020

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The easiest way to get in touch with inner self...

is to buy one ply toilet paper

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👤︎ u/50ShadesOfPalmBay

📅︎ Jul 10 2020

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Since I moved to a plant based diet I lost touch with the fun guys.

Mushroom is not a plant

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👤︎ u/hamadaeleleimy

📅︎ May 27 2020

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My daughter had to stick her hand in a sack to try to guess the type of material by touch...

It was felt.

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👤︎ u/thomasbrakeline

📅︎ Apr 11 2020

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A genie granted me one wish. I wanted to be rich, but didn't want to deal with the IRS and decided I wanted wealth as I needed it. So I wished for the touch of Midas.

After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.

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👤︎ u/notagoodspelller

📅︎ Apr 17 2020

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Call me a thermostat because only my dad's allowed to touch me

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👤︎ u/el_STiiNG

📅︎ Jun 03 2019

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Uh...... Do I need to wash my eyes if I touch them

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👤︎ u/Addicted2Cornhole

📅︎ Oct 21 2019

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I'd you ever need to get in touch with a bike company

Ask for the spokesman

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👤︎ u/GaryTheKnight

📅︎ Oct 09 2019

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"Don't touch" has to be one of the most terrifying things to read in Braille

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👤︎ u/Coleslaw840

📅︎ Nov 08 2018

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An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.

There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.

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👤︎ u/buttsecks42069

📅︎ Feb 27 2019

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If you are cold, DONT TOUCH MY THERMOSTAT! Just move your bed to the corner of your room where its 90 degrees.

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👤︎ u/satirical_whit

📅︎ Jan 07 2019

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I was so happy when my toddler reached out and tried to touch Tom Cruise.

He's already reaching for the stars.

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👤︎ u/Anthonybrose

📅︎ May 30 2019

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I love the way old and out-of-touch people try to sound cool when they use slang they don't understand.

I call it their "artifical hip".

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👤︎ u/SoftCriticTy

📅︎ Feb 17 2019

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Son: "Dad, all I touch turns to shit."

Dad: spits out sandwich

"Is it a goddamn superpower or figurative, and did you make this?"

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👤︎ u/bbgamingandcollect17

📅︎ Oct 23 2018

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What do you call a monkey who likes to touch people?

Chimp-handsy

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👤︎ u/usualsuspektt

📅︎ Jan 30 2018

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I needed a lawyer, so a friend referred me to his legal counsel. But I'm having a really hard time getting in touch with the guy.

A. Goodman is hard to find.

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👤︎ u/garbagearmy

📅︎ Jun 14 2018

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To the tired window manufacturer who let me touch your finished product...

I feel your pane.

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👤︎ u/sum_buddy

📅︎ Sep 11 2016

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I'm going to move to Canada and become a Guru for Sight, Hearing, Smell, Taste and Touch...

I'll be a Sense-eh!

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👤︎ u/Hoodafakizit

📅︎ Jun 30 2017

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I doodled this pun while thinking about dinosaurs. (Any actual artists want to do a touch up?) imgur.com/aYjlc0N

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👤︎ u/captain_lawson

📅︎ Mar 11 2013

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My wife told me to be more in touch with with my feminine side....

So I crashed the car.

👍︎ 3

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👤︎ u/AngryRobin

📅︎ Jan 17 2021

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My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed my car

👍︎ 13

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👤︎ u/Jack-Of-All-Trades-

📅︎ Oct 26 2020

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My wife asked me to get in touch with my more feminine side

So I crashed the car

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👤︎ u/CoinMosquito703

📅︎ Aug 08 2020

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My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed the car and didn't talk to her all day for no reason.

👍︎ 6

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👤︎ u/Roland_248

📅︎ Aug 16 2020

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My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed the car

👍︎ 7

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👤︎ u/Moony-7

📅︎ Aug 09 2020

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Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

👍︎ 15

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👤︎ u/swirley-wirley

📅︎ Jul 05 2019

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