Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say

At least the both have something "in" common.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoiSINNEDsoul73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
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I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor

This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaros262
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
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I doubted the gorgon when she said she could turn me into an insect grip, but then I saw her face...

...now I'm a bee lever.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
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Its tightening its grip on me
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameViolation666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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What do you call a grip that sings?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laughingmoosie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Why do baseball bats tend to break near the grip on Saturdays and Sundays?

Because it's the weekend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSygil
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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What do you do when you friend can't get a grip?

Give them a vice

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prashantuprety8
πŸ“…︎ May 17
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Hop in
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πŸ‘€︎ u/absolutely_tired
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
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With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit o

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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whats the difference between red and purple?

your grip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jordanvbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
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The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashwinvias
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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small babies may be delivered by a stork

but larger babies are delivered by a crane

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyTheShyGuy
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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Guy who designed first handles....

....opened doors to a lot of opportunities.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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Not sure if this has been posted yet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KitPineapple
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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I seriously have to stop dropping things.

It’s really getting out of hand.

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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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Just heard a story about Mariano Rivera teaching another pitcher how to throw a better cutter.

It truly was a gripping story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Preacher_Zero
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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There was a weird Crab

Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.

Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.

After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.

Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/happy_anand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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I recently watched a documentary about door handles.

It was gripping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smolprincess928
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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What's the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redwolve378
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
It pains me to know that someone is out there....soleless. imgur.com/jXsz9wf
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πŸ‘€︎ u/livinin82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2016
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Have you seen the film A Clenched Hand?

It's gripping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cruddychicken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situ

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Why don’t witches wear underwear?

Because they need to grip the broom!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/luigiz23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
You should watch competitive climbing

It's gripping

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Green_Venator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Drove my wife to the edge with this one

We were on the road, and she was complaining about having sore hands.

Me: Do you think your hands are sore because all you've done today is drive us all places?

Wife: Yeah - too much time gripping this steering wheel.

Me: Oh, that's carpool tunnel syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
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My DnD party mate will make a fine dad one day

So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.

Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?

Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?

Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?

Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.

All: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
🚨︎ report
I hate when people get mad at those claw machines

Like, c'mon, get a grip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aardwolf7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Did anyone else see the new documentary on Velcro?

It was truly gripping...

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
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Last Summer With My Girlfriend

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.

Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.

So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRiz89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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True story

I was born in Detroit, and my dad told me this story about this gang in our area. Apparently as an initiation, this gang would stand on top of a bridge that an expressway went under. They had long chain; and by extending the chain low enough, they would try to bust the windshields of cars driving under the bridge. One guy took the chain and wrapped it around his arm for a better grip. Well the chain somehow got attached to someone's bumper, taking the chain with it. It ripped the guy's arm clean off! The police came, and THEY ARRESTED THE FREAKING DRIVER. Unbelievable. You know what they arrested him for? Armed robbery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LavenderGoomes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitte

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Miami Vice
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
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I figured out why I can’t hit my new golf clubs very well.

They have a loose nut on the grip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/quebert123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
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My wife is gonna make a great dad someday.

So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house.

He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy.

In doing so he just clipped my wife's ahem nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay.

She looked me straight in the eye and said "Yeah, it's just a little nip." I couldn't be more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alfrohawk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the snake make such a poor musician?

He could never really get a grip on his scales.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
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Got my uncle a couple nights ago.

So, my family was having dessert, and my grandfather took my uncle's coffee when he (my uncle) left the room, ya know, to make sure it was safe to drink. Well, my uncle comes back, sits down, and wonders where his cup went. He saw it across the room, and then does one of those mime things where he throws an invisible lasso around the cup and "pulls" himself to it. He's pushing 190lbs, and as he got off the couch, still gripping hid lasso, i said "Wow, that's a strong cup of coffee." Him and my grandfather couldn't stop laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Stalin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
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I don't know if this quite belongs here, but..

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shzt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked on Instant Messenger (at work)

My dad works in the office on the floor below me. He's been with the company for almost 18 years and is coming to grips with the instant messenger we have. This little gem popped up today;

Dad; Every time I see a castle I swear.

Me; Huh?

Dad; I must have turrets syndrome.

I close the conversation, and groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/retailrobin88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
The best dad jokes are the ones you laugh at more than the audience...

I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Sven
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Fred Flintstone was driving to work one day...

...and accidentally hit a curb going around a corner. Since then, any time he loosens his grip on the steering wheel, his car drifts to the right. Knowing he needed to have it serviced anyway, Fred goes to the local dealership to figure out what's going on. At the service desk, Fred talks to the manager about how his steering wheel is acting funny.

Service manager: "Oh, that's pretty common. You just need an alignment."

Puzzled, Fred asks, "What's wrong with it that an alignment can fix?"

Ushering Fred over to his car, the service manager answers, "It's pretty obvious, actually. If you look right there, your front driver-side wheel has too much toe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faerco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm a Dad. My spousal unit tells me this belongs here.

At a reptile exhibit: "My milksnake brings all the boas to the yard."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jason_pancake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Watching Titanic When My Dad Hit Us With This One

Jack is dead, floating in the water, holding on to Rose's hand

Rose: sobbing I'll never let go Jack. I'll never let go.

Lets go of dead Jack's hand

Dad: Well he had a death grip on her, didn't she??

Since we support even all of my father's jokes, we actually laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/23baseball3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Those damn leeches.

My Dad would grip the top of my head, and the conversation went a follows:

Dad: Know what this is? Me: What? Dad: Its a brain leech. Know what it's doing? Me: What? Dad: Starving. :3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marisunday
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by my girlfriend. She's a keeper?

"My dad returned his Christmas gift from me because the phone case was too slippery. He needs to get a grip."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-_-kman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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