I've infiltrated their ranks, together we can pun-dermine their authority.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 08 2019
My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!
I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)
Edit: oops guess thay should be 8:58 and 9:02
Update: my wife is going in to surgery for a c section. Everything is going a little different than we hoped but it's OK.
Final update. The surgery went great everyone is doing well. I have a daughter now! Thanks guys.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 10 2022
My 4-year-old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please
Which I think is poor for four.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 27 2022
I canβt believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 31 2022
My daughter just got me goodβ¦ I said, βDid you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?β
She said βyeah because it NOSE itβs thereβ
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Feb 14 2022
Iβve got this disease where I canβt stop making airport puns.
The doctor says itβs terminal.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 28 2022
Just grab the first pun I can find on my phone for cake day, hope you're not disappointed.
π︎ 943
π
︎ Feb 15 2022
While in labor my wife yelled, "Can't, won't, shouldn't, isn't!"
The doctor told me I shouldn't be worried since contractions are a normal part of child birth.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Feb 08 2022
I can't stand my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign
And I'm not convinced by her counterarguments.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 31 2022
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
I know it is hard to believe me but I saw it with my own two eyes.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 13 2022
Who can drink 10 litres of petrol and not get sick?
π︎ 961
π
︎ Feb 21 2022
I canβt come up with any jokes about cutting down trees.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 25 2022
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 05 2022
Why canβt pirates learn the alphabet?
You would think they have a hard time with R, but itβs actually because they always get lost at C
π︎ 489
π
︎ Feb 19 2022
Amish men canβt motorboat their wives.
They can only row boat them.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 28 2022
My wife said, βI can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, βThatβs 15 love.β
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 25 2022
Apparently you can't use "beefsoup" as,a password.
π︎ 561
π
︎ Feb 16 2022
My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away..
That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
π︎ 781
π
︎ Feb 22 2022
Anyone can use my French Revolution joke
π︎ 609
π
︎ Feb 09 2022
I can cut this piece of wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!
π︎ 392
π
︎ Feb 11 2022
Well I mean it canβt spell disaster right?
π︎ 739
π
︎ Jan 23 2022
I canβt believe there are 364 days left until Christmas
And people have already got their decorations up.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 26 2021
The bitcoin I can afford
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 25 2021
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work.
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up.
π︎ 197
π
︎ Feb 13 2022
What food can blind people not have?
π︎ 223
π
︎ Feb 08 2022
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up
π︎ 784
π
︎ Jan 25 2022
Can someone help me make a pun on yak?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 17 2022
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
π︎ 65
π
︎ Feb 26 2022
What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me...
I'm a divorce lawyer.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Nov 18 2021
Why can't classical musicians bend over?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 24 2022
If you're outdoors you can skip this post
π︎ 572
π
︎ Jan 28 2022
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Dec 04 2021
Today, my son asked βCan I have a book mark?β and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesnβt know my name is Brian.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 15 2021
Why canβt bears watch tv?
B/c theyβre always hitting the paws button
π︎ 39
π
︎ Feb 19 2022
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganof
π︎ 530
π
︎ Jan 25 2022
What do you call a man who canβt stand?
π︎ 28
π
︎ Feb 22 2022
I can sum up 2021 in one word
π︎ 939
π
︎ Dec 21 2021
Canβt argue with that
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Nov 17 2021
You can never trust magicians
They might not be playing with a full deck
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 19 2022
This has probably been posted before but I canβt find any posts of it right now
π︎ 988
π
︎ Dec 30 2021
What do you call a can opener that doesn't open cans?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Feb 17 2022
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that βDING DONGβ sound. One of my bosses said βanyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.β
I said βare you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?β
I HAVE WON THE DAY
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 26 2021
What do you call a chameleon that can't change color?
π︎ 112
π
︎ Jan 25 2022
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 02 2022
My co workers canβt stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I canβt help but say
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 06 2021
I have a friend who works at a can crushing factory.
He likes it, but I think itβs soda pressing.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 27 2022
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing
π︎ 50
π
︎ Feb 19 2022
Can we ban the jokes that only work in written form?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Nov 05 2021
How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?
Just one cause then your stomach wont be empty.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 11 2022
I've got this disease where I can't stop making airport puns.
My doctor says it's terminal.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 30 2022
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