I was at the store yesterday and some dude threw a jug of milk at my head

How dairy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-have-lysdexia
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Jugs Judy.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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"Dad! Help! I've been turned into a Water Jug!"

Dad: "You pour thing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.

"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I was walking down the street one day and someone threw a jug of milk at me.

How dairy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pretttc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Cashier, "would you like your milk in a bag?". My dad, "no thanks, keep it in the jug"

He said it every time, and now I do it when my kids are shopping with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanJUnicycle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2014
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My wife keeps asking me to put the kettle (jug) on..

My response β€œbut it won’t suit me”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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Why are big jugs better than small jugs?

Big jugs pack a lot of punch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catsask
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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got pun? 10yr old daughter snuck this on to the milk jug in our refrigerator imgur.com/tbP6spD
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2013
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This water jug's favorite song is "In Distill of the Night" imgur.com/JoMRWwg
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bexican
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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I dropped a gallon jug of liquid laundry detergent and it exploded as it hit the pavement

I said β€œthat’s the end of an Era.”

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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My maple tree has nice full jugs
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Szmurf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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What did Tony the Tiger say to the milk jug when asked about a bunch of swollen raisins sitting in the corner of the fridge?

They’re GRRRRRAPES!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SixPhalaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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The inventor of the jug died today...

Tributes have been pouring in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idonnotknow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag...

I told her to please leave it in the jug.

My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D

The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LS-CRX
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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They told me I wouldn't be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Wait for it !!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmmaJason
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m Dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5amoaJoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Great Dad joke to pull on your Kroger cashier

Clerk: You want your milk in a bag?

Me: Nah, just leave it in the jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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πŸ¦™πŸ”πŸ”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matin1385
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Finally got use use my favorite dad joke

While my girlfriend and I were paying for our groceries, the cashier asked "Do you want the milk in a bag?"

I said "It's okay, you can leave it in the jug."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willziac
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag sir?

Customer: Nah that’s okay you can just leave it in the jug...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotReallyTyler
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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My Dad is Gossip Girls

So my dad is usually really quiet and "submissive" right? Like he doesn't do a lot of loud things except find the distance the chicken had to travel to cross the road in a bad dad joke.

Anyway, whenever one of us(a 6 people family) comments about something in a small group of 1-3 people, he's always got all the information. He just... knows. For example(this happened like 10 minutes ago): Me: "Wow, this tea is pretty sweet today." Mom: "well, did you sweeten it?" Me: "I d-" My dad shakes his head. Dad: "No, the person who made the tea added double the amount of sugar you previously added to the jug." Mom: "Who?" And then he points to the bedroom before I can tell my mom who made my glass of tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charlestheseventh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Dadjoked at Checkout

I am a cashier at Publix and had a guy and his wife come through my line. Upon ringing up his milk I asked "do you want your milk in a bag?"

Dad: "No thanks, I find it easier to take it home in the jug it came in!"

Dad's wife: "Dammit Phil, you say that every time we get milk."

Apparently, even after saying it every time, it still makes him chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jreppa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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At the grocery store, and the lady at the register asks my dad if he'd like his milk in a bag

Dad doesn't miss a beat and replies, "no, just leave it in the jug." I almost died.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GroggyNodBagger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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Here's a fun dad prank.

When my dad was in high school, he was the manager at a small grocery store. He had a bunch of pranks he would play on newcomers, but this was by far the best one. He would have new people take those 5 gallon water jugs and have them "refill" the water fountains by pouring them into the water fountain drains. While he said most didn't do it, some of the less intelligent people did. He joked about this to me once, and we die of laughter talking about it to this day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwnkaikz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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The grocery store checker just asked if I wanted my milk in a bag.

I said "No! Leave it in the jug!" Can you imagine the mess?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyquill81
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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I went to the grocery store to buy milk,

The cashier asked β€œwould you like this milk in a bag” to which I replied β€œthanks, but you can keep it in the jug”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimHP
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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Vase of Base

... this wont translate via text im sure BUT. the other day i walked into my apartment with some flowers and was looking for a vase, my roommate says "ah, i have a solution!" and goes to pull a vase out of the cabinet, but theres a giant jug of vinegar in the way, so she pulls that out first, so I said "thats not a solution, thats a base"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mevanarie
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eidolonxero
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?

Me: no, leave it in the jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pear_tree_gifting
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia....

But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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The cashier asked if I wanted my milk in a bag

I told her to just leave it in the jug

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ktulu92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Dad Joke of the Day

cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?

customer: No, I prefer it in the jug

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marvin_ray
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?

No thanks, keep it in the jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ejmce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Laugh

Me: Goes to grocery store and buys milk. Cashier: Would you like the milk in the bag. Me: No you can leave it in the jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheranad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Great Dad joke to pull on your Kroger cashier

Clerk: You want your milk in a bag?

Me: Nah, just leave it in the jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/funzo1031
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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The cashier at the supermarket asked me if i wanted the milk in a bag

I said I’d rather they leave it in the jug

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NachNach16
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davyh1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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They told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

So far my jugs and vases have turned out fine

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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Cahier:would you like the milk in the bag?

No just keep it in the jug

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geordieelder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Every time we go to the store...

Cashier: Do you want your milk in a bag?

Dad: No thanks, I'll keep it in the jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asquaretospare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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