I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a vampire's favorite drink?

Bloodweiser

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rathabro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
What do you call a triangle thats had too much to drink?

A wrecked angle

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Craftninja7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
What does a person who fakes injuries like to drink?

Champagne!

πŸ‘︎ 305
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boofaka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you drink if you are only a little thirsty in Minneapolis?

A Mini-soda!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you drink while dreaming?

FANTAsy.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumbertoast89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.

He was soda pressed.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Exit202
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Bruce Lee's favorite Drink?

Wa-Tah!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
The 21st century is now old enough to drink.

And you thought the sober years were bad

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
I wanted to make a new soft drink called Emotions

But my therapist thought that was a bad idea. He said it was not healthy to bottle emotions. Others told me that the product would fizz in sales.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do anarchists drink horrible tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MakeMeADonut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I feel bad for fizzy drink bottles

Their life is soda pressing.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a person with Covid like to drink?

Coughy

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arr_jay816
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I once tried to drink Canada Dry

Then they deported me

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

β€œIt’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

β€œJust call me Hoff”, he replied.

β€œSure”, said the bartender, β€œno hassle”.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Marxists only drink decaf tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Majestic_Ferrett
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What is Bruce Lee's Favorite Drink

Waataaaaa

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMeeme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
All he wants is a drink
πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?

Because the bartender keeps saying, β€œCan I get U anything?”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Who can drink petrol in the family?

Uncle Jerrycan.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumbertoast89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone: I’m gunna run down to the convenient store and get something to drink.

Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?

Reali-tea

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of beer does a vampire drink?

Bloodweiser

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Felix-the-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do genies drink?

Wishkey.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Bruce Wayne drink with his scotch?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kill_Them_Back
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy...

It's one part rum, three parts pum.

(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/metermind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Hear about that superhero knock-off group that keeps ordering drinks but pour out all the liquid?

Apparently they call themselves the Just Ice League

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KalNymeri
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..

We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
- Me: why the heck is there small rodents in my drink?
  • Waiter: you asked for some mice!
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the most chaotic drink?

Calami- tea

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/perrytheboss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"

Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?

Rag time

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drfantabulo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
From today I do not drink any more.

But also not less.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pol_Ice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do baby mathematicians drink?

Formula

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gashau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a cats favorite drink ?

Meowtain Dew

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skyhighjams
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is Hitler's favorite drink?

Juice

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikolaospap
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do ghosts drink

Boos

(Probably been done before, sorry)

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tartar404
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens if you drink too much history?

European History.

H/t Mr Miller from 1982. This was how he started class.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dwhitnee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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