Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?

Sham-pain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What do alcoholic horses drink?

Chardonhay... πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The government started banning alcoholic drinks, so I'm selling liquor in secret.

It's a Whisky business

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RevanAndTheSithy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friends and I were discussing about different kinds of alcoholic drinks, and this guy kept talking about a Japanese one

just for the Sake of it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coconutbunch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the alcoholic outdoorsman’s favorite drink?

Oxygen

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purpcicle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m alcoholic

But when I drink Fanta, no one says I’m fantastic...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/math-pro
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
When someone drinks alcohol, people call the alcoholic, when someone drinks Fanta, no one calls them fantastic.

This isn't my joke, I just thought it deserves to be on r/puns

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vVeemo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What would a Muslim pirate say when he finishes an alcoholic drink after an Islam holiday?

Yarrr my rum-a-done!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KMDK2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
After a really bad experience with alcohol, I gave up drinking altogether.

Now I just drink alone.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.

Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BetterThanOP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor said I should drink alcohol in moderation. I don't think I can control my drinking...

... but it's worth a shot!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Drinking alcohol removes pimples.

Not from me, but from other people.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A new study is showing surprising advances in primate evolution: Dr. Thomas Ink, a researcher in southern Africa has found certain groups of apes 'brewing' alcohol by leaving old fruit to stand in water pools then drinking from it and becoming inebriated.

Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pparten
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don’t the Amish drink alcohol?

Because they’re always on the wagon.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loamawayfromloam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do mosquitoes prefer to drink alcohol instead of blood?

Because it gives them a nice buzzzzzzz

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NietRickBroers
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
🚨︎ report
As a struggling dry alcoholic, I had a few dreams where I didn't give in to drinking last night

It was surreal.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ccrosssss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does 5 o'clock not drink alcohol?

Because it's 17.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of alcohol does Luke Skywalker drink?

Qui-Gon Gin

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marktwain6522
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
How do mountain climbers like to drink their alcohol?

On the rocks.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eleventhearlofmar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a country full of naked, alcohol drinking bears who sleep in winter and live on a mountain?

Hibearnation

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edtdir
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
🚨︎ report
β€œI just don’t understand people who drink wine without alcohol.”

β€œWell that’s just grape.

Juice.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majojamo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
The benefits of beer listed in bullet pints:

🍺 Beer is more nutritious than other alcoholic drinks.

🍺 Beer can help protect your heart.

🍺 Beer helps prevent kidney stones.

🍺 Beer lowers bad cholesterol.

🍺 Beer strengthens your bones.

🍺 Beer helps reduce stress.

🍺 Beer may help improve memory.

🍺 Beer helps cognitive function.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but it’s worth a shot."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Somebody should market a beer called β€œOccasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, β€œI only drink occasionally”.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles...

I ponted at him and shouted "he can't be here, he's a miner!" My friend acctually covered his face in shame.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolarBear89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I've gone without booze for a week.

It's been a sobering experience.

πŸ‘︎ 868
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NonDripRises
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
🚨︎ report
A pail o' puns!

1. What is the most important drink in life?

Vitali-tea.

2. What do you call an uptight man with wet tapestry?

A wet blanket with a wet blanket.

3. Describe an uptight man with an erection holding an alcoholic beverage.

A stiff with a stiff with a stiff.

4. What do you call introverted window blinds?

A shutter-in.

5. What do you call an uncooked deer cookie?

Dat doe dough 'dough.

6. What do you call a plant's religion?

Agri-culture.

7. What do you call a football players' phone charger?

A Charger's phone charger.

8. What do you call a clock tower striking twelve?

High noon.

That's all I got.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickDemonic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my English teacher

Short story we're reading is about an alcoholic.

Teacher begins by saying: "Drink responsibly, I only drink on special occasions (jokingly)."

Me: "Is your favorite drink a Tequila Mockingbird?"

insert class groan

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AGMarasco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
🚨︎ report
What did Descartes say after not showering for a week?

"I stink, therefore, I am."

Alternatively: what did Descartes say after becoming an alcoholic? "I drink, therefore, I am."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/F-YR-F
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Alabama, Animals, and Alcohol

There is a law in Tuscaloosa, Alabama making it illegal to give/feed an animal alcohol. So I guess the saying is true, "you can lead a horse to [a] water[ing hole], but you can't make him drinks."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacob87
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
"No more, no less"

Alcoholic goes to the doctor, who tells the man he can't drink anymore. A week later, the man's brother sees him in a bar drinking and says, "I thought the doctor said not to drink any more?"

The man responds, "Yeah, no more, no less."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToothMan22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad texted me this one today.

When I drink alcohol everyone says I'm an alcoholic, but when I drink Fanta nobody says I'm fantastic.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/talkingchimney9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
🚨︎ report
A man walks into the doctor's office and says "Doc, I want to live to be 90"

Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Smoke marijuana?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Do any other drugs or partying?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Fool around with a lot of loose women?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "...what to you want to live to 90 for?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FemmClandango
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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