The cashier said nevermind
It was an Absolut mess.
(Credit Twitter user TheDillonOne)
By the ears!
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
I told the clerk I’d like to try some of their finest beers and that I’d put enema order soon
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
Go on, take pot shots at my invention!
They had his favorite BOOze.
It's a Whisky business
He did it for god's sake.
It kept running through his hands.
One in the group could be heard saying “man, Oktoberfest really brought out the wurst in us!”
Weird flecks, but ok.
So my fiancée and I were at Trader Joe’s, and there was a window you could see through into their liquor store. I turned to her while we were in line to check out and said:
Me: “I’m pretty sure that store is haunted.” Fiancée: “What makes you say that?” M: “Their sign says they have Spirits.“
She let out the biggest groan of disgust while I teared up.
They're not the best, but they'll definitely give you a rum for your money
"How do they make Budweiser?" "Well, Budweiser is made partly from rice and uses forced carbonation, whereas most craft beer is made from barley and the carbonation comes from bottle conditioning." "No. They send him to school."
Four fucks sake
So they had to walk really close together.
But it's a whiskey business
He said it was “a-wee-gull”
They're party fowl
He said, "Have you got Jack Daniels Honey?"
I said, "We do, but don't call me that."
Bought 2 bottles of wine and a 12 pack of beer. The clerk asked, "Will that be all for you, sir?"
"No, I'm sharing this with other people"
"Liquor? I'm just trying to date her!"
Because he was a light weight.
My coworker at a liquor store dropped this on our boss last night, credit to /u/TheCaliCashier. He isn't familiar with dadjokes so I had to bring it here for him.
TheCaliCashier: You know this store is haunted right?
Boss: Bullshit. I worked here twelve years and haven't seen anything.
TheCaliCashier: Well it is, but most the spirits are bottled.
Edit: Correcting punch line to actual delivery.
The Bar of Soap
I'll call it "Tequila Mockingbird"
Wife was holding everything while I drove and I said "Let me know if I should pull over. If you can't hold your liquor, I'd rather you not toss your cookies in my car."
In my hometown liquor store there is a big sign on the door "take your hoods off" meaning the take the hood on your jacket off of your head so they can see your face. My jacket I was wearing has a removable hood, so I unzipped my hood and carried it with me. My wife didn't find it anywhere as funny as I did.
A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister.
The priest said, "it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has.
So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it.
He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"
The priest grunted, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"
I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago.
My parents and I were on our way home for spring break when my dad noticed a liquor store called "The Wine Spot." He pulled into the parking lot and started complaining "I'M TIRED, MY FEET HURT, I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE HOME" and pulled right back out. I didn't get it at first but my mom did and then I quickly followed and just lost it. Best dad joke he's done so far :')
So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, "Sloths of Anarchy" and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA! THIS WILL BE PERFECT
He hands me my receipt and I say, "Hey man, I like the shirt" falling for my trap he replies, "Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show?" My genius reply:
"Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow"
He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing. Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes.