Why is booze better than carrots?

Carrots maybe good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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What do you call a popsicle with booze in it?

An alcohol lick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I’ve decided to give up drinking and replace booze with mashed potato...

I guess you could say I’ll just be getting sMASHED from now on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Js_sampson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I accidentally broke my most expensive bottle of booze in the house!

Luckily, I was able to fix it with my scotch tape!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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During this virus outbreak, I'll be isolated with my bottles of booze.

I call it my... liqourantine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSygil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Pirate 1: Arrr... would you like to drink some of my booze?

Pirate 2: I made tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Booze
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Antonio_877
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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What’s the best kind of booze if you want to dance all night long?

Wild Twerky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brisquet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Why did the depressed person put his booze in the elevator?

He wanted something to lift his spirits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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I always say no to booze

but it just won't listen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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One night, a beekeeper was chilling on his couch with some booze.

"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.

His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.

"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"

The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrayCon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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To live a long and healthy life you're supposed to give up cigarettes, booze, and fried foods.

Well maybe you won't actually live longer, but it sure will feel like it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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I've gone without booze for a week.

It's been a sobering experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NonDripRises
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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Last Christmas season, I took my son to see Santa Claus at the mall and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa must have thought of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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What kind of booze do smurfs drink?

Smurfnoff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebiofuel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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If Tom Cruise owned a liquor store, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Olaffubbuffalo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Why are ghosts the best to party with?

They bring all the booze.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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BBC coming up with an atonicshing pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smallest_ellie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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How do Ghosts get Drunk?

Booze.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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I got fired for calling in sick with Coronavirus.

I guess I shouldn’t have told them I have the booze flu.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day...

As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zenarai
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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What did the bartender say to the over-served ghost?

That’s enough booze for you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mb72316
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Soda is just angry water
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomaatoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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Why do ghosts hang out at bars?

Because they like booze.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2016
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I got a joke about a functioning alcoholic.

The punchline works, but it gets a lot of booze

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoomanpupper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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A little morbid, but he's my dad.

I came home college to find a life insurance policy with my name on it. I asked my dad why it was for so little, and he relied with, "that's just to cover the booze for the celebration party."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dreamerkid001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Miners

Snow white is rummaging through things in the house when the seven dwarves urge her to stay out of a certain chest. She opens it to find it filled with booze, to which she says,

"You dwarves shouldn't be drinking! You're miners!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NitroNihon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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If I ever open a comedy club/bar

I'll call it Cheers and Booze

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spite_baby
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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Talking about alcohol with my friend, and he pulled a dad joke

Me: I need booze.

He then Yells: BOOOOOOO!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GilfMagnet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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Dadjoked at the liquor store today...

The computer at the liquor store froze while I was on cash. An older guy placed his booze on the counter and I said, "sorry, I can't serve you right now, the computer is froze." He looks me in the eye, says "well, it is pretty cold outside" and then walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_dippinthewic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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Carrots may improve your eyes

But booze will double your vision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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