Carrots maybe good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision
An alcohol lick
I guess you could say I’ll just be getting sMASHED from now on.
Luckily, I was able to fix it with my scotch tape!
I call it my... liqourantine.
Pirate 2: I made tea.
Wild Twerky
He wanted something to lift his spirits.
"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.
His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.
"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"
The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."
Well maybe you won't actually live longer, but it sure will feel like it.
It's been a sobering experience.
God knows what Santa must have thought of him.
Whiskey Business
They bring all the booze.
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
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I guess I shouldn’t have told them I have the booze flu.
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
That’s enough booze for you.
Because they like booze.
The punchline works, but it gets a lot of booze
I came home college to find a life insurance policy with my name on it. I asked my dad why it was for so little, and he relied with, "that's just to cover the booze for the celebration party."
Snow white is rummaging through things in the house when the seven dwarves urge her to stay out of a certain chest. She opens it to find it filled with booze, to which she says,
"You dwarves shouldn't be drinking! You're miners!"
I'll call it Cheers and Booze
Me: I need booze.
He then Yells: BOOOOOOO!
The computer at the liquor store froze while I was on cash. An older guy placed his booze on the counter and I said, "sorry, I can't serve you right now, the computer is froze." He looks me in the eye, says "well, it is pretty cold outside" and then walked away.
But booze will double your vision
