I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
I found out my dad watches the same Japanese time stop videos as me. when he approached the subject during a football game halftime. Being drunk, i confessed... He waited until his friends all left and pointed straight at me and said:
'It's about time, son...'
We both cried
What did Zeus say when he saw everyone getting drunk and acting foolish on Mt. Olympus?
How do you get a panda drunk
What do you say when you are going to drunk dial someone?
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
I saw a drunk dude riding in a boat on the chests of four women with average bust size, one of whom had a single mastectomy.
He was sailing on the seven C’s
Its 1:30 and im drunk, thought this was comical
What did the hispanic who took 2 too many drugs say? Help i think I over(dos)ed
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...
It's easy to tell the difference between sober and drunk pedestrians.
The difference is staggering.
I saw my wife slightly drunk yelling at the TV saying “don’t go in there you idiot”
She was watching our wedding video again.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/…
What’s the worst thing you can remember doing when drunk?
I remember I came home one night and fixed a dartboard to the ceiling.
Spent the rest of the night throwing up.
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
What did the drunk say to his buddies as he left the bar?
AL-CO-HOL you later!!
(Stole this from a show dont come for me)
Pretty stoked it's the weekend! Gonna relax and get drunk hans style...
Why do so many people hook up drunk?
Beauty must really be in the eye of the beerholder
A cop ran into a drunk driver and asks the question “How high are you?”
The drunk driver responds: “No, its ‘Hi, how are you?’”
I get drunk and make stupid memes
Did you hear about the guys that got drunk at a Trump rally last night?
They kept chanting “FOUR MORE BEERS!”
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
Drunk driver overturned his van on road carrying snooker equipment.
Police says he is under a-rest and there is cues a mile long.
How does Super Mario get drunk?
What do you call a drunk dino?
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"
So, in the Bible, Lot's daughters got him drunk and had sex with him, ultimately getting pregnant...
I bet Lot's wife was salty when she found out.
A toilet, a urinal and a very drunk sink are all at the front of a club, fighting and arguing with the bouncer to allow them and their extremely intoxicated friend inside.
Repeatedly shouting “Let that sink in!”
Where do monkeys go to get drunk?
Did you hear about the drunk hiker?
I was in Massachusetts the other day and saw a drunk lumberjack...
He was the real Boston Lager
A drunk friend threw up in my toilet
I told him, “well aren’t you looking flush?”
When my Dad gets drunk, he always tells stories about his prize chickens.
He sure loves his cock-tales.
A drunk man eating chips wanders into a monastery
While wandering around he bumps into a old man in robes cooking.
With a grin the drunk man asks “Are you the fish friar?”
“No brother” he replied “I’m the chip monk”
My son tried to convince me that Jim Morrison was just an overrated drunk, so I angrily sent him to his room...
Nobody slams the Doors in my house!!
How much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk?
I always find myself getting drunk on planes even though I dont drink
Maybe its because I always get seated on the portside?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV
'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."
As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
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