Wine bottle Puns

Grapeful.

For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!

But it’s also easy to screw it up

When we work together, we are a grape team!

And then I hit him back and he kept on WINEing

I guess every Rosé has its thorn!

Me: Because you are a pessimist?

A Corki.

"You're very handsome," the bottle told me.

Surely thats too young to be drinking

That's a grape idea!

And noticed that he'd open it when I visited today. So I ask him "how was the wine?". Instantly he replies "Divine".

I should mention that English is not our native language, but we use it to communicate. Never have I expected him to make puns in English.

My boyfriend looked at me and said "someone's pop'n bottles n da club". He will be a great dad one day.

Wine knot

So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)

Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"

My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"

...Pls send help

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...

"Caught you red handed".

She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.

...and we just asked for another bottle of wine:

Waitress: Do you want the same one?

Dad: No, we want a full one, that one's empty.

Classic.

"Could I interest you with a bottle of wine?" the waiter asked me.

I said, "No, just a glass, please."

Two minutes he returned. He said, "Here's your wine, sir."

I said, "Take it back, I only wanted a glass, remember."

It should come as no surprise that Jesus enjoyed his alcohol. It would be hard to imagine someone that can turn water into wine not having a problem. One day, Peter decided to say something.

"Jesus, we will follow you anywhere, but we are starting to get concerned about your alcohol consumption"

"Really? I don't see an issue, I rarely have any alcohol", He replied.

"Jesus, you are drinking right now" said Peter, pointing at the bottle in his hand.

Jesus looked at the bottle. "This? It is water, the color of the bottle just makes it look like wine"

But Peter knew better, and no matter how much Jesus tried to explain that it was just the look of the bottle, Peter knew that Jesus' argument did not hold water.

Bought 2 bottles of wine and a 12 pack of beer. The clerk asked, "Will that be all for you, sir?"

"No, I'm sharing this with other people"

A husband and wife are enjoying dinner with a bottle wine when the wife stops and says "you've always been there for me, through thick and thin, I don't know how I made it so far but I couldn't have done it without you". The husband turns to her and says "Wow hunny, that's so sweet, is that you or the wine talking though?". The wife turns to the husband and says, "what the hell are you talking about? I'm talking to the wine".

My girlfriend's dad (Rocky) makes his own wine and I want to make him a bunch of punny labels for the bottles as a Christmas present. Current leading contenders are:

• Rocky and Bull-wine-kle's Alcoholic Grape Juice
• Rocky Start Wineries
• Rock Hard Wine

Any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Sorry for all the wine-ing...

Wife telling her Husband a Dad joke, which he then animates. She's got chops, even a bottle of wine deep. http://justsomething.co/husband-animates-drunk-wifes-joke/

"Is anyone going to get in on this bottle of wine with me?"

"Do ya think we'll both fit?" (Snickers loudly to himself.)

We had a little family get together for my sister's birthday last week. My dad bought a platter of cheese and a bottle of merlot. He said "Cheese, they say, gets better as it ages. I don't want to hear you wine about getting older".

Groan

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

My dad asked my mother to pour him another glass. She poured the wine the same way you would pour water into a bottle, but it is common knowledge that you must tilt the wine glass for a proper pour.

Me: "Aren't you supposed to pour it on an angle?"

Dad: "Why yes, how else would the wine come out?"

I nodded and silently wished I could be half the man he is one day.

My sister and I took my parents and uncle out to a nice restaurant for my mom's birthday tonight.
My dad and uncle ordered a bottle of wine. At the end of dinner, my sister exclaimed "You guys finished the entire bottle?!"
My dad looked confused and held up the bottle, saying "What do you mean? It's right here."

I was at a restaurant a while back with my parents. They were about half way through their bottle of wine when the waiter came over and asked, "Can I have your cork?", to which my dad replied, " No! Get your own cork." He was chuckling for a while....

We're on vacation in paris, eating at a restaurant.

Dad: Are we up for another bottle de vin? (terrible french accent)

Mom: Hey, C'est la vie.

Dad: La vie, but what about the wine?

So we're in a wine shop and we overheard this guy, talking about how he keeps his Silver Oak Cabernet Sauvignon bottles in his fridge and turns them a quarter way around every now and then for storage. After the guy leaves, dad turns to me and says,

"That's riddle-iculous."

At the dinner table, empties a bottle of wine.

Now thats what I call a dry white.

Every time.

Waiter: "Here's that bottle of wine I'm sure you were waiting for."

My dad: "We were waiting with bated breath! Wait, if you've just eaten sushi, are you waiting with baited breath?"