A list of puns related to "Beer Jokes"
It was quite the brew-haha.
I am very attractive...
She gave me a mean look and said “I’M PREGNANT!”
And I said “Shame on you! You shouldn’t drink so much, you’ll hurt the baby!”
Me: Hey pop you wanna beer?
Dad: of Coors I do!
"Of Coors its good"
then loses his shit
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.
The difference is staggering
Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never understood why. Son: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein Me: That son of a bitch!
And yes, just to be clear: not original, saw it on discord, checked this sub, 6 months since last time this joke was posted here.
A guy walks into a bar on Ash Wednesday and orders a beer. "I'm really having a hard time trying to decide what to give up for Lent," he tells the bartender. "Well let me tell you a little cautionary tale about giving things up for Lent," the bartender says. "A particular family in LA has been abstaining from using one letter of the alphabet for Lent each year, since 2001. It started as a joke, giving up "A" in 2001 and "B" in 2002, but developed into a strong family tradition. This year, one of the members has a tough choice to make. Unlike the rest of the Astleys, Rick made a solemn vow... "
Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"
Me: "No it doesn't”
would I just have beer?
Kristen: Sure!
Christen: thank you
Kris: Anytime
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:
How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!
Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.
What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: "Sorry we done serve food here."
Mushroom: "Come on, I'm a fungi..."
PS. I know a similar joke was recently posted, but I've always loved this two parter version.
Beer nuts are $1.47, deer nuts are under a buck.
Made this joke up in the 3rd grade (you can't tell by the pricing). I'm very old now. Still a winner.
Except maybe once in a Blue Moon
and says "let me get uhhhhh.."
"Uhmmm?"
"A beer"
Bartender says, "sure but what's with the big pause?"
Bear says, "I was born with them"
This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.
I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.
Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"
I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do.
Last night, I tried to tell my 10 year old daughter the classic "Kangaroo walks into a bar" joke. For those who are not familiar, a version of this. I got to the point where the Kangaroo orders the first beer, and my daughter interrupted me with "let me guess - the beer wasn't hoppy enough." Nope. But I like the way she thinks!
I was on my honeymoon last week, and my wife was getting Snow White's signature.
Snow White: Did you get her ring from Grumpy or Sleepy?
Me: Grumpy. I traded him a case of beer for it.
Snow White: Oh, Grumpy can't have that stuff. He's a miner.
Where are the Disney dad jokes?
...and we just asked for another bottle of wine:
Waitress: Do you want the same one?
Dad: No, we want a full one, that one's empty.
Classic.
We order the same beer. Waitress brings them over. Dad jokes, “excuse me which one is his and which one is mine? Heh heh heh”
Ugh
We were placing our drink orders:
"I'll have a coke."
"Is Pepsi okay?"
"I don't know, what happened to him?!"
I'm not sure if the joke went over her head, or if she was annoyed from hearing it, but she didn't laugh as much as we did.
I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.
Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"
Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."
As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.
Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"
Husband: "I'm hanging on."
The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.
So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.
Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"
Bartender groans.
Wife: "Yes, please."
I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.
When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.
After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".
He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.
Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.
...orders a beer and a mop
"How do they make Budweiser?" "Well, Budweiser is made partly from rice and uses forced carbonation, whereas most craft beer is made from barley and the carbonation comes from bottle conditioning." "No. They send him to school."
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡...and asks for a beer and a mop.
*I am a bartender, and was told this dad joke while working last night. After it sunk in, I bought the patron a beer.
One of the funniest school puns; science puns
Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.
A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.
Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.
I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your “style.”
I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.
Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?”
“Ye
... keep reading on reddit ➡A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;
But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;
And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"
Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.
She was talking to her Dad about how she didn't like beer, but only drank it when other people did to fit in.
I turned to her and said "So you gave in to beer pressure?"
She congratulated me on my fine dad joke.
I was sitting in some beautiful seats, just past third base down on ground level. A good spot for some foul balls.
After several whiffs, one finally gets close enough to my father, which he promptly takes in the ribs instead of catching, and like before, the bat boy runs by to pick up the ball - only this time he doesn't throw it back into the crowd. Makes our whole section upset (that, and all the beer we were drinking) so he gets booed every time he walks by now.
The dad joke, however, comes from the guy behind me.
"That kid better watch out...I'm gonna talk to his dad. Batman!"
My college roommate's dad had a brilliant way of taking well-known jokes and butchering the punchlines. Could be fun when your kids are slightly older. A couple memorable examples:
So when I was younger my Dad would sometimes make me a root beer float/ice cream float/coke float/etc. But one day my Dad asks me, "Hey do you want a wood float?" I'm not exactly sure what a wood float is, but my experiences with floats in general have gone AMAZINGLY well through this point in my life. So I say yes without giving it too much thought. My Dad brings me a glass of water with a toothpick in it. Enormous grin on his face. Very much the opposite on mine.
I now realize at the age of 26, that the only reason he ever made me the root beer floats and other floats, was just to set me up for one of the Daddest jokes of all time.
Having said that, I will be using this on my child.
My girlfriend NEVER drinks, but she had a little bit of a stressful day this day and was kidding. We were walking into the grocery store after work.
Her: Whew, I feel like a beer!
Me: [squint and give the slightest grin]
Her: I don't feel like A beer! I feel like HAVING A beer!
Me: Well I feel like a beer. Look at all these hops. [hop a few times with feet together like an idiot]
She enjoyed my lame joke.
Passing a graveyard Dad "I wonder how many dead people are in there?" Victim "I don't know..." Dad "All of them, I hope. or Dad "You know, people are just dying to get in there."
Passing a corn field Dad "Wow, just look at all that corn. It's a-maize-ing!"
After a haircut Victim "Dad, did you get a hair cut?" Dad "No, I got 'em all cut."
I realized after I posted this that I included the haircut joke after a road trip title. It was a late night of good beer (with Dad, of course) and I remembered it and thought it needed to be included.
I have been looking through the top post when I came across one that said "what do you get when you pull a cigarette out of the pack? A cigarette lighter" hahaha right? I tell my friends about it since we all smoke and groans all around. About an hour later and a few beers I ask for a lighter since I had lost mine. My buddy (his name is actually buddy) says "yeah man pull your cig out" so I do. "What do you have?" "An unlit cigarette" I tell him" no a cigarette lighter!" Laughs all around.
Tl;Dr. I got dad joked by a dad after I told him the original dad joke just prior.
I found myself using my eraser and shaking the beers on the table which made a loud annoying sound. So, I picked them up, and put them on the floor, and said "you're grounded"!
I just made a dad joke while doing a dad action. I'm going to make a great dad, so watch out ladies.
I just came back from a holiday back to the UK to visit friends and family (am an expat).
While we were there we went to a nice community festival, with some great beers. An American friend of a friend proudly proclaimed that he’d bought a pint of red stout.
Looking up at the board, and seeing the name of the beer, my eyes lit up: a golden opportunity had just presented itself.
‘Nah mate, that’s not red stout, it’s called Red Stoat. You do know what a stoat is, right?
[confusion]
‘Well, it’s a little rodent, a bit like a weasel. You know how you can tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?’
‘Er..’
‘Well’, I says, ‘a weasel is weasily identifiable, and a stoat is stoatally different.’
Cue a puzzled look on the guys face, and a moment’s silence, broken by me and my friend pissing ourselves laughing, not at the joke of course, but at his reaction.
So this was all very well and good, just another in the litany of bad jokes that floats in my wake, and I thought the story ended there.
Karma, however, had other plans…
A few days later, we’re up in the Lake District, walking back to the hotel after a pub dinner. As we’re walking down the road, we see a small carnivorous rodent dragging the recently deceased body of a rabbit back to its home. It was either a stoat, or a weasel, but you know what? I honestly had no way to tell which…
I work at a "field house" before home football games, serving beer n' what not, and a large chunk of what I make is off of tips that come in envelopes. As I pick my envelope of tips up I hear a jingle of coins inside of the envelope. Dramatically I stop and stare at my boss,
"Everything okay?" - boss
"Yeah everything is fine, I just didn't expect this much change in my life."
The surrounding co-workers groaned at the joke, but as I am leaving a lone drunkard walks up to me, gives me a high five, and congratulates me on fatherhood.
I had a bunch of people over at my place last night to throw a birthday party for my best friend. We were just hanging out, drinking beer, and bouncing some ping pong balls around. I proceeded to try some shots like bouncing the ball off the table, then wall, then back to me. I did one that bounced off of two walls and back to me that impressed my friend. She then jokingly demanded that I do it again.
However, when I attempted it this time the ball ended up hitting a beer can on the table. As soon as I saw this I just shrugged and said "I can't!"
The entire party groaned together as I proceeded to laugh myself silly.
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