The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved

He really raised the bar on that one

πŸ‘︎ 356
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...

But all I can think of are inn-jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sycdan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,

"Is the bar *tender* here?"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Looking for a sailing/ nautical punch pub

I’m looking for a punny Nautical pun for a punch I am serving.

Thank you in advance for any ideas

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentuckyderby001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
The final question in our pub quiz last night was β€˜name the indigenous people who are often referred to as Eskimo’. I’m so disappointed I got it wrong especially as....

I-nu-it

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moist_Mandibles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.

He should have told a udder joke

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxhaLat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."

"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."

So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...

...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/feltonpbeaver
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Broken pub quiz machine for sale. . .

No questions asked.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Surreal_Stranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Pub is a magical place

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother" Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother" The other man is still in silent... The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother" The second man finally answer with calm voice "Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightclawCZE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 616
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A nose walks into the pub....

The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.

After all, it was a low bar to climb.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retrohero5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "

Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad stumbles out of the pub and spies a Nun waiting for a bus over the road..

Somehow he manages to weave through traffic and lands a punch so hard the nun hits the deck spitting teeth.

"HAH!!" shouts Dad.. "NOT SO TOUGH AFTER-ALL EH, BATMAN??!!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A penguin walks in to a pub and said have you seen my brother?

The barman said, what does he look like?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I own a steakhouse pub in which the counter can actually pop in and out of the floor

Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SumFunnyOne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œPoor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, β€œSo how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, β€œYou’re the eighth.”

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked a guy in a pub if he wanted a game of darts. He said β€œOK, nearest the bull starts”. ...

He went β€œBaaa” I went β€œMoooo” He said ok you start.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pub that’s famous for its murders?

A crowbar.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katonce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently a bunch of comedians are making their own beer at the local pub.

I don't know, sounds like a big brewhaha to me.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My local pub has put a dartboard on the ceiling

Makes me want to throw up!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
An irishman walked past a pub..

That's it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pricey_gk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My best friend couldn’t come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.

He’s my buddy double.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a Scottish man say when someone steals his drink at the pub?

β€œOi! Where’d me Glasgow?”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two Guys Walk Into A Pub

They sit down at the bar and order some drinks after a couple of rounds of drinking the older man yells to the other β€œI SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” everyone in the pub watches the younger guy, worried for the older man. The older man repeats β€œI SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” . The younger guy says β€œGo home Dad your drunk.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerSealLord
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Oldest pub on the book
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoJoH3110
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The local pub stepped up there pun game
πŸ‘︎ 528
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acbareac
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I ordered rabbit stew at the pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...

...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, β€œYou are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”

The weasel asks, β€œWhat can I have?” The bartender replies, β€œI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
β€œPop!” goes the weasel..

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lavacadotoast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Just walked into a pub full of chiropractors

It's very clicky

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bermobaron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/At_atLaS123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...

And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wB68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JSC_SLP
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle

It was a vile inn

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RocketButtMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 303
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaydenJA3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChristopherLove
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Its a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s a 5 Minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 Minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/t3chnophile
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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