The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
π︎ 349
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.
It really makes me want to throw up.
π︎ 75
π
︎ May 12 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
I'm going to start a brew pub that also offers raisins, nuts and oats.
I'll call it the Granola Bar.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
A new pub opened up that allows minors over the age of twelve.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 20 2021
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,
"Is the bar *tender* here?"
π︎ 30
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Looking for a sailing/ nautical punch pub
Iβm looking for a punny Nautical pun for a punch I am serving.
Thank you in advance for any ideas
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
π︎ 149
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.
He should have told a udder joke
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Itβs a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and itβs a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 168
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."
"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."
So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."
π︎ 35
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Broken pub quiz machine for sale. . .
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
The worst pub Iβve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
π︎ 615
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
Pub is a magical place
In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still in silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother"
The second man finally answer with calm voice
"Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
A nose walks into the pub....
The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 20 2020
Dad stumbles out of the pub and spies a Nun waiting for a bus over the road..
Somehow he manages to weave through traffic and lands a punch so hard the nun hits the deck spitting teeth.
"HAH!!" shouts Dad.. "NOT SO TOUGH AFTER-ALL EH, BATMAN??!!!!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
A penguin walks in to a pub and said have you seen my brother?
The barman said, what does he look like?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
βPoor old fool.β thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought heβd humor the old man and asked, βSo how many have you caught today?β
The old man replied, βYouβre the eighth.β
π︎ 132
π
︎ May 19 2020
I own a steakhouse pub in which the counter can actually pop in and out of the floor
Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
I asked a guy in a pub if he wanted a game of darts. He said βOK, nearest the bull startsβ. ...
He went βBaaaβ
I went βMooooβ
He said ok you start.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
What do you call a pub thatβs famous for its murders?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
Apparently a bunch of comedians are making their own beer at the local pub.
I don't know, sounds like a big brewhaha to me.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
An irishman walked past a pub..
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 27 2020
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. Iβll let myself out.....
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 14 2020
My best friend couldnβt come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 08 2020
What does a Scottish man say when someone steals his drink at the pub?
βOi! Whereβd me Glasgow?β
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
Oldest pub on the book
π︎ 81
π
︎ Oct 09 2019
Two Guys Walk Into A Pub
They sit down at the bar and order some drinks after a couple of rounds of drinking the older man yells to the other βI SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!β everyone in the pub watches the younger guy, worried for the older man. The older man repeats βI SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!β . The younger guy says βGo home Dad your drunk.β
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
The local pub stepped up there pun game
π︎ 528
π
︎ Jul 16 2018
I ordered rabbit stew at the pub the other day...
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.
I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
π︎ 51
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, βYou are under-aged. I canβt serve you beer.β
The weasel asks, βWhat can I have?β
The bartender replies, βI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.β
βPop!β goes the weasel..
π︎ 42
π
︎ Aug 26 2019
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
Itβs a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 128
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
The worst pub Iβve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 15 2020
Itβs a five minute walk from my house to the pub. Itβs a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
My local pub has put a dartboard on the ceiling
Makes me want to throw up!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
π︎ 298
π
︎ Dec 29 2019
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 95
π
︎ Oct 05 2019
Its a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 80
π
︎ Oct 03 2019
Itβs a 5 Minute walk from my house to the pub. Itβs a 35 Minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 05 2019
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