Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
Chalk boards are no longer being used in schools, so when the last school finally took them down to install smart boards, the teachers gathered all the writing utensils from them and had a large bon fire just outside the school. It smelled so good.
How long does it take to chop down a tree in Japan?
What do you call it when a bowler knocks down all the pins in a practice frame?
If you chop down a tree in the forest, but it doesn't understand why you cut it down
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
When my father died, in his will he gave me his toupee. He said it has been passed down for generations in our family.
My hair flowed down my back when I was in my 20’s and I’m not bragging when I tell you it still does
Because it starts from below my collar now
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
One time my cat chased down a drone and brought it to me. The drone's owner accused me of theft. In my defense, I said it wasn't stolen...
Two peanuts were waking down the street, one was wrapped in its shell
I was reading a horror story in braille, but I had to put it down
I felt something bad was going to happen
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
After hearing so much about it, I finally sat down in front of a ream of printer paper
I still don’t get what’s so great about paper view.
After Microsoft's A.I. "Tay" became hateful/bigoted, Microsoft shut it down and took measures to avoid such scandals again in the future.
Hopefully, their future robots and A.I. will be more PC.
Little mary jane was walking down the street with her mother. Her mother saw a quarter in the road and went out to pick it up and got hit by a bus.
Little mary jane just LAUGHED and LAUGHED.... she knew it was only a nickle.
If you dig a hole 60ft down, and poop in it, that's some deep shit.
In what African country is it impossible to sit down for a restaurant meal?
My wife and I saw a guy riding down the road with a skeleton in the car. She joked it was so he could use the HOV lane...
I said that can't be right because he still doesn't have any body with him.
When guys miss the toilet bowl and I sit down in it...
Does anyone remember that trend where people would lie face down in random places? I want to sketch someone doing that, but I can't remember what it was called.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
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