I dig it
πŸ‘︎ 522
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams...

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"

"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."

"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.

"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you dig a hole in the ground and fill it with denim?

A jean pool

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Payasin70
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
If you dig a hole 60ft down, and poop in it, that's some deep shit.
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotWizard055
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Citizen Kane is considered one of the greatest movies of all time largely for it's cinematography. One scene in particular is famous for it's "floor shot" for which they had to literally dig a pit in the middle of the stage to acheive the correct perspective.

It was groundbreaking.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BottleSSBM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Can you dig it?

I dig you dig she digs we dig its not a great poem, but its pretty deep.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy--Hoyle
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
🚨︎ report
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill

So I sent him a "get well soon" card

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Funny
πŸ‘︎ 801
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terrell161
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Why did the archeologist have to get a new job?

Because her career was in ruins!

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frenchman was frustrated after digging a deep hole only to have it fill with water.

"Eau well!" he exclaimed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mayo_Spouse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention

But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Stop calling me orange! Impeach!
πŸ‘︎ 912
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Garden pun
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
How to catch a bear

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shartacuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?

The no-shit Sherlock!

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sg1ooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Italian restaurants

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitor’s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: β€œThis full pl8, I’m sure you can appreci8. It’s so gr8. Now just dig in don’t hesit8, I sure you don’t want to w8”.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: β€œIs that a copypasta?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-KFAD-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do dwarves live in mountains?

They dig it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDevilChicken
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Shovels are amazing.

They were truly a ground breaking invention.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaRedditAddict
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Wikipedia on jackhammers
πŸ‘︎ 917
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Booze_Boy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the archaeologist so depressed?

Because his life was in ruins

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumboltQuadrant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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My wife said DO NOT tell this joke to anyone else

Holmes and Watson are about to go out on an investigation. Before leaving, Watson says he needs to use the restroom. He goes in and 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass. Finally Holmes goes to the door and asks if he's feeling constipated. Watson replies, "Yeah, no shit Sherlock!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2017
🚨︎ report
During the pandemic, I plan to build a new underground shelter to live in.

It's my new digs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a grave mistake

But I was able to dig myself out of it

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeOuris
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking. [xpost from /r/Showerthoughts]
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1Darkest_Knight1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Do you need an arc?

I Noah guy

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GameCreeper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run inside and tell my wife about it, and then I remembered why I was digging in our garden

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A sore neck was the inspiration for my wife and I to make up this joke together...

A man was telling his friend that his neck was sore. His friend asked him, β€œwhat happened”? The man said that varmints had been tearing up his yard and that he had been spending hours digging through the dirt trying to repair the damage. His friend says, β€œgo for massage and that should take care of the problem”.

A couple of days pass and the two meet up again. The friend asked the man, β€œhow did it go?” The man says, β€œwell, I have to tell you, they are hard to catch, but once you get ahold of them and get started, those gophers sure seem to like their massage”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdinmd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy came by my workshop today to pick up a replica of his butt that I molded out of silicone

He literally had his ass handed to him.

πŸ‘︎ 495
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DandeLion-King
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2014
🚨︎ report
What did the high archaeologist say to his colleagues upon discovering a trove of dinosaur bones?

Oh wow! Dig it, man!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodLordsTaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant:

1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.

2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.

3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.

4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummonerSpell
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad used to install fences for a living until he got Alzheimer's.

Now he just digs up the same post and reposts it everyday

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"

"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."

"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.

"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I wrote a poem the other day...

I dig, he digs, she digs. She digs, I dig, he digs.

It’s not great, but it’s deep.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akdov
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig, he digs, she digs,

It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spudzzy03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a β€œget well soon” card.

EDIT: HOLY my first award! Thankyou stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanglimara
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Better than Shakespeare

I dig You dig We dig He dig She dig They dig It's not a great poem but it's deep

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/y0natan10
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The invention of the shovel

Was groundbreaking

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimmy-Retard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
The shovel was a ground breaking invention
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thenuthacker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm gonna tell you a poem:

I dig,

you dig,

he digs,

she digs,

it digs,

we dig,

they dig.

Not a very nice poem, but a really deep one.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanko2oo1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm really happy with my new job in the mine.

I'm really digging it.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolishKaiser
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I got offered a job as an undertaker but I turned it down.

I couldn't dig it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistah-S
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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