Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,

we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PavilionFlux
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did Drake dig up and mash potatoes with a rock at the same time?

Tubers, one stone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vladipus223
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.

When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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I hired someone to dig a hole in the ground to get water...

Money well spent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lo0220
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Which pirates dig up the treasure?

Arrrrchaeologists

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamePlayXtreme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams...

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"

"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."

"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.

"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you dig a hole in the ground and fill it with denim?

A jean pool

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Payasin70
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.

But I’m just grasping at straws here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propagansus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A coworker and I were debating on the best way to dig a hole. He said we should use a drill. . .

but I said that would be boring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caferreri11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A lady decided to dig many holes to Chinette, but stopped after the first hole became filled with water...

She decided to leave well enough alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Dig you hear the one about the fortunate piss?

Well, urine luck.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eurt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I was hired to dig holes to plant trees in, but in the end I was only paid $2 an hour.

One might even say I was paid a pittance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sortiack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant: First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant. Fill the hole with ashes. Line the hole with peas.

And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Citizen Kane is considered one of the greatest movies of all time largely for it's cinematography. One scene in particular is famous for it's "floor shot" for which they had to literally dig a pit in the middle of the stage to acheive the correct perspective.

It was groundbreaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BottleSSBM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2016
🚨︎ report
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain

Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, I was digging in the garden when I found a buried treasure chest!

I ran inside to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KittenWarlord87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant

First.... You dig a big pit.

Like, a tiger pit, but big enough for an elephant.

Then, you fill it with leaves and debris and whatever...

Light the leaves on fire and let it burn all the way down to ash.

Next, open a can of peas (or fresh peas if you have them)...

Place the peas all along the outside of the pit, creating a ring around the whole thing...

That way, when the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boogie_feitzu
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the miner so determined to complete digging on a second plot of land?

Because he had one tract mined.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EurassesDragon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Digging deep into the database
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jellybear421
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Let’s start digging at the crack of dawn!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the man say after digging three holes?

"Well, well, well..."

My dads favorite joke. Hopefully it hasn't been done before. Xpost from r/jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jigbaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
🚨︎ report
My son was in the garden, digging a hole. I thought he would get bored and stop but he kept digging until he hit water.

I’ve taught him well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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Nobody is talking about Elon Musk's tunnel digging enterprise, The Boring Company...

It's not very interesting

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/royaj77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Daughter (complaining): :Daaaad, that's boring!" Son (overhearing end of conversation): "What's boring?"

Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.

mum: snigger

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends are digging a hole in the ground to get water out of.

So I sent them a 'Get well' card.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
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Why was the snowman digging through a bag of carrots?

No one knows

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeHeadBanger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
🚨︎ report
A squirrel was digging in the ground.

After a little while he finds something. Another squirrel sees he has found something so he approaches. This squirrel is acting really crazy, shaking and talking super fast. He asks "hey man, hey, hey what did you find?" The squirrel that was digging looks over and says "Your nuts!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musicmanjams
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Italian restaurants

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitor’s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: β€œThis full pl8, I’m sure you can appreci8. It’s so gr8. Now just dig in don’t hesit8, I sure you don’t want to w8”.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: β€œIs that a copypasta?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-KFAD-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I know an archaeologist who found a human leg bone during an excavation. The other archaeologists got excited and went over to help him.

Turned out to be quite the shin dig.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tenglempls
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A gardener said, "I just finished producing some beets, who wants to check them out?"

The cabin replied, "I only play house music." The windmill said, "not me, I'm a heavy metal fan." The backhoe said, "I just dig rock." The plastic baggie said, "I do, I'm a wrapper!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lela_chan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Never marry an archaeologist

They're always digging up the past.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rey_lumen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodLordsTaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
🚨︎ report
A sore neck was the inspiration for my wife and I to make up this joke together...

A man was telling his friend that his neck was sore. His friend asked him, β€œwhat happened”? The man said that varmints had been tearing up his yard and that he had been spending hours digging through the dirt trying to repair the damage. His friend says, β€œgo for massage and that should take care of the problem”.

A couple of days pass and the two meet up again. The friend asked the man, β€œhow did it go?” The man says, β€œwell, I have to tell you, they are hard to catch, but once you get ahold of them and get started, those gophers sure seem to like their massage”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdinmd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
So I got lost in a maze.

I was wandering in circles for ages, but then I remembered some advice my dad gave me. I started digging around until I found water, and I knew I had found the way out. What was his advice? β€œWhere there’s a well, there’s a way.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGreatAutisto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins and was about to run straight home to tell my wife

Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uglyric
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Help I'm announcing a high school soccer banquet tonight and need some dad jokes

Greeting, I'm the MC at a small high school soccer banquet this evening and need some humor help. I play rugby and my son plays soccer so any little digs I can get about that would be helpful too. We are American and I don't know any pro soccer player so please refrain on specific players. Thanks in advance.

πŸ‘︎ 584
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hals318
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"

"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."

"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.

"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant

Dig a big hole, Fill it with ashes, Sprinkle peas on top, When the elephant goes to take a pea, Kick it in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Advaldinho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
How to catch a bear

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shartacuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report

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