Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down Calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.
Times were hard.
A lumberjack was cutting down a tree when he heard a groan. He stopped, listened, and thought he heard a voice. “Who’s there?” he asked. “It’s me,” said the tree. “I’m a talking tree.” The lumberjack paused for a moment, contemplating, then swung again with impunity and said…
“If you’re a talking tree, then you should die a log.”
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
It becomes tearable
Conversation with my 2y old son: What will happen if the moon falls down? Me: Hmm. Maybe we can play football with it?
Son: Nah. The moon has no legs.
I heard once that going down a hill, a bloke tripped with a coffin, and dropped it
He went into a chemist, and said, ‘I need something to stop my coffin’
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
I can cut down a tree only using my vision. It's true! I saw it with my own eyes!
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,
as I can no longer make hens meet!
Put this cheese on some bread with turkey, and I can't WHEAT to GOBBLE it down...
The FBI has been hunting me down for sharing their master passkey. It rhymes with approved and it’s spelled
[removed]
My wife told me a cheese factory not that far from our house burnt down to the ground. I went to take a look to see it with my own eyes and she was right..
..all that was left was de brie.
I rolled a rock down the hill with an elastic band around it, and It hit a passerby.
My rock band, the rolling stones, was an instant hit.
What do you call it when a star has problems with itching, swelling, bleeding, or burning "down there?"
Asteroids.
I got into a fight with the Home Owner's Association about my gate. So they took it down.
I guess you could say they took offense.
I told my daughter to slow down with her homework. It’s like the olympics...
...no rushin’
Nobody believed me when I told them I could chop down a tree just by looking at it, but I saw it with my own eyes.
Little mary jane was walking down the street with her mother. Her mother saw a quarter in the road and went out to pick it up and got hit by a bus.
Little mary jane just LAUGHED and LAUGHED.... she knew it was only a nickle.
When I was out fishing with my dad I put my beer down to change my hook and it fell over and spilled. He looked at me and said.
Brew...tality!
