I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush.
I think it was a steak out.
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.
Guess the pun behind my wreath this year
People who run behind cars get exhausted.
But people who run in front of cars get tired.
Putting a breath freshener behind bars is...
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Bump…
Bump…
Bump…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Faster…
Faster…
FASTER…
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
And…
The coffin stops….
A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots him.
He goes “ they don’t call me the Bartender for nothing”
When the photon left its family behind,
I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit £10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..
“Like £10 notes” I told him
Dear driver of the car behind me.
Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.
My wife poked me behind my balls...
Now our relationship is tainted.
What did the herb farmer say when he was running behind schedule?
He is a behind, but I think he can make it
Never get caught behind Satan in line at the post office.
I got rid of my son’s drum kit but he went behind my back and bought a new one.
There’s going to be serious repercussions.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir.Is the bar tender here?"
What do ducks call their behind?
A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
My friend keeps asking me if I’ll help him build a dock behind his lake house, even though I keep telling him “no.”
Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of pier pressure.
John Deere salespeople stand behind all of their products.
Except maybe the manure spreader
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
A man is walking down the sidewalk dragging a long, heavy chain behind him. A woman asks him, "Why are you dragging that chain behind you, mister?"
The man says, "Lady, you ever tried to push one of these things out front?!?"
Remember the hidden entrances behind bookcases in movies?
It's still the oldest trick in the book!
Behind the death of the the Bishop
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
Initially the US was way behind other countries in COVID-19 cases.
Little did those countries know, the US had a Trump card.
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
Did you hear the one about the secret agent that was captured behind enemy lines with a sheepdog as part of his disguise?
When he was put to death, his captors ground him up and baked him in the oven covered in gravy and mashed potatoes.
When questioned as to why such a cruel and unusual punishment was administered, they stated that this was the only way to correctly execute a shepherd spy.
A coworker and I were talking about our boss behind her back during our lunch.
Later on she found out and said to us : "You disgust me".
And I said : "Yes, yes we did".
The orthopedic surgeon finally found his model of the human wrist behind an old box of golf tees
I guess you could say he couldn’t see the faux wrist for the tees.
I always lie behind my wife's back and I hate it...
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
I was driving behind this guy and realized he is celebrating a whole year early!!
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, "I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner..."
"...has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
I was driving behind this guy and realized he is celebrating a whole year early!!
When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that. But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself:
The project to restore Big Ben was a bit behind schedule, so the construction company put on a third shift...
Men are now working around the clock.
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all
Wife: Why not?!
Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back...
Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
What do u call a flawless bank robbery with no fingerprints left behind?
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
I thought I saw a crocodile in the laneway behind my house.
But then I saw him a bit later, so it must have been an alley-gator.
I saw two cows staring at me from behind a bush.
I think it was a steak out.
I hate when people talk about me behind my back.
If you run behind a car...
I hate people who make fun of my puns behind my back. They discussed me!
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