I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
What did the campers say after the fireworks went haywire?
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go after they die?
After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.
I told her it was because Ken came in another box.
What did the trans man say after his masectomy?
“I’m glad that I got that off my chest.”
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Women should not have babies after 40.
Do you know what happened to Jack Ma after he criticized the Chinese Government?
After a few uses, I decided to get rid of my vacuum.
I got an STD after a one night stand
It was a fun-gal infection
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
What did the kernel of corn say to the other after they sealed the deal?
“I guess it’s kettled then!”
Who works after they're fired?
I’m really worried about eating salads after this E. Coli outbreak.
But lettuce romaine calm !!
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Yesterday the Custodian pulled me aside and asked me to smoke a joint with her after work!
I told her no, I don’t hang out with high maintenance women.
I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What did one mountain say to the other after the earthquake?
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
What did the tree say after it was cut down? I can't figure it out.
What does Padme say to Anakin after he saves her?
“Anakin your a Lightsaber!”
Every dad going to bed after midnight:
Come on, honey. We haven't done it all year!
Somebody hired a hitman after me
He's a real pain in the ass
What did the watermelon say after hearing the song?
"Man, that was so meloncholy"
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What does panda tells to another panda after taking all its food?
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
How does a T-Rex feel after working out?
Kindasoar.
Boyfriend told me this after we discussed our workout today 🥲
I was replaying Wind Waker recently after having binged BNHA, and the idea popped into my head.
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
What did the cop say after opening Jeff Dahmer's refrigerator ?
"He really had a cool head."
After copying the Greeks and Etruscans of course
Why do so many people break off addictions the day after Thanksgiving?
There's a lot of cold turkey to go around.
There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
What happens to elements after they die?
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much
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