What do you after an Apple turns bad?
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
What do beauticians do after they have a big fight?
What did the priest say after putting his plate together at the salad bar?
The guy running my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark.
He’s a total night mayor.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
It's titled "Cheetah After Lunch", but it looks like a flamin' hot cheetah to me
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
What do matadors use to keep their skin moisturized after a bullfight?
What did the lamps do after their date
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”
I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
What did the dog said after it walked over sand paper
What would we call a hurricane after gender reassignment?
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry after eating
Goes back four seconds
Edit:thanks for the award kind stranger
Me with my friend in a restaurant after finishing food
Waiter asking me how would you like to pay sir? Cash or Card!
Me looking at my friend: PayPal
Some guy told a female GI Doctor “girrrrrl you’re so spicy I need a Nexium after having you”
She asks him why and he said, “my heartburn’s for you”
What happens after you and I buy glasses?
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My wife yelled at me after I ate all of our English pastries
Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award
After 10 years of writing, I finally finished my novel, Chronology.
Gave my co-worker a can and asked him to open it. After he opened it I said that he was a can opener.
What comes after USA?
USB.
P.S: Proud of my daughter.
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo Ingles."
After Centuries of having the best hair in the underworld, The Devil has finally gone bald.
Thankfully for him, there's Hell Toupee.
After months of unsuccessful attempts to deliberate talks between warring nations, the United Nations is now seeking additional help.
In a bid to mix music, religion and youth, the United nations has started a new initiative to involve young churchgoers from different countries to sing hymns promoting peace and better for mankind.
This program is aimed to be conducted fortnightly, and is tentatively named Choir-UN-Teen.
After the events of Avengers: Endgame, Professor Hulk opened a custom woodworking business
It was called Bruce Banisters
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Edit: Credit to r/Teenagers for this
I bought a sweet potato and named it after myself.
My boat flipped over during a storm, so I decided to wear it on my head. After all...
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
What did the 25-cent coins do after a round of flipping?
They retired to their separate quarters
Where do numbers from 50-59 go after their death?
My friend challenged me to a hang gliding race, and he got angry after I beat him.
Don't worry, I'm fine after the sex operation
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: it’s a sockrifice.
(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)
I met my partner after we both reached for the same rifle scope.
You know what they say, love at first sight.
Who gets jazzed up to dry off people in suits of armor after dark?
Most people know that after swimming into a wall the fish said "Dam!" But what did the dam say?
What Do Gordon Ramsey's Calf's Feel Like After Running A Marathon?
What did Aang tell the sand benders after they muzzled his flying bison?
You better Appa-logize right now or else!
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
Why do ghosts avoid Bed Bath and Beyond after eating Taco Bell?
They don’t want to get the sheets!
After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in.
It was his claim to flame
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
How did T-Rex feel after bicep curl day?
Coach Butt pushed his team The Doodies into the Toilet Bowl. But, his team was playing like crap after a heavy load. And even though Coach knew his #1 was flushed, he pointed at him and said...
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Been looking after the blacksmiths dog this week.
Got home last night and it had made a bolt for the backdoor.
My street light fixing business closed two months after it opened because it was not profitable
What does a dog receive after he finishes his PHD in genetics?
They say I before E except after C.
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, “are you a vet?”
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
What did the Lawyer say after having a tough financial year?
My income is low-er and this maybe my career's financy low-year.
Did you know that you only become an adult after you've heard a terrible dad joke.
Bob Dylan came to my house the day after Daylight Savings and adjusted all of my clocks.
He said the times they were a-changin’.
My neighbour said he'd look after my dog if I accepted the fact that he's currently dating a punctuation mark.
Neighbours outside just had a reveal party. From all the hooting and hollering after the balloon pop...
I can report that they are having an owl
After years of training as a chef, the only job I got was preparing oysters at a small restaurant.
I have to say it really shucks.
My girlfriend asked what I was doing after I pick up my glasses
Guess the letters after D and Y.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting
I informed my wife that we had ourgrains
After three weeks of my no-carb diet, I had to see my doctor for digestion pains...
...he told me I was lack toast intolerant.
I've heard that after a beheading, one remains aware for a few seconds afterwards
If that ever happens to you, quit while you're ahead
What did the math teacher say after they were magically transformed into a tree?
Gee, I’m a tree.
(It sounds like geometry if you say it out loud).
After 10 years of attempt to lure wemon
I've become a master baiter
A surgeon had three surgeries assigned to the same day. After the first one he said: "One done, tumor to go"
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Stores are reopening after lockdown, and the Lego store has announced its reopening.
However, I recommend avoiding it, people will be lined up for blocks.
After my director friend finished shooting his scene, I handed him a sandwich.
[OC] My friend is teaching me how to count in Spanish, he tries to calm me down when I can’t remember what comes after uno...
He tells me “Don’t Stress”
Chase after a car you get exhausted
Run in front of a car you get tyred
What did the pessimist say after they went to the chiropractor?
Sorry for doubting you, I stand corrected.
After her accident I told my wife to go see a doctor
if things work out, maybe he will pay for her medical bills
In NYC, after these difficult times many people were excited the Lego store was finally reopening.
People were outside lined up for blocks.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils because they dilate...
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
I’m feeling pretty sore after tripping over some clams.
I think I might’ve pulled a mussel.
What’s the saying for when your protein powder gets spilled on your legal documents which divide all of your property after death?
Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
2 seconds after I planed something
What does the Joker say after he lied about which city is he from and people believed him?
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
What did they call the wright brothers after they flew away?
Where does a person go after high school?
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