While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?
After a Viagra salesman died from the effects of the drug, the company gifted his family a casket of a new, high-end material.
They call it mourning wood.
William Shatner, Star Trek’s Captain Kirk, is said to be extremely disappointed after the collapse of his recently launched women’s underwear business...
Apparently, nobody was interested in buying ‘Shatner Panties’.
What comes after the USA?
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
I was watching the rotation of the Earth, but I got bored after 24 hours.
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
Why did the cyborg have to rest after his long road trip?
Because he had a hard drive
Do you know what happened to Jack Ma after he criticized the Chinese Government?
what do you have after milking the holy cow?
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
To those worried about eating salad after the recent e coli outbreaks, I have three words for you.
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
Did you hear about the guy who bought an electric car and got in a wreck just after he left the dealership?
He turned over a new Leaf.
After seeing Watt leaving the Texans
The team’s power ranking will only get lower.
I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
I was diagnosed with Dunlaps Disease shortly after feasting my way through the holiday season...
Yep, my belly dunlaps over my belt.
(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:
Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??
Making daddy proud.
Did you hear about the daughter Anakin had after becoming more machine than man?
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Using my telescope, I could barely make out the British coin worth one fourth of a penny after I launched it into the upper atmosphere...
The cast from Pulp Fiction tested positive with Covid after going camping together:
Do you know what’s next after the USA?
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
After 6 cardiac arrests the doctor convinced me to go for surgery!
I really needed that change of heart!
Teacher: Felix, when is the boiling point reached? Felix: Just after my father reads my report card.
Where did the car thieves go to celebrate after a successful robbery?
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?
What did the campers say after the fireworks went haywire?
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
Why did the man give his wife a box of Super Poli-Grip after their fight?
Because it's a great fix-a-tiff.
The king was found dead after the storm
What did the trans man say after his masectomy?
“I’m glad that I got that off my chest.”
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
Did you hear about the artist who gave up on his uncompleted drawing after accidentally breaking his pencil?
Apparently, there was no point to continue drawing the picture
I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What is the most sought after nation right now?
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
What did one RNA say to another RNA after they came inside from the cold?
It's hot in here. Why do you still have your codon?
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?
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