*the X-Files theme plays* i.reddituploads.com/caaf5…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comoper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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I dad joked while watching the X-Files last night.

My friend was showing me the xfiles because I have never watched it, and during the first episode this coffin at a funeral slips and rolls down a hill and everyone chases after it.

Me "That funeral went downhill fast..." Her "...you're fucking joking right?"

Edit : Apparently not a funeral... exhuming a body. Wasn't paying attention but the sound of the coffin falling caught my attention.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToTouchAnEmu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Came up with this one while watching The X Files: how did the tiger make it all the way across town without being spotted?

It was easy because tigers are striped. I'm so sorry...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fisticuffsmanship
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Jack and Jill went up the hill

to file a complaint about the location of the well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedydita
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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I have a box of papers belonging to my once wife.

I think I'll label it the "Ex-Files"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/syntaxerror4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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How about it

Why did the coffee file a police report

It got mugged

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwnSpecialist8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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a few jokes that will make u laugh

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I would consider myself a pretty rad dad, so here you go: "Why wasn't the document allowed at the children's party?"

"Why wasn't the document allowed at the children's party?"

Because he was a PDF File!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathnautPrime
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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The leader of a church kept making false doomsday predictions.

The church recently filed to be a non-prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IchWillRingen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Lecturer hit us with this one

A duck got a job at a farm, where there was a chicken who ran the place. The chicken was delighted to have the duck join his crew, he personally took the duck around the place and introduced him to all the other farm animals. At the end of the tour the duck asked a question. Duck: Is there anything I should avoid doing here? Chicken: Don't cross the road, you'll never hear the end of it.

Bonus: http://blog.rafihecht.com/files/2013/02/chicken-crossing-road.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtmfa92
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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You'll never guess what I found on top of the secret files.

It was the top secret file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bhattlebone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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What’s the other term for the sex offenders list?

The pedo files

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s0_0k
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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My dad pulled this one at dinner last night

My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"

He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.

Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-truth-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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I was at home writing a play the other day when Microsoft Office needed an update.

It said I needed to install a new copy of Word-- but when I did, the file type was no longer compatible. I actually had to copy and paste it from a window of the old Word to a window of the new Word.

You were probably expecting a pun in this story, but there isn't one-- just a little play on Words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tribunal_Power
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Someone broke into the hardware store and stole all hardened steel tools cutting ridges for forming or smoothing surfaces...

All the files were deleted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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During my class today

Instructor: "Everyone can access their student website right? There's a huge file thats hard to pass through the website"

Me: "Have you tried using a laxative?"

Here's my first shitpost.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iAmReallyJoe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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Got my husband with a joke I thought for sure he's heard before...

He was talking about how he would love to have a pirate wife. I said, "Pirate wives can't finish the alphabet... They get stuck at C..."

He laughed and told me to get out. I asked him, "You've never heard that one before? Are you C-rious?"

I think he is going to file for divorce now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdnpirate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
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Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Jokes for driving by the beauty school

Each time we drive by the beauty school I attempt a dad joke. Here are some of my favorites.

I wonder how often they use highlighters in their coursework.

Do you think they have extension courses?

Students are dying to get out of there.

Does every teacher allow makeup work?

You know, they're doing the opposite of filing for unemployment.

I wonder how often they change the locks in there?

Do you think cutting class is a requirement?

Does each student have a permanent record?

Do my puns make you want to curl up and dye?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentuckeyken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2017
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My dad on a large file his colleague sent him

His colleague sent him a file that was 504mb, so my dad said it might take a while to download (they were on the phone). His colleague said "nah it won't be so bad right, you have an Apple too right?" My dad responded "yeah but it's an old apple, a granny smith". He was very pleased with himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJustSamOne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
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Star Wars Puns

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!


Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!


Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short


What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi


What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks


What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be


Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul


Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!


Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!


Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.


Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.


Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.


What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.


What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda


What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2


Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt


What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? β€œThe” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.


What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.


What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2


Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.


Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt


Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe


What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett


What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke


Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.


Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn


What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones


Why did

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Excellent dad joke

Girlfriend: "I'm emailing you the excel file." Me: "Excellent."

She doesn't want kids, but little does she know I'm already a dad at heart ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keith2154
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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Dad joked by a guy I had just met in a bar.

I mentioned that I can't twerk, and I try when I am in the shower so no one can see me.

Him: That sounds dangerous!

Me: Yeah, its pretty slippery.

Him: But, if you get hurt you can file for twerkman's comp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natty_Ice
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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My 10-year-old daughter just got me.

Was on the phone with my ex-wife (her mom) discussing when she would pick up our daughter for visitation tomorrow and she (my ex) was telling me about a minor fender-bender she was in the other day.

She said she filed a police report since the other person drove off and I replied that she did the right thing to cover her ass, and my daughter pipes up: "that's because she's wearing pants, daddy!"

I have to be doing something right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoofaFighters
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
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About the newest Microsoft patch

Microsoft confirms that there's an issue with their most recent patch: it can corrupt Windows installations. A Microsoft developer by the name of Benedict [Last name withheld due to reddit rules] admitted that the code he wrote was faulty and could lead to corruption of some system files. However, Microsoft still recommends downloading the patch, since these cases are rare, and a tool that repairs affected installations will be available by tomorrow, and can easily be downloaded, since the faulty patch doesn't break any Internet features. Microsoft estimates that only 0.002% of Windows installations will be affected, and that on all other PCs, the patch does fix the bug it addresses. Although some sources on the net claim otherwise, Microsoft states that...

Benedict's Blunder Patch is low-key.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
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A short story

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scshunt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
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Need some creative help for making a t-shirt for a school group.

Using this image, can you give me a good catch phrase that is punny using around 7 letters or fewer, and having something to do with taxes, finance, helping people. The t-shirt is for a volunteer group at a law school that helps indigent people file taxes and participates in community education and advocacy in the area of financial literacy.

Thanks for all of your help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beef_creature
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2013
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A dad joke story

Jim was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands slippery with sweat and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes. No ambulences were available so he called a toe truck, but he got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached. He could not walk right, so he could not work. He got workers comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation. He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he may find an answer. It said "Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters." Having nothing to lose he followed the instructions and reached the glade spoken of. There was a line drawn that said "wait here." And wait he did for over an hour, and just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. "Ask your question," it said in a raspy voice. So Jim related his tale of toe woes. After listening the many toed toad replied "Have you tried the supermarket?" Jim wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it: The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them. He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and jim ran off (little did Jim know that the toad croaked soon after) He was able to walk normal again, his wife came back, he got his job back and everyone lived happily ever after.

Oh the punch line? It's over there by the table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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Dad asked where I keep my hand files (tool)...

In the filing cabinet, of course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bandit04
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
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How does a scary divorce start?

The Ex-Files

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImaGonnaGetYou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2016
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Taxes

As I'm filing my taxes, I said to my wife in the other room "This is really taxing." She came in and asked "What is?", saw what I was doing, and groaned then chuckled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluedoggg42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
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Dad joked by a word document

So I'm working a summer desk job where one of my duties is to print and cut out stencils to use in labeling materials. I open up the stencils file so I can use an existing document and make sure I get the formatting right.

I was going to pick the first one when one near the bottom stood out. The document was named "Walrus". None of what the business does deals with aquatic life. All the other things are named after what they are, such as "Sheets" "Towels" etc. So, for curiosity's sake, I had to open the document--

And the stencil said "5-Foot Seal". I groaned at my desk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/runaroundsue
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
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I've been son-joked

I brought my son in to my office the other day, and he asked me why my filing cabinet had such a big lock on it.

"That's where I keep all my secret files," I replied.

"Ohh," he said, "So, then the stuff on the top drawer must be top secret."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2Lt-Obvious
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
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My dad was copying files from my computer

He needed some of the files, and when the copying was done, he just pulled the drive out, no safe remove or anything. So I told him "No safe remove?" and then he replied "I did safely remove it. I pulled it out slowly."

Ugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmlkmljkl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra

*What

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gwildcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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My boss got me this morning

Boss: "What time is the meeting today?"

Me: "Umm... 2:30"

Boss: "Go see a dentist, then."

I'm filing a report with HR.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damjo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
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Classic dad joke with fatherly undertones

I was at my dad's office doing some filing for him.

His secretary says, "Here, I have a job for you."

I respond, "Oh, what's that?"

My dad says from the back office, "It's this thing people do to earn money for themselves."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yikeys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
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Power line dadjoked my family

While driving with my Mom and brother we passed several sets of power lines crossing over a river, many of which had marker balls on them. My mom asked why some of the lines didn't have balls, I told her it was because those were girl power lines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nightfoam
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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Dadjoked by a legal opinion

From a trademark case filed by Zatarain's (the jambalaya guys) regarding competitor's "Chicken Fry" and "Fish Fry". Zatarain's lost at the district level and appealed.

"Battered, but not fried, Zatarain's appeals from the adverse judgment on several grounds."

I audibly groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meathappening
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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I don't know, CAN you?

I just texted my dad, "can i call you when i get out of work?" (Nothing serious) I'm at work right now and the way we file prospect students in the admissions office i work at is by the last three letters of their last name and the first letter of their first name. Before my dad could answer in dad-ways, i read the next file and it said "KAN U". I rolled my eyes when i heard my dad say "I don't know, can you?" In my mind.

The message had already been sent and dad's were uniting.

You guessed it, he replied in exactly that manner.

If you don't understand English grammar, which most people don't, I should have said "may I?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apfeldaisies
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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