Can you guys give me really good back puns?
My one year anniversary since i had back surgery is coming up and i cant think of any really good back jokes, if you guys could get the back surgery jokes straightened out that would be great!
I broke my back in a car accident and I'm looking for a pun for my grad cap
So yeah I got into a car accident during college and I wanted to commemorate that on my grad cap. My mom won't let me put my mri, "you should put something positive on your cap, not something negative" so yeah a back pun is the next best thing I could think of putting on there.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle.
Funny name, but she tortoise well.
Five years back I couldn’t pay my electricity bill, those were the dark days of my life
What do you call an angry heavyweight boxer with his hands tied behind his back?
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..
Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.
I can't believe I just dated a german nationalist! But I guess it's obvious, looking back on it
I mean, there were red flags all over the place
What do you call a horse that gets its sight back
A see horse
From my dad tonight
Plant Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot
I miss my three ducks. I want to raise some more. But, come to think of it, they were so rude. They all took off one day, left a real mess, and never got back to me.
I've entered a competition to win the entire ABBA back catalogue.
There's no second prize....
The Winner Takes It All.
Every Satutday night my wife and I watch 3 movies back to back.
This week is my turn to face the screen.
We had a bit of an awkward moment at home a while back...
My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.
A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
My school bully told me I’m bad at come-backs. So I told them that
that- uhhh... that they- they’re- uhhh- stup- I mean- uhm...
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.
Back in the 70s and 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks...
Wow, I’m really dating myself.
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!” I shot back...
Took my wife to the West Indies on Holiday a few years back
Jamaica?
No - she wanted to go.
My wife has the most weird abacus tattoo on her back.
But I can always count on her
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.
It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.
Back in 2005, my father used to roll me down hills in an old car tyre...
I gave my bike a new name after it came back from the bell repair shop
It has a nice ring to it.
I went to a Beach Boys concert a while back
Remember back in the day when Reddit didn’t crash every 30 minutes?
I decided to add a water fixture to my back yard...
Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back...
"Tell him I've already got one!"
After getting back from the beach, my daughter said, “Hey, look! I’m tan from the sun!”
I shook her hand. “It’s very nice to meet you! I’m Dad from Earth.”
I suffered a cerebellar thrombosis a few years back, but I made a full recovery...
You might say it was a lucky stroke...
I actually did have a stroke, btw. Back in '17. Caused by an aneurysm bursting in my brain stem. Was less than fun. But to paraphrase Mel Brooks, if you can laugh at it, you've won.
Just got back from a wedding, it was so emotional.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I got the word “Ouch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My dad asked me if it still hurts.
I told him yes, but it’ll heel.
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?”
I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.
My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....
Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?
My granny had a map of Britain tattooed across her back.
People said she was weird, but you always knew where you stood with her.
What did the owl say when her son talked back to her
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him
He was playing with tire.
Chinese rocket remanats are going to fall back to earth this weekend
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
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