Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.

But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 14 2021
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 69
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 08 2021
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This happened a while back, I was dropping my 7 year old school son to school. โ€œSon, hurry up, weโ€™re running late.โ€

Son: โ€œno dad, weโ€™re walking late.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Monkey-Magic007
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 01 2021
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, โ€œGet out. We donโ€™t serve rope in here.โ€ So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey! Arenโ€™t you the rope that I just threw out?โ€

The rope replied, โ€œNo. Iโ€™m a frayed knot.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/labink
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 27 2020
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Just got back from Loweโ€™s where I picked up a cool new gadget.

Solar powered clippers attached to a drone that I can program to do most of my landscaping.

Itโ€™s real Cutting Hedge Technology.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Krusty100
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 16 2020
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So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weโ€™re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, โ€œwhere do I drop it off?โ€

She says, โ€œGo in the front door and thereโ€™s a little desk that you -โ€œ

โ€œDonโ€™t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?โ€

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/gorhckmn
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 18 2020
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Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..

So I decided to call a toe-truck.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ThaPlymouth
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 03 2020
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I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 26 2020
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I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Ok_Impress7061
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Jan_Tik
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2019
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I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.

Cheese and quackers

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/undercover723
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 02 2020
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My 5 y.o. son walked up to me with his under armour shirt on backwards so the words were on the back.

He said, โ€œI got back words!โ€ How did I not see that one coming?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/zedhead0628
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 11 2020
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Where I grew up, we had back-to-back violent attempts to overthrow the government.

It was coup coup

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/asiers
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 27 2020
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My dashboard lit up before the fin fell off the back of my car.

Spoiler alert.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/misterrandom1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 13 2020
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(1) What type of airplane bounces back up when it crash lands?
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/justin_raphael_7
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 04 2020
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The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.

And I thought to myself, well thatโ€™s a little condescending.

sorry itโ€™s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ZealousidealRise7
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 17 2020
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I was watching back to the future and I am amazed at how well they hold up.

They truly were ahead of their time

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JukeboxHero5
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 23 2020
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I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.

I said, โ€œWell? 2B or not 2B?โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/zedhead0628
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 17 2020
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People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 21 2020
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A sheepdog tells the farmer he's going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says "We only have 48 sheep."

The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 51
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Trtlman
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 25 2020
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Doctor,my back hurts when I get up in the morning.

Then get up in the afternoon.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/cowbellybelly
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 07 2020
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A college kid finished up his spring semester and is going back home to see his parents.

Son: Hey Dad! Itโ€™s great to see you again, I like your new beard.

Dad: Thanks son. When I first stopped shaving I didnโ€™t like it, but then it grew on me.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RandyBaker08
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 11 2020
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If Harry decided to take up painting now heโ€™s stepped back from the royal family...

...he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 62
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tecfrigo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 19 2020
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Student (after being absent): I'm back. Do I have any make-up work?

Teacher: Yeah, go home and practice your mascara.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Talon184
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 19 2020
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Why couldn't 8 get back up?

When it fell, it was forever

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mattreyu
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 08 2018
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I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...

...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Cormac-Dockry
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 21 2020
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People who pull forward into parking spots are living in the moment. Those who back up into the spot, are thinking about the future.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FatMetalJesus
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 24 2019
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess whoโ€™s crawling back now..
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 52
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CHEEZY_21
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2019
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Most people back up their argument by saying: "I read it ...", But what do Redditors say?

I Reddit on Reddit

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Marracie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 19 2020
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back to science class - Why shouldnโ€™t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AlphaAxel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 02 2019
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The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneโ€ฆ

โ€ฆfree of charge.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 20 2019
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I tried to explain to my kids why the ball comes back down when they throw it up

But they don't understand the gravity of the situation

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Gone_Aria
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 10 2019
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I woke up this morning with another freakinโ€™ back ache.

I thought to myself, โ€œknot again!โ€

Explanation (since I guess Iโ€™m supposed to):

The knot in my muscle was the cause of my back pain. Knot/Not.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/lapret
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 19 2019
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I sprained my back while trying to see how low I could go, but there's nobody around to help me up.

I'm stuck in limbo.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 24
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 06 2019
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A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ruchi565
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 23 2019
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At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman whoโ€™s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, โ€œdo u mind if I say a word?โ€ she responds, โ€œNot at all, please do.โ€ the man stands up and says โ€œplethoraโ€ and sits back down.

โ€œThanks,โ€ said the woman, โ€œthat means a lot.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 55
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/turboboob
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 24 2019
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My wife and I were having an argument and youโ€™ll never guess what my cat said when I asked him to back me up.

Leave meow-t of this.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/zebrocks
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 26 2019
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I lent my girlfriend $200 and after 3 years we broke up she payed me back exactly $200

I guess you can say I lost interest in that relationship

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/alexbeltran43
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 06 2019
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Astronomers got tired of waiting for the sun to come back up...

The decided to call it a night

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Datboifritz113
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 08 2019
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I had to hoof it back up a few blocks to take this picture.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 55
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Seatpan
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 31 2017
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A string goes into the bar and the bartender tells him, โ€œWe donโ€™t serve your kind hereโ€ the string then leaves, twists himself up and parts his hair, coming back to the bar, the bartender then asks, โ€œArenโ€™t you the string from yesterday?โ€

The string replies, โ€œIโ€™m a frayed knotโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/omghibird
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 23 2018
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my son told me his back hurts when he gets up in the morning

I told him to get up in the afternoon instead

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Barkayal
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 22 2018
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My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.

I turn back to my son and say โ€œit turns out, Iโ€™m not made of moneyโ€.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Mawbster
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 28 2018
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Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we donโ€™t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if heโ€™s a rope!

Rope replies Iโ€™m a frayed knot.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FalseBlood8746
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 06 2020
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I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 82
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/avigyan_33
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 22 2020
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Back in my day, you used to cough to cover up a fart

Now with Covid-19, you fart to cover up a cough

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Bearwrestler13
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 19 2020
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The sweater I bought from the store was picking up static electricity, so I went back to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 37
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 22 2019
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A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 1k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/goodboyBill
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 23 2015
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The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneโ€ฆ

...free of charge...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 132
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 05 2018
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report

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