Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
This happened a while back, I was dropping my 7 year old school son to school. “Son, hurry up, we’re running late.”
Son: “no dad, we’re walking late.”
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Just got back from Lowe’s where I picked up a cool new gadget.
Solar powered clippers attached to a drone that I can program to do most of my landscaping.
It’s real Cutting Hedge Technology.
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.
My 5 y.o. son walked up to me with his under armour shirt on backwards so the words were on the back.
He said, “I got back words!” How did I not see that one coming?
Where I grew up, we had back-to-back violent attempts to overthrow the government.
My dashboard lit up before the fin fell off the back of my car.
(1) What type of airplane bounces back up when it crash lands?
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
I was watching back to the future and I am amazed at how well they hold up.
They truly were ahead of their time
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.
I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
A sheepdog tells the farmer he's going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says "We only have 48 sheep."
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
Doctor,my back hurts when I get up in the morning.
Then get up in the afternoon.
A college kid finished up his spring semester and is going back home to see his parents.
Son: Hey Dad! It’s great to see you again, I like your new beard.
Dad: Thanks son. When I first stopped shaving I didn’t like it, but then it grew on me.
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family...
...he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Student (after being absent): I'm back. Do I have any make-up work?
Teacher: Yeah, go home and practice your mascara.
Why couldn't 8 get back up?
When it fell, it was forever
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
People who pull forward into parking spots are living in the moment. Those who back up into the spot, are thinking about the future.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who’s crawling back now..
Most people back up their argument by saying: "I read it ...", But what do Redditors say?
back to science class - Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…
I tried to explain to my kids why the ball comes back down when they throw it up
But they don't understand the gravity of the situation
I woke up this morning with another freakin’ back ache.
I thought to myself, “knot again!”
Explanation (since I guess I’m supposed to):
The knot in my muscle was the cause of my back pain. Knot/Not.
I sprained my back while trying to see how low I could go, but there's nobody around to help me up.
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, “do u mind if I say a word?” she responds, “Not at all, please do.” the man stands up and says “plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
My wife and I were having an argument and you’ll never guess what my cat said when I asked him to back me up.
I lent my girlfriend $200 and after 3 years we broke up she payed me back exactly $200
I guess you can say I lost interest in that relationship
Astronomers got tired of waiting for the sun to come back up...
The decided to call it a night
I had to hoof it back up a few blocks to take this picture.
A string goes into the bar and the bartender tells him, “We don’t serve your kind here” the string then leaves, twists himself up and parts his hair, coming back to the bar, the bartender then asks, “Aren’t you the string from yesterday?”
The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot”
my son told me his back hurts when he gets up in the morning
I told him to get up in the afternoon instead
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.
I turn back to my son and say “it turns out, I’m not made of money”.
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!
Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Back in my day, you used to cough to cover up a fart
Now with Covid-19, you fart to cover up a cough
The sweater I bought from the store was picking up static electricity, so I went back to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…
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