What's the president's backup plan in case the USA gets invaded?

USB

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corken01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Best time to break out the backup cheese?

In queso emergency.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KGAS-12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Hope he got backups
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amartyasalpekar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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What do you call a pair of backup AirPods?

Spair Pods.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotQasimc612
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Finally, I have something to snack on while im waiting for iCloud to backup!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBerg28
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Always jump from a plane with a backup.

That's why they call them pair of chutes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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Mayday!! I need backup
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FBIagent67098
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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Noah had backup plans.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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Saw that Justin Timberlake owns a Kay’s Jewelers store as a backup.

You know, Justin Kay’s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/visionweaver
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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I attached a backup camera to my car.

Then there was no looking back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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Did you ever hear of the backup baby?

He was named Justin Case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryburger77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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Megatron is ambushed by an Autobot trap. Messages Starscream for backup but gets no response...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTA_Stuff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
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Ah yes, computer
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamelnish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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A watt?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatLogiCat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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I drove my new car out of the lot, only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Genomademe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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I bet you didn’t see that coming.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quibblicous
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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I’m friendly with only 25 of the letters in the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baseballmagic505
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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a pun for you :)

What does a grape do with his grandchildren? He be RAISIN them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeeters_cheeters
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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I was stargazing for hours one night when...

...it began to get brighter and brighter outside. I didn't understand what was happening. Then it dawned on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D6P6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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The policeman and his son

The policeman was trying to put his young son down for a nap, but the boy wasn't cooperating.

"Do I need to call for backup?" the dad asked. "'Cuz it seems you're resisting a rest!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Starch_Contrast
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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My dad always has these...

...."insanely witty/hilarious" puns (if you can call them that, I'm not an expert) that he uses when referring to things, here's a few:

  • QuikSilver => SlowGold
  • Vin Diesel => Lose Petrol
  • Backup folder => Frontdown folder

I'll try and think of a few more but you get the point.

Anyways he thinks he's a comedic genius that dude.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/todayIwillHam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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Lessons learned from Star Trek: Nemesis...

Always remember to backup your Data...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hyp3rdriv3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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My Dads opinion on traffic

My sister was slowing down and causing a backup while she was learning to drive. He got impatient with her and said

"THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY, YOU CAN'T VOTE TO SLOW DOWN."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dnar_Semaj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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