I was backing out of the parking lot earlier when I backed into a car! The driver was only 3 feet tall....!

He got out of the car and started waving his hands above his head! He kept yelling "I'm not Happy, I'm not Happy!"

So, I got out and yelled back, "Well, which one are you!?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Existence111111
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My therapist refused to help me with my fear of backing up my car

She said she would under no circumstances perform reverse psychology

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingle485
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sat upon a solo album by the lead guitarist, keyboardist and backing vocalist of the band U2 but quickly jumped up, scared that I broke it.

For a second, I was on Edge.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I am backing the doctor on this idea.
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/talha283838
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Can you guys give me really good back puns?

My one year anniversary since i had back surgery is coming up and i cant think of any really good back jokes, if you guys could get the back surgery jokes straightened out that would be great!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/landophant
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2013
🚨︎ report
I broke my back in a car accident and I'm looking for a pun for my grad cap

So yeah I got into a car accident during college and I wanted to commemorate that on my grad cap. My mom won't let me put my mri, "you should put something positive on your cap, not something negative" so yeah a back pun is the next best thing I could think of putting on there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/summosa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.

It was disgusting on so many levels.

πŸ‘︎ 256
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..

Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noobinoa
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I just dated a german nationalist! But I guess it's obvious, looking back on it

I mean, there were red flags all over the place

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Version_Two
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Ah yes, pretty hip
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/entertainer011
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?

Because they belong behind bars.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?

K9P

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNameIsVoodoo
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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Plant Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JesGur
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Aquaman backed into my car multiple times yesterday

Left me with a trident

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My school bully told me I’m bad at come-backs. So I told them that

that- uhhh... that they- they’re- uhhh- stup- I mean- uhm...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeoriginalAlias
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.

But now I stand corrected.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkwrdgirl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.

It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, β€œI’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!” I shot back...

β€œIs that a fret?!"

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Back in 2005, my father used to roll me down hills in an old car tyre...

.. it was a GoodYear.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dud65499
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has the most weird abacus tattoo on her back.

But I can always count on her

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"

"Country!"

πŸ‘︎ 589
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I decided to add a water fixture to my back yard...

...its going well

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robot-kun
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
After getting back from the beach, my daughter said, β€œHey, look! I’m tan from the sun!”

I shook her hand. β€œIt’s very nice to meet you! I’m Dad from Earth.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/u-squanks
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Just got back from a wedding, it was so emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back...

"Tell him I've already got one!"

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I got the word β€œOuch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My dad asked me if it still hurts.

I told him yes, but it’ll heel.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lildinger68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it β€œWhat’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?”

It said β€œMichelle”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinglerKong
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The view from the back
πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OffDutyTaoist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.

Strong OP onion

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandJA1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My granny had a map of Britain tattooed across her back.

People said she was weird, but you always knew where you stood with her.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....

Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ennayr88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the owl say when her son talked back to her

Who do you think you are

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Opposite-Dustt
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottdavies86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
They planet!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him

He was playing with tire.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotty_mo2424
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Chinese rocket remanats are going to fall back to earth this weekend

Heavy rains expected

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Not sure if OP was going for a pun
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thamara-k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.

Guys back then were playing for keeps.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......

"Ah still love Vista Baby....."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ipoointhepool
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn’t come back.

A stick...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barberheart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the lumberjack get back with his divorced wife?

Because he can't live without his ex

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragon_Skywalker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?

A Boomer Aang.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back.

No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.

πŸ‘︎ 293
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I hadn’t used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I don’t mean to brag but this is the single greatest post I’ve ever made on reddit.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I got the word β€œOuch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My son asked me if it still hurts.

I told him yes, but it’ll heel.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lildinger68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report

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