I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
How do you call a guy with a seagull on his shoulder?
The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...
There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
Did you know what did the Grrman Bread said to another German Bread after tapping on his shoulder ?
Gluten Tag.
edit : i fucked up the title
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
This morning my 4 year old son asked me - “what do shoulders do?”
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders"...
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Cold shoulder on a cannibal feast
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway today…
Apparently, it’s not the best place to play a keyboard…
I wanted to know how to build big muscular shoulders. I tried asking a guy with big traps at the gym, but I still have no answer...
...every time I ask him, he just shrugs.
Someone got the coal-ed shoulder.
This joke is Head & Shoulders above the rest.
My old girlfriend who gave me the cold shoulder got ran over by a train on Christmas
It was the Polar Ex-press
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies.
“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
If there was a big enough difference in the size of my shoulders, you know what that would be?
I was going to sculpt a human out of clay. I got the lower body and torso but ran out at the shoulders.
I need a shoulder to cry on
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus...
Son: dad, i think i dislocated my shoulder!
Dad: don't worry. I'll help you look for it.
Doctor! Doctor! I'm really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder.....
...the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume - I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."
His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."
I was at school today and they ask us if the bill of rights apply to us students i responded we can't bare shoulders never mind baring arms
Told my son he has a good head on his shoulders
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
i dislocated my shoulder today
but it’s fine, i found it.
While my girlfriend was cleaning. I was giving my daughter a bath. My daughter kept putting her rubber ducks on my shoulder.. So I told my girlfriend I need to see a chiropractor. Because my shoulder keeps quacking!! She was not happy about this..
Did you hear about the Boston Dynamics home-protection robot that failed to stop intruders due to faulty shoulder bolts?
Head and shoulders
Should make a body wash....
And call it Knees and toes.
Cracked this gem tonight, have to say it got a chuckle.
Wife: I’m thinking about getting my hair cut above my shoulders. Maybe a long bob.
My buddy needed a shoulder to crayon when he saw this
If a cannibal is late to dinner, he gets the cold shoulder.
I attached a coloring book to my shoulder when I went to the funeral
Just in case someone needed a shoulder to crayon
A man was recently arrested for shoplifting at my local supermarket whisky balanced on the shoulders of two vampires
He was charged with theft on two counts!
Edit - meant whilst not whisky!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
"Let me down! Let me down!" Laughed my son as I ran around with him on my shoulders
So I left the next day and haven't been back
A man walks down the street carrying a piece of scaffolding on his shoulder....
A guy across the street yells to him "Hey mate, are you a pole vaulter?"
So the first guy shouts back "No, actually I am originally from Austria but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(You've got to lay the accent on quite thickly for the last part)
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders"...
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"
My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
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