My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.

I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"

He thought I was "very punny"

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are shoulders your biggest supporters?

because they are always by your side

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself in the thigh.

Doc: Your finger is broken.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."

That meant the world to me.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...

There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you call a guy with a seagull on his shoulder?

Cliff

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...

May divorce be with you.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinjesus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know what did the Grrman Bread said to another German Bread after tapping on his shoulder ?

Gluten Tag.

edit : i fucked up the title

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Cold shoulder on a cannibal feast
πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kikithegoth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
This morning my 4 year old son asked me - β€œwhat do shoulders do?”

I just shrugged

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthritictongue
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, β€œTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, β€œWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, β€œBecause...he’s my newt!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway today…

Apparently, it’s not the best place to play a keyboard…

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
This joke is Head & Shoulders above the rest.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I wanted to know how to build big muscular shoulders. I tried asking a guy with big traps at the gym, but I still have no answer...

...every time I ask him, he just shrugs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mihaaal2481
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Head, shoulders-
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DogeIsBaus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2017
🚨︎ report
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The bartender says β€œWhat an interesting pet, whats his name?”

β€œTiny” the man replies.

β€œWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” β€œBecause…He’s my newt.”

πŸ‘︎ 271
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tibbyias
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone got the coal-ed shoulder.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My old girlfriend who gave me the cold shoulder got ran over by a train on Christmas

It was the Polar Ex-press

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinHeartWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was going to sculpt a human out of clay. I got the lower body and torso but ran out at the shoulders.

I didn't plan ahead

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coluber_kid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
If there was a big enough difference in the size of my shoulders, you know what that would be?

A delta.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brookesies3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I need a shoulder to cry on
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbbbra
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."

His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."

πŸ‘︎ 471
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.

He is always serious and never humerus...

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder.....

...the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume - I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Son: dad, i think i dislocated my shoulder!

Dad: don't worry. I'll help you look for it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/liltrigger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor! Doctor! I'm really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!

Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My buddy needed a shoulder to crayon when he saw this
πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Berkelium_BK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
🚨︎ report
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,

Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samsw21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
If a cannibal is late to dinner, he gets the cold shoulder.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekeleven
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I was at school today and they ask us if the bill of rights apply to us students i responded we can't bare shoulders never mind baring arms
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gardnbra7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Told my son he has a good head on his shoulders
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bgcoombs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
i dislocated my shoulder today

but it’s fine, i found it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/willmyers03
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
While my girlfriend was cleaning. I was giving my daughter a bath. My daughter kept putting her rubber ducks on my shoulder.. So I told my girlfriend I need to see a chiropractor. Because my shoulder keeps quacking!! She was not happy about this..
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irorii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Head and shoulders

Should make a body wash.... And call it Knees and toes.

Cracked this gem tonight, have to say it got a chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H4WK1RK
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: I’m thinking about getting my hair cut above my shoulders. Maybe a long bob.

Me: So... like a Robert?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gniphe
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Boston Dynamics home-protection robot that failed to stop intruders due to faulty shoulder bolts?

It was easily disarmed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I attached a coloring book to my shoulder when I went to the funeral

Just in case someone needed a shoulder to crayon

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was recently arrested for shoplifting at my local supermarket whisky balanced on the shoulders of two vampires

He was charged with theft on two counts!

Edit - meant whilst not whisky!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJBGaming
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head...

Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.

πŸ‘︎ 431
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
🚨︎ report
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

πŸ‘︎ 207
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
🚨︎ report
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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