My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
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︎ May 13 2021
Why are shoulders your biggest supporters?
because they are always by your side
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︎ May 12 2021
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself in the thigh.
Doc: Your finger is broken.
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︎ May 12 2021
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
π︎ 134
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︎ Dec 08 2020
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 02 2020
The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...
There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 06 2020
How do you call a guy with a seagull on his shoulder?
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 27 2020
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
π︎ 21
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︎ Sep 28 2020
Did you know what did the Grrman Bread said to another German Bread after tapping on his shoulder ?
Gluten Tag.
edit : i fucked up the title
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders"...
β¦have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
π︎ 8k
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︎ Mar 11 2019
Cold shoulder on a cannibal feast
π︎ 214
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︎ Nov 18 2019
This morning my 4 year old son asked me - βwhat do shoulders do?β
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︎ May 04 2020
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?β Smiling, I replied, βTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β
I explained, βBecause...heβs my newt!"
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 04 2020
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
π︎ 16
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︎ May 21 2020
The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway todayβ¦
Apparently, itβs not the best place to play a keyboardβ¦
π︎ 11
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︎ May 25 2020
This joke is Head & Shoulders above the rest.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 23 2018
I wanted to know how to build big muscular shoulders. I tried asking a guy with big traps at the gym, but I still have no answer...
...every time I ask him, he just shrugs.
π︎ 8
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︎ May 03 2020
Head, shoulders-
π︎ 2k
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︎ Sep 24 2017
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says βWhat an interesting pet, whats his name?β
βTinyβ the man replies.
βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β βBecauseβ¦Heβs my newt.β
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︎ Feb 28 2019
Someone got the coal-ed shoulder.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 30 2019
My old girlfriend who gave me the cold shoulder got ran over by a train on Christmas
It was the Polar Ex-press
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 26 2019
I was going to sculpt a human out of clay. I got the lower body and torso but ran out at the shoulders.
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 31 2019
If there was a big enough difference in the size of my shoulders, you know what that would be?
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 01 2020
I need a shoulder to cry on
π︎ 31
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︎ Jun 10 2019
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."
His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."
π︎ 471
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︎ Apr 17 2018
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus...
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 13 2019
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder.....
...the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume - I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
π︎ 58
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︎ Oct 29 2018
Son: dad, i think i dislocated my shoulder!
Dad: don't worry. I'll help you look for it.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 13 2019
Doctor! Doctor! I'm really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
π︎ 34
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︎ Jun 28 2019
My buddy needed a shoulder to crayon when he saw this
π︎ 130
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︎ Dec 11 2017
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 20 2019
If a cannibal is late to dinner, he gets the cold shoulder.
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 12 2018
I was at school today and they ask us if the bill of rights apply to us students i responded we can't bare shoulders never mind baring arms
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 03 2019
Told my son he has a good head on his shoulders
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 15 2019
i dislocated my shoulder today
but itβs fine, i found it.
π︎ 15
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︎ Jun 07 2019
While my girlfriend was cleaning. I was giving my daughter a bath. My daughter kept putting her rubber ducks on my shoulder.. So I told my girlfriend I need to see a chiropractor. Because my shoulder keeps quacking!! She was not happy about this..
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 29 2019
Head and shoulders
Should make a body wash....
And call it Knees and toes.
Cracked this gem tonight, have to say it got a chuckle.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 14 2019
Wife: Iβm thinking about getting my hair cut above my shoulders. Maybe a long bob.
π︎ 14
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︎ May 30 2019
Did you hear about the Boston Dynamics home-protection robot that failed to stop intruders due to faulty shoulder bolts?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 22 2019
I attached a coloring book to my shoulder when I went to the funeral
Just in case someone needed a shoulder to crayon
π︎ 19
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︎ May 04 2019
A man was recently arrested for shoplifting at my local supermarket whisky balanced on the shoulders of two vampires
He was charged with theft on two counts!
Edit - meant whilst not whisky!
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 03 2019
Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head...
Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.
π︎ 431
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︎ Aug 21 2016
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders"...
β¦have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
π︎ 207
π
︎ Aug 12 2019
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...
β¦have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 05 2017
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
π︎ 16
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︎ Jun 04 2019
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