I would date him in a heartbeat
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
You would think that a snail without a shell would move that bit faster..?
but it's actually more sluggish..
I would put a star wars joke
But I don't wanna force it
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
What would be bananas without 'b'?
Hades decided if he was going bald, there would be hell toupee.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I found a lamp that said that if I rubbed it, a genie would come out and grant me three wishes, but when I did it nothing happened
I must have rubbed him the wrong way
What would you call Ariana Grande if she were taller?
saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...
It would suck not being able to eat bread :')
What would you call a walking mosquito?
What's something a drug dealer would never ask?
Why would Adolf hit Ler in the first place tho?
One time I posted 10 jokes in a row, hoping at least one would make Dads laugh on r/dadjokes
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
This would be a huge boon for the 'tubers.
The people of Germany were sure that Hitler would be a heroic leader in 1933.
They were wrong, as he didn't have the balls they were expecting.
A lion would never play golf.
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I would make a penis joke but
It's too hard to understand
While watching Harry Potter once, I said to my Dad “I wonder what the Hogwarts version of a dirty magazine would be” as Harry was rooting through his chest of things.
Without skipping a beat he said “Whorelocks.”
My friend said a show that is about kids that fight fantastical monsters with another kid that has special abilities would never take off in popularity.
But I've seen stranger things.
6 strands of Kurt Cobain’s hair sold at auction in the last month for $14,000. You’d think it would have a very musty odor.
But really, it just smells like teen spirit.
What kind of bra would you get for a mermaid?
Whenever we visited my Grampa's dairy farm, there'd be mud and cowpats everywhere, and my Dad would say, "I love dairy farms! Look at the dairy barn, and the dairy cows, and...
"Smell that sweet Dairy Air!"
If the joke's unclear:>!"dairy air" sounds like "derriere"!<
My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
This man approached me in the park. "Would you please help? My caribou is stuck in a gigantic puddle."
"Reindeer?" I asked.
He said, "Yes. Hence the puddle."
How would you call a dick growing on the other side of the body?
Would a movie about the invention of the Tampon be a... period piece?
What would you wear to court?
If Arnold Schwarzeneter was a student he would be the mid-terminater
If Arnold Schwarzeneter was a student he would be the mid-terminater
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My wife told me she would bang my head off the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I don't believe heryhhxfukklo8764eh89kg4ghi9hde3yhoonib7v6c5x4xv9n8vx4&6c79b9n
What would the Mario Bros. artstyle be called if they where from England?
Ah yes medical pun (putting the actual joke in the title would kinda ruin it all ngl)
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
If FedEx and UPS merged, the employees would be
I would love to get paid to sleep.
What would I have if I wrapped ice cream in a tortilla?
When I was at school I had it tough. Other kids would throw lumps of gold at me.
I was a victim of bullion.
I would love to become a horticulturist...
...But I couldn’t get into the field
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