Hitler was reborn and decides to open a restaurant for young audiences.

It's his cool n' aryan future!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AntiMatterAMA
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?

He was getting sweepy

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyrouge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?

He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
My wife was trying decide between sweep rowing [4 or 8 rowers, one oar each] and sculling [one rower, two oars].

I told her she had to choose one oar the other.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M4sterofD1saster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
How do Mexicans decide who gets promoted?

SeΓ±ority

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roxas1011
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy

Polyurethane?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vantoch81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.

I couldn't sway him.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?

Because he had a ton of sick beets.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together

Nolan says he will direct.

DiCaprio says he will act.

And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

πŸ‘︎ 338
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheese_Junky
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The YouTube Owl-gorithm decides hoo to watch πŸ¦‰
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toebin_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 261
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
why did the FedEx driver decide to get into standup comedy as a fallback?

all his friends told him he was really good at delivery

i came up with this myself and im kinda proud ngl

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JacksonCM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a mattress today, but can’t decide if it’s firm enough.

I’ll sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fat Indian girl decide to run a marathon?

She was a very moti-weighted person.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIsOmeySalvi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?

So that he could design his own website.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
During an organ donation how do doctors decide which kidney to pick?

They pick the right one.

That way there's still one left

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The bear couldn't decide whether to go north or south for the winter

He was a bipolar bear

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When u decide to write a Love letter πŸ’Œ
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaSuperior
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Justice severed OR Someone took his justice in their own hands CAN'T DECIDE...
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.

He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeppermintBiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I couldn't decide where this meme should be putin, so I decided to post it here
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the-wulv
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.

They said I was weaving all over the road.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.

In other words, bran flakes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mmbahcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A prisoner joined a convent and wanted to be a part of their marching band. What instrument did she decide to play?

It's a conundrum!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Two melons decide they want to get married. One suggests they do it in Vegas...

The other says "I'm sorry my mother always said, 'You cantaloupe.'"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sopwith_Snipe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
True story. Needs your help to decide.

Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/murfstax
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
When Adobe decides to finally end Flash Player, they’ll actually be building something new!

They’ll be breaking newgrounds!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dougmantis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant

It was resolved with a Peas Treaty

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DannypWooley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
When dads decide to tell a joke

they sentence you to a pun.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
The Prime Minister of NZ's kid gets sick at school.. What does the Principal decide?

Jacinda home.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoreysCaveChatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.

It was a moment of brief indecision.

πŸ‘︎ 237
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maybejaeby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival?

Date: that's fair

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't like having to decide between paper or plastic.

Why can't baggers be choosers?

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brendan_07
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the Apollo 11 astronauts arm wrestled to decide who would be the first man on the moon?

Neil won.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzysax241
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:

'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnexampledSalt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How do guards decide who the best prisoner is?

They hold a con-test.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/morsodo99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
We can't decide whether to put in soft pink or baby blue flooring in the nursery

It's an infantile problem

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you decide what haircut to get?

You mullet over.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/majblackburn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A train engineer believed a hospital ship was the site of secret government conspiracy and decides to ram it with his train.

Now that's what I call a loco-motive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KROMATIXX_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man decide to get divorced in Texas?

He remembered the alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits

I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cheerfulsith
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
β€ͺHow do you decide which part of the fish to eat first?‬

You play heads or tails.‬

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do strippers decide on collective bargaining rights?

They take a poll...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/markstache
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?

The king offered him a free palace stein

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I wood say this is funny Abut I’ll leaf it up to you guys to decide.
πŸ‘︎ 764
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dogsaretheanswer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?

Because he had a ton of sick beets.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?

Because he had a ton of sick beets.

πŸ‘︎ 549
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JEJoll
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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