Why did Thanos settle on Asgard for his vacation?

He wanted to keep it low key (Loki)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinzlo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
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Where do you settle the case between which came first, the chicken or the egg?

in the food court

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsNotBer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...

They couldn't afford a tenor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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I love my wife. She won't settle for anything.

Unlike myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tenzinashoka
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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That sound you hear is the house groaning as it settles.

It'd be much happier if it could've found someone who's good for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedudebangsyoshi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
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Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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It's too bad that the Spanish were the first Europeans to settle in what is now San Francisco.

It would have been an ideal location for the Quakers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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It took my brother-in-law 2 kids for him to settle into his role

https://imgur.com/a/583Ao

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FOX_SMOLDER
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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Two artists couldn't settle their dispute...

They called it a draw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeptil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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My dad texted me and needed me to settle a dispute between him and my mom

My Dad: Mom and I are disagreeing...is your truck a Chevy or a Dodge?

Me: Haha it's a Dodge, the other two were Chevys

My Dad: Oh, I thought it was a Chevy. Well, orthopedic shoes...

Me: What? Orthopedic shoes???

My Dad: Yes!

Me: What the hell do orthopedic shoes have to do with my truck? Hahaha

My Dad: Orthopedic shoes...I stand corrected!

Me: facepalm and groan

Love you, dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreamyGoodnss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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Two restaurant servers tried to settle a dispute with a game of tennis

But they could never start as service was not included.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manubfr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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I told my daughter about cake day, she didn't care, she just wanted pancakes. So I guess I'll settle for a pan-cake day post. imgur.com/a/xg8ce
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SporkOfDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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What do you call dust that only settles on certain objects??

Particular matter!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fc528e
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
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I wanted to become a ghost hunter, but settled on going to a psychic

It was a happy Medium

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
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Lipton probably saw many different pitchers of its brewed beverages before settling for the one on its iconic package...

They auditioned many before choosing the best model tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
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Talking to a guy about a building a fence. I feel I’ve settled into my role as dad pretty well.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrM0n0cle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06
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Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeppermintBiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
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I once got lost in a corn maze as dusk settled and everything grew quiet...

It was earie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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My brother regrets many things in life but mostly he regrets not ever having a wild time before settling down and having kids.

Me? I have no rugrats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Cheating is not affair game

I said to my cheating wife "Let's settle this in affair explanation!" She said "OK. I cheated on you because your heart were as cold as the North Poll!" I looked at her then said "I'm diss a pointed..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
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My 7 year old came up with a dad joke: What do Zombie Cows say?

"Grains"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollyon82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at the store deciding between a saltwater aquarium and a houseplant to decorate my home. I finally settled on a beautiful fern.

I said to my wife, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtowers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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I want to play tennis, but my tennis glove is torn.

I guess I’ll have to settle for bad mitten.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bci1516
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
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The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos.

We couldn't settle between two of them. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one.

So, I told her, "Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMartin58
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
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Groundhog Day

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said β€œthis is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellexyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
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I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying. Mother-in-law commented- "Wow, she really settled for you quickly!"

"Just like her mother."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gravityrider
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Elvis Presley considered converting to Islam before he died. He even settled on a Muslim name:

Ahmal Shooq-Up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2016
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So this panda bear walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then takes out a gun, shoots the piano player, and goes to walk out.

The bartender says what the heck are you doing?

I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up.

So the bartender gets out his dictionary. You know, for settling bets. You didn't have a problem with the piano player, just go with it.

So, sure enough, there it is in the dictionary.

Panda bear, noun. Not a true bear, eats shoots and leaves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ May 04
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While settling Canada...

One of the French outposts refused to cooperate with the others.

It was the rogue fort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GregoryTheBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
Ended up settling on being a paramedic.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bsleffel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
🚨︎ report
A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
Found this absolute gem
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πŸ‘€︎ u/undermade12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A set of quadruplets.

A set of quadruplets went in to the local doctor's office for their annual check up. Once they were finished, the doctor asked to speak with them all in his private office.

As the four of them; Jeb, Richard, Lee, and the eldest John Hickleford Jr. entered the room and took seats, the doctor shook his head. "I've got bad news and I've got good news boys" he said.

Jeb, the spokesman of the group, immediately said, "Well, tell us the bad news first, and then spring the good news on us."

"Alright," continued the doctor. "The bad news is that one of you only has six months to live. The good news is that the other three of you will live long, healthy lives."

All four boys sprang from their chairs, making incoherent noises of protest. After settling them down, Jeb turned to the doctor and solemnly asked: "Hick or Lee, Dick or me, Doc?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisjustin2019
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
Brand new protein powder, not even filled half whey
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4Lman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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I showed my new wife our new home, a basketball playing arena...

She said she'd rather settle out of court.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
In 1590, all of the pilgrims of Roanoke suddenly disappeared without a trace

It was very un-settling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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A Russian couple is arguing about the weather.

One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist.

To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion.

"Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement! Is it raining, or not?"

Rudolph replies, "It is raining."

"I knew we could depend on you, Comrade. You see," he says to his partner, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/finestjuggler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The gunslinger walks through the saloon doors...

and he just stands there, surveying the assemblage as the room goes quiet. And suddenly he yells, "All you dirty bastards, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

And the crowd rushing the exists raises a cloud of dust, obscuring vision. When it settled, the gunslinger notices one little wizened old man tucked in a corner beside the piano. The gunslinger walks over, his spurs making a small jingling sound. He stands in front of the still-seated old man. "WELL?," he demands.

The old man looks up earnestly into the gunslinger's face, "Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't ther?".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shagata_Ganai
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoOne77492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Science Bar

A man walks into a science bar and says; "I'll have a H2O please barkeep!"

The barkeep hands him a glass, he drinks it and settles down to read his paper. the guy next to him says; "I'll have a H2O too please!"

The barkeep hands him a glass, he drinks it and dies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Hole_Potato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do olympians and thieves have in common?

They go for the gold, but sometimes have to settle for coppers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beaverpudding
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I overheard a couple fighting in the other day.

They were arguing about the weather, one thought it was hailing, the other was sure it was rain. To settle their dispute they approached the communist officer, Rudolph. Rudolph settled the score by confirming that it was rain. The man then turns to his wife and says β€œRudolph the Red knows rain, dear”

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Staff meeting
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NitroNihon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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Not a single one of them laughed

I work at a pretty cool place. Everyone there is pretty upbeat and we like to have a good time. One of the girls was talking about something and said "isn't this fun guys?!" I replied "this is extremely mushrooms!" Everyone was silent, so I pulled the huge grin and said "fuungiiis". Every one of them groaned in unison.

They are all my children now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontwakethellama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My family decided to have a Board Game night, but couldn’t agree on what to play.

Finally we settled on Catan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do native Americans hate snow?

It's white and settles on their land

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJapanPeople
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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My wife believes in psychics, and I don’t.

So we had to settle for a happy medium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dadjokes just hit 200K

Which is about -73Β°C (~ -99Β°F). That is pretty cool.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/parin89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
🚨︎ report
An alcoholic is trying to decide where to live

He finally settles on a su-bourbon area

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragonslayer2689
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Two NASA engineers were arguing...

Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.

One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.

"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Got into an argument with my wife about whether she was cute or a pain in the mornings.

We settled on acute pain. She now responds to β€œArthritis”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradensharp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Jason Bourne...

... is reliving the same day over and over in "Bourne Again"

... travels to the past to stop a terrorist attack in "Bourne yesterday"

... finally settles down and has a baby in "New Bourne"

... de-evolves into a feral beast who prowls the wilderness in "Bourne to be Wild"

Firstly, I think they really missed a trick naming these films.

Secondly... I know there are more of these...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalMikey666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you know when your house has low self-esteem?

It settles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeontheJob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report
What'd they call Adolf hitler when he lost his job?

Laidoff Hitler

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clitbeastwood
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/possferatu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
90s Eurodance group Technotronic recently bought a factory that manufactures all types of fruit preserves

However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs.

After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution.

They decided to Pump Up The Jam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tende

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.

"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.

And back and forth they would go.

Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.

The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."

Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.

-tap tap tap-

-tap tap tap-

And flew back.

"Well?" the birch said.

"Well?" the b

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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Dad joke orbital strike from yesterday.

Christmas dinner, 2013. My mother in law is asked if she'd like some wine, is offered choices, Pinot Grigio, Mulled Apple or Cabernet. She's indecisive for a minute or so. Eventually, she settles on the apple wine. Her father comments, "well that sure took a long time."

I retorted with, "Well, she had to mull it over for a bit."

Simultaneously, 4 generations of women roll their eyes at me, while the guys all laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/microseconds
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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In the shower this morning

I discovered that I was out of shampoo. When I went down to the breakfast table I told my family this, and that I had to settle for the real stuff instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akustix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2015
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Just dadjoked the cat!

After failing to get a laugh after making a joke leaving our living room, I came across the cat and said, "I'm a funny guy."

Then followed with, "Guess that means you're the kitty and i'm the kidder."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindninjafart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
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The Three Kingdoms

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmonkey95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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Lowe's: A place for dads

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaFeets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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I was in Istanbul for a vacation...

And it's common to find dΓΆner and kebap as street food. After walking around a whole day with my friends, we found a 3 seat bench and squeezed all 4 of us on it. After we settled, I turned to my friends and said "Hehehe. 'Squish' kebap." Head shakes, groans, and "so bad, it's good" laughter followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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A double triumph at dinner

Me, talking to my gang of teenage kids about their day. I asked my oldest son what he was working for the upcoming science olympiad. My son: "We're working on a pendulum." Me: "Must be a lot of back and forth." ACTUAL LAUGHTER! After we settled back down, my son said, "We're also working on objects." I said "Objects?" puzzled. "No Dad! Optics!" "Oh! Optics.....I see. (big grin)" Laughter again! TRIUMPH!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trader_dave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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My dad's cooking wild salmon for dinner...

"I hope they settle down before I put them on the grill!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilesmane
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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Got dad joked in math class...

Just came back from a bathroom break in my class at our local JC. Teacher is an older Asian gentleman, and as we all get settled down he asks," So, what does the little mermaid wear?" The class talked about it for a bit and then with a sly grin he states, " An alge bra" , many groans were heard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Epic_peacock
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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Dad-joked by my uncle.

We were celebrating my vegetarian uncle's birthday out at Sweet Tomatoes, which is a salad buffet restaurant. They have other things too, like pastas, breads, and soups.

My uncle settles down at his table, and loudly remarks to my aunt:

Uncle: "You know, this place is great and all..."

Her: "Yeah? What's wrong?"

Uncle: "I don't know. By the time I get all my food together from the buffet line..."

Aunt: "...what?"

Uncle: "My salad gets cold!"

Groans were heard all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/halal_hotdogs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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Difference between "illegal" and "illicit"

Boyfriend, boyfriend's dad and I are in the car on our way to a restaurant. Boyfriend and I are discussing the difference between the definitions of "illegal" and "illicit". We finally settle on what we think is right, when his dad chips in: "Now I always thought the definition of "illegal" was "a sick bird" !

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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My coworker loves cheese danishes.

With mouth full of pastry, he says to me "I love these cheese danishes. If I could marry them, I would."

"Why don't you just find a nice Danish girl to settle down with instead?" I replied.

"Why?" He queried.

"She's Danish."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_arm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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So, it's 3am, I'm at Denny's...

The bill comes, and after a night of heavy drinking all anybody has left is loose change.

We (about 6 people) split up the bill and count our change onto the table.

Waitress comes by, sees that were settling the bill, and she says, "do you guys need any change?"

Without missing a beat my bearded husky inebriated friend returns, "yes, dimes and nickles will suffice"

The waitress was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5eight13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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First joke as a dad

My wife gave birth yesterday. As we were settling into the recovery room, the nurse came in and the baby started to cry. She tried to console him and said to us:

Nurse: He's really just yelling at you saying "Do you know what I've been through today?!"

Me (imitating my wife): Yeah, me!

She was too tired to groan, but I think I'm gonna like this.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattityahu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2014
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Girlfriend just got us; groans were had.

So, I was sitting in the family room with my girlfriend's family. She just got a new kitten today, so we're all pretty excited.

She just experienced a little running around spell before settling underneath a table.

When I asked what she was doing, my girlfriend chimed in with: "I think she had the runs!"

She immediately followed this up with asking everyone if we'd heard her joke and laughing aloud about it.

I'm pretty proud, despite the groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xnickitynickx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
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I think this may qualify, even though it was before I was a dad, and it wasn't really a joke.

'Interactive lecture' in a Systems Engineering class (not that that's relevant) when the Assistant Professor starts directing questions to the students to move forward in the lecture material.

Settles on me and asks me a pretty straightforward question that I started overthinking and got all deer-in-the-headlight-y.

Fancies himself some sort of comedian so he quips "C'mon, I'm throwing you a softball (question)."

To this I come up with an immediate response: "I don't play softball."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LickItAndSpreddit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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Meet the Jack of all dadjokes!

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happyazz84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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Dad joked on family movie night

this was years ago, I had forgotten until it came up in conversation today. when Finding Nemo came out on DVD most of us hadn't seen it, and my oldest sister was home from her first year in college. my mom gets all excited to have a Disney movie night for old time's sake and makes a big deal about it.

so we all get settled with popcorn and all, and the movie begins. if you haven't seen it, the first scene is a bit tragic... to refresh people's memory, a barracuda attacks the soon-to-be parents and eats the mom and unhatched eggs. this is probably less than 5 minutes into the movie.

it's dead quiet in the house as Marlin swims around yelling for his mate and looking in the now empty spot where their eggs were hidden. He sees the lone surviving egg on the ocean floor and swims to it. honoring his deceased mate's wishes, he names his only child "Nemo"

instantly my dad stands up, turns off the TV and says "Ha! I found him! that was fun." and walks away.

tl;dr: my dad beat the whole fa

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjswitz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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Made a Canadian Thanksgiving dadjoke.

The family's over so my six-year-old daughter is pretty excited, showing off her toys, jumping on everyone, etc.. After having a conversation interrupted by her for the fourteenth time, I say, "Listen! If you don't settle down, it's about to be Spanksgiving in here. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bernforever
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2014
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Dadjoked my girlfriend late last night

She's been working nonstop on her dissertation for a few weeks now and is pretty exhausted. Came home from the library at 11:30/12 last night, and as she settled down to do more work:

"Right. Time to start working in earnest."

"Who's Ernest, and why are you working in him?"

she was not impressed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wbright92
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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Not much of a joke I guess, but I got my five year old with this at the dinner table

Me: "Don't answer my next question. Do you always do what you're told?"

She sat there for a full thirty seconds, mentally wrestling with an answer that would prove she's a good girl while still complying with the instruction to not answer the question. Eventually she settled on "Oh Daaaad!" and went back to eating.

Trolling your children, one of the perks of fatherhood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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On my way to college today through driving through the Midwestern US.

My dad asks me to check if an email has finally sent on his phone and I inform him that his phone is roaming. He said "Don't you think it's time that it cut that out, settled down, and started a nice phone family"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mon766
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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We were sitting at a Georgia Bulldog Game..

It was half-time and it was time for the mascot, Uga, to get walked out into the center of the field before the band played. Everyone, as always, stood up and was really excited to see the dog help get the crowd pumped up for the second half.

Once the band started playing, the dog got settled down on the Georgia logo and started licking his ass like you've seen countless dogs do before.The man on the other side of my dad nudged him and joked, " Man, I wish I could do that."

My dad looked at him and exclaimed, "Are you kidding?! That dog will bite you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/srswartzel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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