How do pirates resolve disputes?

Arrrbitration.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlelolipop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Even though he had an extreme fear of heights, why did the butcher resolve to climb all the way up the ladder?

The steaks were too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VNPimpinella
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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She said resolve the CAPCHA, I said babes...

Mans not bot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sneakergod03
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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I resolved to be more grateful this year...

So to start things off right, I'd just like to say... The rotation of the earth really makes my day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Attinaux
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
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Today I resolved a conflict between two chicks

That's the first time I made chickpeace.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
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I've resolved to only wear fruit as shoes.

I just bought a new pear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarlet_Spectre
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
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Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daugarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant

It was resolved with a Peas Treaty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannypWooley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in 5 years?

It's not like I have 2020 vision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kleintrpt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2015
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They should have a follow-up to the G-7 meeting called the C Major Summit.

Maybe that will resolve things.

(Not OC but I saw it on FB and it was new to me)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_awesome365
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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My boyfriend and I were shopping for stain remover; he wanted Shout.

I said, "Why Shout, when we can Resolve it instead?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/conflicted_802
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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After the G7 summit, they should follow it up with a C major summit

So things can get resolved

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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None of my cleaners got the stain out, so I gave up.

My wife said I lacked Resolve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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The lift broke at work the other day

I had to take steps to resolve it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PresidentTaco_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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I recently visited my Doctor who happened to have a degree in mathematics for my blue balls

He simply said "Circumference" but unfortunately it didn't help me resolve my issue...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MundieR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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A whale walks into a bar...

This come courtesy of my wife

A whale walks into a bar, as soon as the bartender sees him he starts yelling at him, we don't serve your kind here, get out! So the whale leaves and resolves to change things, he goes to college, gets his business degree and buys the bar he was thrown out of. He hires the same bartender and kept everything the same. He walks into the bar, now the proud owner, and again the bartender see him. What can I get you boss the bartender asks nervously. The whale pauses shortly as if contemplating, he then opens his mouth and says, blub blub blub because whales can't talk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGlymps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Artie the Contract Killer (long)

A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people "disappear". He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all of this unfold from the hidden cameras around the store. By the time the manager was dead, the police had arrived and arrested Artie. The following day, the front page of the local newspaper read, "Artie Chokes Two For One Dollar at Your Hometown Grocery Store!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marriedwithkids96
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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A friend told me this one today

Some monks set up a cart and began selling flowers for funerals in front of an Irish Catholic church. The bishop was displeased as selling funeral arrangements was a source of revenue for the church so he hired his very large friend Hugh McWIlliams to chase them away. For weeks Hugh stood guard and the monks didn't return until the bishop decided that the matter was resolved and relieved Hugh of his duty. The very next day the monks returned with their cart of flowers and it was at this point the bishop realized: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odhrain
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2013
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My wife went to weightwatchers early yesterday

My wife went to weightwatchers early yesterday because from her experience the first meeting of the new year is always crowded with people resolved to lose weight in the new year. She was surprised to find that not many people were there. I said "so it was a slim crowd at weightwatchers?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibrentlam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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Robin Williams Dad Jokes Mike Rowe

Mike Rowe on meeting Robin Williams the first time:

The first was in 2006 - June or maybe July. I walked into The Roastery down on Chestnut, ordered a coffee, and sat down to read the paper. I soon discovered I was in one of those chairs with one leg shorter than the rest, and resolved to remedy the problem by jamming a folded-up coaster under the offending limb. I bent down, got the thing positioned properly, and managed to smack my head on the edge of the table on the way back up. Hard. The impact was noisy, and sent coffee slushing all over The Chronicle, which in turn lead to an β€œAhh...shit!,” a little louder than I intended. A second later, a voice said, β€œNo, I believe that’s coffee. Shit’s the stuff I see you crawling through every time I turn on the TV.”

source

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Dad-Joke @ Work Today---I am so freaking proud of myself.

So I do tech support type stuff for a local company and they were having an issue with the phone, and we resolved that the problem was not the phone, nor the wire. We next tested the phone jack....sure enough, there's the problem. I could hardly contain myself when I told the manager that I found the problem.

"What is it?", he asked.

"It looks like you're one jack off!"

Cracked me up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtravisrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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