My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
Can’t put it down
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.

Now they can Scandinavian!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women...

He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front

πŸ‘︎ 250
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Funny-Promise956
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
Why should you put mustard on a puppy with a fever?

Because it's the best thing for a hot dog

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLMR56
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16
🚨︎ report
I was asked to put either an inspirational quote or a joke on the message board at work.
πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatdavidgeezer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?

Never mind it’s a sea-crate....

(I made this up please don’t murder me)

πŸ‘︎ 150
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DubsAli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
Everytime I put my car in reverse

I think, huh, this takes me back

πŸ‘︎ 186
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/X_Tbull
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.

I told him they were the letters of recommendation.

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargedMedal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
Did yiu know a major mathematical discovery was made when trying to put music online?

They tries to Log a Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunytou
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
Mom: Put a pair of normal shorts on.

Son: No I don’t like ghosts.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Braden-Morley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...

They're fairyfocals.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/carpet_tart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.

The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:

"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"

"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled

"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
I asked my boss if he would donate to my organization that provides medical support to Asian children with terminal diseases so they don’t have to be put down.

He hasn’t responded yet, but when he does I’ll find out if he supports youth in Asia.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/srirachase
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...

...that's where I finally had to draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13
🚨︎ report
My local pub has put a dartboard on the ceiling

Makes me want to throw up!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
Where does the king put his armies?

In his sleevies

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AJotaMcSizzle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work.

πŸ‘︎ 284
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.

Cheese and quackers

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/undercover723
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
I put up a random movie, turns out it was about the invention of the tampon

I didn’t expect it to be a period piece

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lurebat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
A chicken was put into the penalty box during a hockey game.

Apparently he was suspected of fowl play.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16
🚨︎ report
What kind of tomatoes do you put on a Caesar salad

Roma.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NostalgicStingray
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you put a bodybuilder in a sauna?... Steamed mussels!
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rob85048
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night.

Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
When typing a word-play joke, I never put extra spaces on the left.

No pun indented.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spar_wors
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down!
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Solilupus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.

Oooops. Wrong USB.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
When the horse from the Himalayas ran in the Derby, I just had to put money on it to win...

I just had a feeling he was the one Tibetan.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
After showing my wife a stain on my shirt, she said I should put some Shout on it.

So I screamed at my shirt.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KremDeLaFarts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
Did you see Thor put some subtle rouge on his brother’s cheeks with just a hint of eye shadow?

It was pretty Loki

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumCalf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
What do call it when you put two slices of bread around your foot?

A below-knee sandwich

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeeah_suree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...

... it’s impeckable!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/44pointer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
Where does the army put young soldiers?

The infantry.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
What does a superhero put in their scotch?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
I heard if you try to put a gun in your mouth and shot, it's not necessarily to make you die

This fact is just mind-blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deoxys14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
I had no idea my wife put a fake mustache on the squash

When I went to grab it, it caught me off gourd.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oof_oofo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.

Those were Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drunk98
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
You know where I should put those sea shells I found at the beach?

On the shellf.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawbalicious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.

It would be a travesty.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BoobslikeJagger
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you put mascarpone in a sneaker?

Tiramishu

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TomCanBe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
Dad, can you put my shoes on?

No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/giulesl614
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put a cowboy hat on an Audi?

It becomes a Haudi

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Getremtm8951
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
The project to restore Big Ben was a bit behind schedule, so the construction company put on a third shift...

Men are now working around the clock.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
I shouldn't have put those wooden shoes in sink.

Now it's clogged.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manuel_f_p
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UniBiPoly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, could you put my shoes on?

Me: No, I don’t think they will fit me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlamingNinja925
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04
🚨︎ report
What did john put on his pasta?

Parmajohn cheese

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OOOaaEEEEEE
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
Why put it there then?
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyclops1116789
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
After a long and terrible Autumn, the Sun was shining once again and the trees were finally put at ease.

They were releaved.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greedygoyem
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
What do Swedish people put in their coffee?

Artifical Swedeners

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
If you think about it, we all put fake excrement in our hair

Sham-poo

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
I made a cabbage, carrot and corn stir-fry tonight! The recipe called for tilipia, but I put in pork. I realize now that I should have put in chicken, though...

...it's supposed to be a C-food stir-fry.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wmcduff
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.

That’s how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?

SUMPRODUCT()

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/J3ST3RR
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
What do champions put in their hair?

CHAMPoo

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tortol9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
Where do pirates put the French accent mark cedilla?

Under the sea.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dz_moneyman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
I made a little bird hooouse, and put it in my garden...

...it's for the Spare O's.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
Dad, can you put my shoes on?

No, I don't think they'll fit me

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Real_Normal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
Is it okay to put up a picture of a crucifix?

Or is cross posting not allowed?

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?

Just beer i guess.

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eagle_Vision_13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
I put a new shelf towards the top of my fridge

The steaks have never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.

After awhile, it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOnEm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to put cheese on his burrito?

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
A nuclear power plant put up a new sign outside that read, "Post your positive reviews of us on social media!"

They were just fission for compliments.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
My wife had me put her wine in a basket

It turned out to be a fiasco

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tr1Optimum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
🚨︎ report
Every night I put my cellphone in charging and I wake up finding it in another room.

Probably it's mobile.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/geeky_or_nerdy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."

You know, a schwa sticker.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Elvis_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
🚨︎ report
I put out a weekly audio show about the history of fish.

It’s my codpast.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Don’t mind me just gonna put this here
πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mesh1150
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.

it's currently half empty

πŸ‘︎ 283
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

An investigator.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Futureman16
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
I tried to put my favourite Gorillaz song on the jukebox, but they didn't have it.

How DARE they?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.

She looked at me and said, β€œI’m having a T party.”

I chortled.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swAnsonWannabe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
🚨︎ report
Hope this pun doesn't put you on hedge
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drnelk
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
This administration is aiming to put a woman on the moon by 2024

Boobs on the moon 2024

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
I put the "Sexy" in "Dyslexic"

...wait a minute...

πŸ‘︎ 282
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MomoHasNoLife32
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
🚨︎ report
How do you put the pin back in a grenade ?

Quick answers PLEASE !

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenNugget6475
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
My son is almost 3, and frantically calls me into his room when he should be sleeping. Dad! Dad! Put your finger in my ear... so I do...

"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.

Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yyz-ac
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
What did the lawyer say when he put is suitcase to bed?

I rest my case

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryCoolPerson1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
What do I put here
πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughter’s toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said β€œit looks like Olaf”, to which my husband replied...

β€œI think you mean Toe-laf”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unexpectedfate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
🚨︎ report
We can't decide whether to put in soft pink or baby blue flooring in the nursery

It's an infantile problem

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
I had to put my foot down today.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

πŸ‘︎ 120
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
Did you know a major mathematical discovery was made when trying to put music online?

They tried to Log a Rhythm!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunytou
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report

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