As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
Time to put on the costume
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
Why did the chicken put on sunscreen?
So he wouldn’t get fried.
I just put gas in the car
You might want to crack a window
My black belt friend had to put lifts in his shoes...
...adding insoles to ninjary.
I put the punchline to this joke on Mr.Jackman's head.
If you don't get it, joke's on Hugh.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
I put a picture of myself in a locket...
You could say, I'm Independent.
What do cars put on their toast for breakfast?
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
I got my chips before I put my money into the vending machine
I guess it's out of order.
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
Just cost me a $1 to put air in my tyre, when before it used to be free.
I guess, that's inflation.
Dad: I just put a puzzle together
Dad: I just put a puzzle together. It only took one day. Box says 2 to 4 years
Kid: [whining] “Dad, will you put my shoes on?.” Dad: “No...
...they’ll never fit me.”
If I put a bunch of iron in a line
I don't plan to put up solar panels.
But if you do, more power to you.
Why do developers never put horse-drawn carriages in their games?
"Dad can you put the cat out?"
"Sorry I didn't know it was on fire again"
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.
They're always dropping the ball.
My Dad was really proud of the chicken fence he put up for the chicken run.
What do you get when you put your car in reverse?
I put my root beer in a square glass
My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
Someone put a bomb in my mailbox.
Holy shit this post blew up.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Does that mean I have frozen assets or cold hard cash?
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
Every time I put my car in reverse.
My wife asked me to put Ketchup on the shopping list ..
But now I can't read anything.
My Wife Asked Me To Put Ketchup On The Shopping List
Now I can't read any of it
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket...
You could say you’re independent.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
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