My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.
Now they can Scandinavian!
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women...
He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front
Why should you put mustard on a puppy with a fever?
Because it's the best thing for a hot dog
I was asked to put either an inspirational quote or a joke on the message board at work.
Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?
Never mind it’s a sea-crate....
(I made this up please don’t murder me)
Everytime I put my car in reverse
I think, huh, this takes me back
My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
Did yiu know a major mathematical discovery was made when trying to put music online?
They tries to Log a Rhythm.
Mom: Put a pair of normal shorts on.
Son: No I don’t like ghosts.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.
The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:
"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"
"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled
"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.
I asked my boss if he would donate to my organization that provides medical support to Asian children with terminal diseases so they don’t have to be put down.
He hasn’t responded yet, but when he does I’ll find out if he supports youth in Asia.
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.
It was a toot and car moon.
My local pub has put a dartboard on the ceiling
Makes me want to throw up!
Where does the king put his armies?
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.
I put up a random movie, turns out it was about the invention of the tampon
I didn’t expect it to be a period piece
A chicken was put into the penalty box during a hockey game.
Apparently he was suspected of fowl play.
What kind of tomatoes do you put on a Caesar salad
What do you get when you put a bodybuilder in a sauna?... Steamed mussels!
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night.
Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!
When typing a word-play joke, I never put extra spaces on the left.
I’ve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down!
I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.
When the horse from the Himalayas ran in the Derby, I just had to put money on it to win...
I just had a feeling he was the one Tibetan.
After showing my wife a stain on my shirt, she said I should put some Shout on it.
So I screamed at my shirt.
Did you see Thor put some subtle rouge on his brother’s cheeks with just a hint of eye shadow?
What do call it when you put two slices of bread around your foot?
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
Where does the army put young soldiers?
What does a superhero put in their scotch?
I heard if you try to put a gun in your mouth and shot, it's not necessarily to make you die
This fact is just mind-blowing.
I had no idea my wife put a fake mustache on the squash
When I went to grab it, it caught me off gourd.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
You know where I should put those sea shells I found at the beach?
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
What do you get when you put mascarpone in a sneaker?
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
What happens when you put a cowboy hat on an Audi?
The project to restore Big Ben was a bit behind schedule, so the construction company put on a third shift...
Men are now working around the clock.
I shouldn't have put those wooden shoes in sink.
I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account
I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it
Son: Dad, could you put my shoes on?
Me: No, I don’t think they will fit me.
What did john put on his pasta?
After a long and terrible Autumn, the Sun was shining once again and the trees were finally put at ease.
What do Swedish people put in their coffee?
If you think about it, we all put fake excrement in our hair
I made a cabbage, carrot and corn stir-fry tonight! The recipe called for tilipia, but I put in pork. I realize now that I should have put in chicken, though...
...it's supposed to be a C-food stir-fry.
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
What do champions put in their hair?
Where do pirates put the French accent mark cedilla?
I made a little bird hooouse, and put it in my garden...
...it's for the Spare O's.
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don't think they'll fit me
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
Is it okay to put up a picture of a crucifix?
Or is cross posting not allowed?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
I put a new shelf towards the top of my fridge
The steaks have never been higher
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to put cheese on his burrito?
A nuclear power plant put up a new sign outside that read, "Post your positive reviews of us on social media!"
They were just fission for compliments.
My wife had me put her wine in a basket
It turned out to be a fiasco
Every night I put my cellphone in charging and I wake up finding it in another room.
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."
You know, a schwa sticker.
I put out a weekly audio show about the history of fish.
Don’t mind me just gonna put this here
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
I tried to put my favourite Gorillaz song on the jukebox, but they didn't have it.
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”
Hope this pun doesn't put you on hedge
This administration is aiming to put a woman on the moon by 2024
I put the "Sexy" in "Dyslexic"
How do you put the pin back in a grenade ?
Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
My son is almost 3, and frantically calls me into his room when he should be sleeping. Dad! Dad! Put your finger in my ear... so I do...
"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.
Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
What did the lawyer say when he put is suitcase to bed?
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughter’s toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said “it looks like Olaf”, to which my husband replied...
“I think you mean Toe-laf”.
We can't decide whether to put in soft pink or baby blue flooring in the nursery
It's an infantile problem
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
Did you know a major mathematical discovery was made when trying to put music online?
They tried to Log a Rhythm!