My contact lenses have been dry on my eyes when I put them in. I discovered a liquid to prevent it!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Don't put it on him
π︎ 399
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
π︎ 95
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.
Now they can Scandinavian!
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jul 17 2020
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...shouldβve put it on aloha setting!
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 23 2019
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
I am trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can't seem to do it
I guess it must be sprocket science
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
After showing my wife a stain on my shirt, she said I should put some Shout on it.
So I screamed at my shirt.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
When the horse from the Himalayas ran in the Derby, I just had to put money on it to win...
I just had a feeling he was the one Tibetan.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
It is weird to see signs that say "In case of fire, don't use elevator". Everyone knows water is better to put on fires than an elevator.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 09 2018
Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 19 2020
I tried to put my favourite Gorillaz song on the jukebox, but they didn't have it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."
You know, a schwa sticker.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
I put my grandma's no. On speed dail, I call it insta-gram
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 06 2020
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, βIβm having a T party.β
I chortled.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
During my first ultrasound, the nurse pulled out the device that goes inside, and put a condom on it.
My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."
Actual, horribly painful dad joke.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughterβs toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said βit looks like Olafβ, to which my husband replied...
βI think you mean Toe-lafβ.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
A guy came into the bar to order a glass of Coca-Cola's first diet drink, saying to put it on his bill.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side.
I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 14 2020
If youβre going to put your money on something, make it yeast
It will always make your dough rise.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 05 2020
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called βUβ. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day,
U gave it a weigh.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
I made this thing years ago but I never put it on reddit, thought you guys might enjoy
π︎ 91
π
︎ Mar 01 2019
I once put a list of symbols on a map and everyone still talks about it.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 04 2020
This sign is strange but I canβt put my finger on it
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 22 2019
I love hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything...
...but the lemon juice in it wreaks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: Dentures made of chrome.
Because thereβs no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Aug 03 2019
Germans don't like it when you put sausage and cheese on the same slice of bread.
It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 19 2019
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.
Wife: Why...?
Me: It's going to be my secret stash
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 16 2020
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 16 2020
[A British Joke] I was wearing a T-Shirt with an anchor on it and my Dad put the letter 'W' on the left side of it
He then said that's what you are son
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 17 2019
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why... I wasn't even talking!
π︎ 207
π
︎ Mar 25 2019
As I turned on the car and put it in reverse, I thought to myself, man....
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?
They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 29 2019
My penis reacts when I put it on clocks.
It's alright, but it's hard at times.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 05 2019
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 09 2019
I put my clothes in the washing machine yesterday and all of them came out with a picture of Santa on it.
I shouldnβt have used the Yule Tide Detergent.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
Posted on r/surrealmemes and was told to put it here
π︎ 34
π
︎ Feb 01 2019
A worker tells his boss about a great idea. The boss says "let me think about it" then pulls a bad 80's wig from his desk and puts it on. The worker asks "what's that for?"
The boss says "I need to mull-it over..."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
Bought a pick the other day and put it on my mantle.
Itβs a hell of an ice breaker
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
I put a scrunchie on my horse today and she loved it.
It's her new mane squeeze.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 26 2019
After my friend drew this, I asked him if he wood put it on a shirt for me, and he did! Best shirt I ever saw.
π︎ 50
π
︎ May 21 2018
My friend tried to write a joke about me on a banner and he put it on himself.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?
I mean, imagine all the peepholes!
π︎ 203
π
︎ Feb 16 2019
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.