My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...

Now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonny1211
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My son said, β€œI accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.”

I said, β€œThat’s Heinz sight for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills

Those were goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 433
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gotblake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Time to put on the costume
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7keletor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.

They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I put a battery in the charger

It was revolting

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahlonMurder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 866
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator?

Raising the steaks.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?

Her stupidity knew no bonds

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...

It becomes tearable

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Love_and_Poop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?

In the Ark Hives.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you put the dog out?

I didn't know it was on fire!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vrestavoogan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't plan to put up solar panels...

But, if you do, more power to you.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.

Confused and upset, I asked why.

The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.

Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turkyman3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I was cold and hungry, so I put my feet in front of the heater

Now I have tostitos

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargeYourBattery
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
*Puts car in reverse*

You know, this really takes me back

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duat996
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.

The floor.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.

I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Don't put it on him
πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you put hear about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/askirk87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a French put in his salad?

L' ttuce

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ja-das-ist-gut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...

....and then put it back on the shelf.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen

I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."

That meant the world to me.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of alert do the police put out when someone steals your fire?

An ember alert.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wash_guy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'

What do they want a medal?

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.

It goes into one ear, and out the other.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."

I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken put on sunscreen?

So he wouldn’t get fried.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJWIZARD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I put my son on a nap

He's a kid napper now

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I just put gas in the car

You might want to crack a window

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpaceDBoogie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My black belt friend had to put lifts in his shoes...

...adding insoles to ninjary.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i4mb4tm4n
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I put the punchline to this joke on Mr.Jackman's head.

If you don't get it, joke's on Hugh.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/digiBeLow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I put a picture of myself in a locket...

You could say, I'm Independent.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...

I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.

My kid came up to me and says β€œoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.

I looked at my kid and said β€œI don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruum-502
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"

The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."

"a watched pot never boils"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list

Now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 363
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sm-aug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I put my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/therealfakebodhi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My Wife Asked Me To Put Ketchup On The Shopping List

Now I can't read any of it

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesiePig22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to put Ketchup on the shopping list ..

But now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report

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