My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
My son said, “I accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.”
I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
Time to put on the costume
I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.
They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"
I put a battery in the charger
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator?
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?
Did you put the dog out?
I didn't know it was on fire!
I don't plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.
Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun
I was cold and hungry, so I put my feet in front of the heater
*Puts car in reverse*
You know, this really takes me back
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
Did you put hear about the corduroy pillow?
What does a French put in his salad?
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
....and then put it back on the shelf.
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
What kind of alert do the police put out when someone steals your fire?
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.
It goes into one ear, and out the other.
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."
I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."
Why did the chicken put on sunscreen?
So he wouldn’t get fried.
I just put gas in the car
You might want to crack a window
My black belt friend had to put lifts in his shoes...
...adding insoles to ninjary.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
I put the punchline to this joke on Mr.Jackman's head.
If you don't get it, joke's on Hugh.
I put a picture of myself in a locket...
You could say, I'm Independent.
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
Every time I put my car in reverse.
My Wife Asked Me To Put Ketchup On The Shopping List
Now I can't read any of it
My wife asked me to put Ketchup on the shopping list ..
But now I can't read anything.
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