My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
Time to put on the costume
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.
They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Don't put it on him
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︎ Nov 25 2020
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
....and then put it back on the shelf.
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."
I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Why did the chicken put on sunscreen?
So he wouldnβt get fried.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I put my son on a nap
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I put the punchline to this joke on Mr.Jackman's head.
If you don't get it, joke's on Hugh.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
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︎ Jan 20 2021
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt Iβd share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says βoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaidβ as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said βI donβt think it needs a bandaid, he looks like heβs going to bounce backβ
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︎ Nov 20 2020
What do cars put on their toast for breakfast?
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Kid: [whining] βDad, will you put my shoes on?.β Dad: βNo...
...theyβll never fit me.β
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.
They're always dropping the ball.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.
Now they can Scandinavian!
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Get in a pun battle with me, and Iβll have to put on my...
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︎ Oct 25 2020
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
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︎ Dec 22 2020
guess what my dad wonβt let me put on my car?
dammit, Iβm not even allowed to mark this post as a spoiler
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︎ Jan 06 2021
What do gingerbread men put on their beds?
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
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︎ Nov 30 2020
Why did Rudolph get put on scholastic probation?
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I made some of my favourite puns into drawings to go on t shirts that Iβve put online! This one is my favourite βHigh Steaks Pokerβ
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︎ Oct 10 2020
So I decided I'm going to put cigarette pictures on my Tinder
Because I'm looking for matches
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︎ Dec 17 2020
i don't know why marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the hulk.....
he's essentially a big banner.
Edit: credits to u/mindswag and idk if that was done before :)
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︎ Nov 23 2020
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
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︎ Nov 13 2020
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now Iβm two hours late and I donβt even like Jim Carey
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︎ Mar 20 2020
You should put that on a shirt they said.
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︎ Oct 01 2020
What did Jesus say to Peter when he was put up on the Cross?
Yo, I can see your house from up here
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︎ Nov 22 2020
Why should you put mustard on a puppy with a fever?
Because it's the best thing for a hot dog
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︎ Aug 16 2020
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.
To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.
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︎ Nov 09 2020
I was asked to put either an inspirational quote or a joke on the message board at work.
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︎ Jul 09 2020
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
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︎ Sep 29 2020
My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
My wife asked me to put Ketchup on the shopping list ..
But now I can't read anything.
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My Wife Asked Me To Put Ketchup On The Shopping List
Now I can't read any of it
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︎ Jan 11 2021
"Dad, can you put my shoes on?"
"No, I don't think they'll fit me."
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
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︎ Nov 04 2020
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
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︎ Apr 16 2020
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