We've got pun dog...and now pun cat. You've cat to be kitten me right meow!
got pun? 10yr old daughter snuck this on to the milk jug in our refrigerator
imgur.com/tbP6spD
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
Just got a PS5 for my son.
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
A bald man got a great deal on a wig today - only $1!
It was a small price toupee.
I got struck by lightning.
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
I've got diarrhoea, my dads got diarrhoea and my grandparents have diarrhoea....
I got the word “Ouch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My dad asked me if it still hurts.
I told him yes, but it’ll heel.
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal.
Looking at a bottle of Molasses got me thinking...
What do they do with the rest of the mole?
- I once got fired from a canned juice company.
- I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
I got rear-ended by a rental car today
Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....
Yesterday I got hit by a can.
Thank god! Nothing happened because it was a soft drink.
I got a hammer lodged in my esophagus and doctors can't remove it
They say it's the worst case of a Thor throat they've ever seen.
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married....
...and then, it was too late.
Did you hear about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?
"Son, I heard you got punished for using the 'F ' word in class. That wasn't fun was it ?"
Got ourselves a new forklift at work...
Did you hear about the band that got cancelled by PETA for their album art featuring trees made of flesh?
They caught a lot of meatwood flack
did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?
he was lucky it was a soft drink
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance...
I got hired to paint someone’s home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
If you got a tattoo of a thermos..
You could then tell people you have a thermos-tat.
Two antennas got married.
The reception was wonderful.
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
I got a job as a concrete pourer a while back
It started off ok but just got harder, I suppose I just got set in my ways!
Got a new tattoo
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
I got the word “Ouch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My son asked me if it still hurts.
I told him yes, but it’ll heel.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
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