At this year's graduation cermony @ UCLA, James Hetfield will receive the Jim Henson memorial degree...
...he will finally get his Masters of Puppets. π€
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
Why didnβt the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
Their flight was deleied.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Jesus said unto John. Come forth and receive eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
How does a skeleton receive mail?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
What does a dog receive after he finishes his PHD in genetics?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
PSA: if you receive an email with the subject ding dong. Whatever you do, donβt open it.
Itβs the Jehovahβs witnesses working from home
π︎ 17
π
︎ May 12 2020
I'm flying to Oslo tomorrow to receive an award for losing so much weight.
I've won a Nobellly Prize.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 06 2020
Whatβs the best birthday present to receive?
A broken drum. You just canβt beat it.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
Me: <receives phone notification> "Ooh, it's supposed to start raining in 2 minutes"
Wife: "It's sunny outside"
Me: <continuing> "...the rain will be light."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 14 2020
If you receive a watch for Christmas
There's no better time than the present
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
What kind of award did the dentist receive?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
My friend went to Vietnam a while back, she could receive texts but not send them so I saw this as a perfect opportunity to send her some quality puns
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 26 2019
What's kind of surgeon receives the most awards?
Dentists. They receive a new kind of plaque almost every day!
π︎ 67
π
︎ Aug 24 2018
The inventor of the "knock knock" joke should receive a "No-Bell" prize
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 26 2014
I was going to receive a promotion at work soon so I bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to help me find out what to expect.
It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 06 2019
What medal did the weasel war hero receive?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2019
Why did the restaurant on the moon receive a bad rating?
Great food; no atmosphere.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 02 2018
Did you hear about the radio personality who murdered his only son while broadcasting because he didn't want him to receive any inheritance?
There was a lot of Dead heir on that show.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 15 2018
What did the Apple Genius receive from his boss after his first sale?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 03 2018
Every single present he receives, regardless of shape or size ...
π︎ 146
π
︎ Aug 09 2013
And god said to John βcome forth and ye shall receive eternal life.β
But John came in fifth and only got a toaster.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
And god said to John, come forth and receive eternal life
But he cane fifth and won a toaster
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
And the Lord said unto John "come fourth and receive eternal life"
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
And Jesus said "Come forth and receive eternal life."
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 87
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
And the Lord said unto John: Come forth and you will receive eternal life.
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 12 2019
God said to John " come forth and receive eternal life"
But he came fifth and won a toaster
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 06 2019
The Lord said to John: Come forth and receive eternal life.
But, John came 5th and got a toaster.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 28 2019
Jesus said "come forth and receive eternal life"
But Paul came fifth and got a toaster
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 22 2019
What kind of award did the dentist receive?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 01 2019
The Lord told John to come forth and he will receive eternal life
He came fifth and got a toaster
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
What kind of award did the dentist receive?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
And god said to John come forth and receive eternal life
But he came fifth and won a toaster
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
And the Lord said onto John " Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life."
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Dec 09 2018
And the Lord said unto John, βCome forth and you will receive eternal life.β
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
Then God said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"
He came fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 14 2019
God said to John, "come fourth and you will receive eternal life",
John came fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Feb 23 2019
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?
He was outstanding in his field
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jan 23 2019
God told John come fourth and receive eternal life...
But John came fifth and got a toaster
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 21 2018
What award does the Dentist of the Year receive?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 04 2018
God said to Tom "Come fourth and receive eternal life."
Instead Tom came fifth and received a toaster
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 17 2019
Why didn't the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
π︎ 190
π
︎ Oct 19 2016
And God said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and ended up with a toaster.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 13 2017
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