We've got pun dog...and now pun cat. You've cat to be kitten me right meow!
got pun? 10yr old daughter snuck this on to the milk jug in our refrigerator
imgur.com/tbP6spD
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
I got struck by lightning.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it's terminal.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
Got a new tattoo
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday.
I can’t wait to see your face light up when you open it.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
I got a pun calendar and thought I would share
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?
I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
2019 and 2020 got into a fight.
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
I use a lot of the jokes from here, but I always tell folks where I got them.
Just giving cReddit where it's due.
I just got fired from my job as a taxy driver.
Turns out people don't like it when you go the extra mile for them.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
At least he got laid before he died
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.
I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.
I got my car horn fixed at a Lion King themed shop called Scar's Auto Body.
The only gift I got for Christmas was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with this.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
It just let out a little wine
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
I got gas for $1.19 today!
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I got lazy, but here are day 11, 12 and 13 of Dadvent!
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
My dog moon got his leg amputated, but that's ok...
He's a got a faux pas now
I got my son a tire pump as a Christmas gift
I got arrested for stealing a calendar
I got banned from Hawaii for having a loud laugh
All they accept is a low ha
An egg got late to work. He says to his boss:
Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old
I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".
I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
I got consent from the artist to post this here. Source in cowments.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Did you hear about the Pokemon Trainer who got an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony?
I went to a wedding yesterday where two tv antennas got married
The wedding was horrible but the reception was great
If Optimus Prime and his wife got a child...
.. and that child took all the attention growing up, Optimus Prime would become "trans(-)parent".
EDIT: I meant "had", not "got".
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
I think it may be terminal
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal
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