When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
What did the panda say when it got overcharged for dinner?
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
Just got a crystal ball for Christmas. But I think it's kind of useless.
According to this thing, everyone's future just involves a stormy little cabin with a snowman out front.
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
What did 60 do when it got hungry?
I’ve got a tip for a horse in tomorrow’s big race, it’s won all its races, it’s called “dusty carpet”
We got a new air mattress but it was too lumpy. We called customer support, very angry, demanding our money back!
They said we were blowing it out of proportion.
I got a job crushing cans, and I hate it.
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream
I can't wait to rub it in
I got a vasectomy and my wife still doesn't know it.
I just dont have the balls to tell her.
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
Where did the shepherd take his sheep after it got lost and nearly died of hypothermia?
What did the Turkey say after its leg got bitten off
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...
It's one small step for Nan....
Got it from r/TechnicallyTheTruth
My invention was amazing! After many many attempts, I finally got a two-wheeled vehicle to stand on its own!
I guess tri, tri again is the way.
My female cat just got fixed, but the vet insisted on referring to it as "feline ovarian removal".
Look, sometimes you have to call a spayed a spayed.
My wife told me today that when I got her food order, that I need to remember to ask for cheese or they wouldn’t add it.
I told her if they forgot the cheese again, it wouldn’t end very Gouda for them!
What did the cat say when it got hurt?
I got a new tablet computer but I'm nervous every time I use it.
I guess you could say I have Surface tension.
What did the Lincoln Memorial say when it got pepper in its nose?
I had a Viagra last night and it got stuck in my throat
I woke up with a stiff neck
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
What did the pencil bag say when it got poked?
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
Tootsie Pops finally got into the 21st century and created a Facebook page. With it, they created a new catchphrase.
How many likes does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
My grandson got a cookie from a Chinese restaurant with no piece of paper in it
I told him it was very unfortunate
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so I tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in the hospital now waiting to see a cardyologist.
I went out the garden this afternoon and got sunburnt. It was my own fault...
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
It’s got a wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels and a wooden gas tank. Did he ride it? No, wooden start
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
Two tomatoes crossed the street. One got squashed by a car, the other one passed it and said:
Why did the car stop working after it got its tires changed?
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
Just got a credit card bill with a camouflaged bull printed on it...!?
..It's the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
Got this from r/memes. Thought it belonged here.
I got banned from the buy sell trade group for this but it was worth it.
imgur.com/jrZ6LX8
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
It finally came full circle. I got my dad!
He was installing something on the wall and needed me to tell him if it was even.
“Come here gnarcolepsy_, I need your eyeballs.”
“Sorry, I’m using them right now.”
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
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