I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
"Son, I heard you got punished for using the 'F ' word in class. That wasn't fun was it ?"
If you had a Tesla and it got stolen...
Would it now be an Edison?
I was going to tell you a funny joke, but it got
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
You really got to hand it to short people...
Mainly because they can't reach it themselves.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
"You got spat on, you big baby, it's not the end of the world!"
"That's not what I said. I said it was the alpaca lips!"
Have you heard about the chicken that got kicked out because it was too big?
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
My kids got on the subject of lava & asked: “Can you drink it?!”
So I said, “Sure! But it’ll go right through you!”
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."
"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"
So i posted this OC in r/jokes a while ago and it only got 2 upvotes. Hoping you intellectuals will appreciate it more ....... Why do environmentalists iron their clothes?
To decrease the materials being used.
Darlings you got to let me know. Should I shave or should I grow? If I shave there could be stubble, and if I grow it could be double. So c’mon and let me know ohhhh..
You ever notice how George Washington only got a big stick, and everyone else got huge memorials? I guess that's why they call it the Washington Post.
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
Did you know there used to be a story in the bible about a bank heist but it got removed
Another one for the IT crowd (if you got this, you are old - sorry)
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink
If you got in a fight with a fish, how would you knock it out?
A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she finds out about it, she is livid. "Are you serious?" She screams.
"Yes, I'm not kidding you."
Did you hear about the guy that robbed the library for every book they had? When questioned on how he did it he told authorities he basically talked the librarian into letting him. So i guess you could say he got a way with words.
You know how the dish soap Ajax got its name?
Patient: Doctor, I swallowed some rope last night Doctor: Have you got it out of you system yet? Patient: I'm a frayed knot
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
Got an exciting new wallpaper. You could even say it's the definition of excitement.
Got bored, started doodling. I thought you guys would like it.
Son, have I ever told you the story of how Canada got it's name?
First, someone said,
"I think it should have a C, eh?"
Then another guy said,
"I think it should have an N, eh?"
Then a third guy said,
"I think it should have a D, eh?"
How do you find out what a ghost got for its birthday?
You've got to hand it to them,
For the 2nd time in 4 years, I got my girlfriend to laugh at one of my daily dad jokes! Hope you like it too.
We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns.
So my girl yells, "well, he is a coffee person!"
Me- "no babe, he is just a human person."
(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a "you're so dumb", but dammit, I am taking the win!)
My dad had to sing his joke to make sure we got it. Yeah, we got it the first time you said it.
(My sister preparing a pizza for dinner)
Sister: "There are almost no toppings on this pizza, It's just a base."
Dad: "Really? all about the base?"
Me: Yeah, she said there are no toppings on it.
Dad: "It's all about that base, about the base no toppings!"
I told my uncle I'd finish my homework when I got around to it. I thought you all would appreciate his response.
He handed me one of these the next day: http://imgur.com/Uiz0tr7
Hey dad, you got a new hair cut, do you like it?
Well, it's growing on me.
"Son !!! I heard you got punished for using the 'F' word in class. That wasn't fun, was it ?"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
You've really got to hand it to short people
Because they usually can't reach it anyways
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