I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NoThruTrucks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/a_wild_redditer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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This one usually works

Did this one on my friend, and she slapped me in the head.

Me: I got two jokes for you

Her: Okay, try it

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Her: Dunno

Me: To get to the house of the person who finally understood the joke

Her: I don't get it

Me: You don't? Isn't it obvious?

Her: No. I don't get it

Me: Okay okay, let me try the other joke

Her: Go ahead

Me: Knock Knock

Her: Who's there?

Me: The Chicken

Her *slap*

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/makeit234
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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Unemployed Pilot (Dad still killing it at 70)

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ‘

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Garbarrage
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Wife got me with a jungle themed joke (Long-ish)

So weโ€™ve got this FisherPrice Projector Mobile thing that projects a rotating imaging onto the ceiling. (Very nice little thing, highly suggest for babies)

Anyways... Weโ€™ve got it set up in the living room and Wife, Son, and I are laying on the ground in the dark watching it go round and round. Itโ€™s Jungle Themed, so a lion, elephant giraffe, tiger, a few monkeys, and so on...

Weโ€™re pointing out the different animals to Son and heโ€™s repeating a few words here and there... When he starts waving and saying โ€œHiโ€ as a new animal rotates in.

So Wife goes, โ€œHere comes the Lion. Can you say Hi to the Lion?โ€

And Son waves and says โ€œHi!โ€ and giggles.

Wife: โ€œAnd thereโ€™s an Elephant! Can you Hi to the Elephant?โ€

Son: โ€œHi... tootsโ€

Wife: โ€œYes! Toots! And hereโ€™s the next animal. Can you wave to the tiger?โ€

Son: โ€œHi!โ€

Wife: โ€œThatโ€™s the โ€˜Hi of the Tigerโ€™โ€

Me: โ€œ... ๐Ÿ’€ ๐Ÿ’€ ๐Ÿ’€โ€

Wife: โ€œYou love me... Look Son! A Zebra!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Desdomen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and Iโ€™m not even sure where I got it from...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vanilakodey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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My dad isnโ€™t usually one full of dad jokes, but he hit me with a great one today.

For context, my dad had a leg amputation a few months back but heโ€™s been in mostly good spirits about it. We were talking about places to eat in our area, and he asked where one of the fast food restaurants was around here, so I said โ€œItโ€™s at the intersection, where the IHOP is.โ€

Dad replied, โ€œOh, thatโ€™s my favorite place to get breakfast.โ€

I never got food with my dad at IHOP before so I was confused, but then it dawned on me what he meant. ๐Ÿ˜

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kalleh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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A tire company got hit hard by the pandemic.

First off, not many people were buying tires, as they were driving less. Then the warehouse got robbed. To add insult to injury, the place caught on fire. For them it really hasnโ€™t been a Goodyear.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ggfchl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My dad made the dadliest of jokes.

We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,โ€ hang on, werenโ€™t they working for him?โ€ My dad then proceeded to say,โ€not any more. They just got fired.โ€ It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nessmainsarescum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NeGuy1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I could use help refining this one

Many of you probably know what itโ€™s like to have part of a joke or a punchline that you canโ€™t seem to put together into one full working joke. Hereโ€™s what Iโ€™ve got:

The filmโ€™s last frame, already used, says to the camera, โ€œCome on, take another photo, I donโ€™t mind.โ€

To which the camera replies, โ€œAre you sure? I wouldnโ€™t want to superimpose.โ€

Itโ€™s there but itโ€™s not quite. Any help?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AndrewZabar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Fun day out at the beach

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like โ€œwe arent even touching it, calm down!โ€ but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said โ€œif you step over this line, i WILL punch you..โ€

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Truplup
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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So, a boy tells a girl a joke...

He says "what do you call it when an environmentalist sets a forest on fire?"

She says "I don't know."

He says "Treeson." The girl laughs

He follows saying "Yknow, if you'd like more of these jokes, I got them from a cool source if you're interested."

The girl says "Yes, I'm interested."

The boy then replies "Good to know SOMEONE is interested in me."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nicholas-Pressey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him โ€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.โ€ He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining โ€œjingle bellsโ€ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. โ€œRudolphโ€ โ€œFrosty the Snowmanโ€ โ€œDrummer Boyโ€ even โ€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausโ€ in the best impersonations heโ€™s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. โ€œ No no honey this works watchโ€ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. โ€œNO honey it really works watch!โ€ โ€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmasโ€ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. โ€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!โ€ He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out โ€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hipphazy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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A โ€˜divineโ€™ healer in his โ€˜miracleโ€™ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ball5deeper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I was talking to an interior designer recently, who had just designed Adeles gaming room

She said โ€œAdele was a good person to work for, but we had problems with her computer desk. I put it on one side of the room, and Adele got pretty angry.โ€

She said Adele replied โ€œNo! I want to play Halo from the other sideโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Folically-endowed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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My daughter asked how old she will be next month.

My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sallyโ€™s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.

โ€œDaddyโ€, she whispered tugging my shirt.

โ€œGuess how old Iโ€™ll be next month?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know, honey.โ€ I said as I slipped on my glasses. โ€œHow old?โ€

She smiled and held up 4 fingers.

Itโ€™s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up youโ€™re

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kmaff90
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BANGexclamationmark
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Recent Trip to the Grocery Store

I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied โ€œItโ€™s the Times, New Roman.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FapAlbert
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Warning!

Be aware We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) I went to pick it up last night and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Weedwacker01
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I'm technically an uncle, but my niece laughed so...

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shatari
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldnโ€™t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnโ€™t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasnโ€™t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnโ€™t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldnโ€™t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnโ€™t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didnโ€™t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasnโ€™t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldnโ€™t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TTMOfficial
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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A friends Dad said her Mom isn't doing well...

Her said called her and said Mom isn't doing well. She got all worried and started getting emotional so she called her Grandmother to ask what was going on. She found out that Doctors are telling her one of her ovaries seems missing and they don't know where it is. She seemed relieved to find this out as it wasn't as serious as her dad made it out to be but was still concerned.

I told her that her dad had an ovaryaction.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Qik1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Why was the dolphin trainer upset with the surfer?

Because he did it on porpoise.

(Told this to my 4 kids and got 2 groans, one confused look, and an eye-roll)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mikethejoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldnโ€™t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, sheโ€™d say to Little Hop, โ€œIf you keep on keepinโ€™ on hoppin around all aimless, Iโ€™m gonna turn you into a toad!โ€

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frogโ€™s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

โ€œI toad you so.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/martianrome
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Italian restaurants

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitorโ€™s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: โ€œThis full pl8, Iโ€™m sure you can appreci8. Itโ€™s so gr8. Now just dig in donโ€™t hesit8, I sure you donโ€™t want to w8โ€.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: โ€œIs that a copypasta?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-KFAD-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like Iโ€™m dadding well:

Son: โ€œI hate crumbs.โ€

Me: โ€œThatโ€™s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.โ€

Son: โ€œWell I donโ€™t want to eat them.โ€

Me: โ€œAnd they donโ€™t want to eat you.โ€

Son: โ€œCrumbs canโ€™t eat anything, Dad. They donโ€™t have a mouth and they canโ€™t swallow things inside them.โ€

Me: โ€œWhat if thereโ€™s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and itโ€™s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? Iโ€™d say it just got eaten.โ€

Son: โ€œAnd Iโ€™d say youโ€™re ducking weird.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VeryLastBison
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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What did the doormaker say about the door?

Relax, I got a handle on it

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Two vegans were travelling through a desert...

A few weeks into their journey, they ran out of food. Unable to find plants to eat, and after an entire day of discussion, they decided that if they found meat before plants, the would eat it.

A day later, in the distance, they saw a small tree. As they got closer, they saw that there were strips of perfectly cooked bacon hanging from the bare limbs.

The first vegan grew excited. "Look! It's a bacon tree! Food!" And with that, he took off running toward it.

The other vegan hung back, looking at it suspiciously. "No, wait!" he called. "That's not a bacon tree!"

"Sure it is! It's a bacon tree!" the first vegan yelled over his shoulder. When he reached the tree, he jumped, trying to reach the bacon from the lower branches, but before he could, a pair of wild boar darted out from behind the tree and skewered him on their tusks.

The other vegan shook his head. "I tried to tell you it wasn't a bacon tree. It was just a hambush..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VA_DiagSexAddict
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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I was having an argument about construction with someone on reddit.

He said he never had any issues with mis-calculations during construction on houses and I said that's impossible.

I told him in response about a time I put a post in the ground at a bad angle and had to take it out and put it back in correctly.

He got mad at me because he had heard the same exact story on r/construction

I guess you could call it a repost

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ReHawse
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Couldnโ€™t figure out when sunrise was supposed to be this morning

Luckily it finally dawned on me.

๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Got a big 12 pound brisket on the grill today, and several more dad jokes in the chamber. Doin dad stuff.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bradb717
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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Made my first dad joke in awaiting my wife to give birth.

Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Babyโ€™s mum said โ€˜gotta be careful, itโ€™s got salt in itโ€™,

To my amazement I said โ€˜ they contain salt!โ€™ To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictiveโ€™

With out thinking i splutedโ€™ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!

No one laughed but me.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/qit4444
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didnโ€™t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions โ€œso whatโ€™s the food like here??โ€ The other lions responded...

โ€œActually itโ€™s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SidB_22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SpartanMonkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.

I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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There was once a troop of boy scouts camping in the mountains

Needing to refill on water, they approached a pristine mountain stream. "Surely we don't need to boil THIS water. It's so clear!" they thought. They all got sick.

Never judge a brook by its color.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/evanmcook
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Rock puns

I have a pet rock but he's really hit rock bottom he has also got into rock and roll music and I think rocks but lately he has put on a stone or two so he get karma it would rock his world

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/A-Random-Person130
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I finally got to cash in on a joke today that Iโ€™ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. Thereโ€™s a big crack in it still.

He didnโ€™t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I donโ€™t care.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LostPin
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
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I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago

My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange:

"Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!"

I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/doctor-rumack
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I failed a math test on an elevator.

I got it wrong on so many levels.

An old one I know, I just thought the punchline needed revision.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SD_Swift
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Recent Trip to the Grocery Store

I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied โ€œItโ€™s the Times, New Roman.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FapAlbert
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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I just bought a dog from the blacksmith

As soon as he got home he made a bolt for the door.

Thought this fit here. Saw it on r/jokes from u/jimathay

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AHighTeddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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