I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 26 2021
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
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︎ Mar 26 2021
I never knew what happiness was until I got married....
...and then, it was too late.
π︎ 39
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︎ Mar 24 2021
My 2 pet birds got stuck together, so I took them to the vets to see what they could do.
Apparently, he couldn't do anything, because it was just....
Toucan-fusing.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Just got an epic eye roll for this: My son was showing me his school work from math, where he was learning fractions. I pointed to where he wrote his name on a line at the top and asked what that fraction was.
I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her.
Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....
One Whole
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︎ Feb 20 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 10 2021
What puns can I tell when I want to tell my friends I got a boyfriend?
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 23 2020
What did my hose say when I got bar mitzvahed?
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 14 2021
She got what I wanted.
My wife wanted to introduce a Vibrator into our relationship. I bought a vintage Harley-Davidson...
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 05 2021
As a secret agent, my kids never know what I got them for Christmas..
I always keep the presents under wraps.
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My friend got married so I wrote her a poem regarding what she meant to me...
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
π︎ 35
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︎ May 22 2020
When I was in school I got asked, "What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?"
π︎ 11
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︎ May 17 2020
A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the road. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. βHow do you know if the dog was dead?β She asked the boy. βI know because I pissed in his ear.β The teacher looked horrified. βWhat do you mean you pissed in his ear??β
βI went up to him and went βPssstt!β in his ear and he didnβt move.β
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 18 2020
I got into an argument with a friend about what the best medieval weapon was. I said the Warhammer, he said the Mace. It got so heated we are currently not speaking to each other...
Talk about blunt force drama.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 05 2020
I stubbed my toe and got scolded by my parents for yelling βWhat the duckβ
They were angry that I used fowl language
π︎ 4k
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︎ Aug 13 2018
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.
I grimaced, "We haven't got a son."
π︎ 5
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︎ May 17 2020
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 13 2020
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 01 2020
What did I do after I got drafted?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 08 2020
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
π︎ 19
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︎ Feb 06 2020
I'm a primary school teacher and one of my kids got me in the lols with this one today... what's a witch's favorite subject?
π︎ 125
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︎ Feb 14 2019
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, βOh sure. Iβm out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I donβt have anyone telling me what to do.β
I told him, βTurn right at the next corner.β
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 02 2020
Wanna know what I did when I got the draft letter for WWIII on Iran?
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 23 2020
I got into a huge argument with my wife over what kind of bread to order at the Indian restaurant
But it turned out to be a naan issue
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said βI lost my brotherβ. The police said βwhat is your nameβ βshutupβ the police said βwhat did you say to meβ βshutupβ. The police said βare you looking for troubleβ βyepβ
π︎ 17
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︎ Jun 07 2019
My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldnβt. βWhat, are you not smart enough?β
βNo Uβ
Iβll see myself out.
π︎ 178
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︎ Oct 29 2018
After I got a new leather messenger bag, my Dad asked "Do you know what the number 1 use of cow hide is?"
π︎ 3k
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︎ Oct 18 2016
My dad came into the living room asking what I was watching on tv, after I told him he got mad and left.
I guess Iβll talk to him after I finish watching boomerang
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 23 2019
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 24 2019
I was at a sandwich restaurant once. I got a meat and cheese sandwich, and when the waiter asked me what kind of meat I wanted, I pointed to his knee. He didn't know what I meant, so I left.
I guess he did understand that I wanted bologna.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 28 2019
Iβve just got a job with a company what makes bicycle wheels
Iβm their new spokesperson
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
For their 50th anniversary, my parents went on vacation, but unfortunately, my dad got really ill. When they got back, I asked, "Dad, what made you so sick in Hawaii?" He laughed and said...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 01 2019
Student: Whatβs infinity? Math Teacher: Think of a number. Student: Okay, Iβve got one.
Math Teacher: Good! That's not it
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 20 2019
Dad and I were building a storage shed. His pocket starts to beep until I got annoyed. I said βDad, what is that beeping? Turn it off!β
He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says βSorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.β
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 15 2019
My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says "look what I got for my wife".....
π︎ 44
π
︎ Apr 24 2019
My 4 year old daughter got me today when I asked what she wanted for dinner
Me: what do you want for dinner?
Olivia: Pigs N a blanket
Me: ok, we can do that
Olivia: well you'd better go to a farm to get a pig!
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 31 2019
I was running late getting the kids ready this morning. We finally got downstairs and I yell for my daughter. "Oh no sweetie! Look at what happened! Who peed on the counter!?"
https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx
She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."
"That's what I said. Pea!'
ΰ² ΰ²Ώ_ΰ²
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 24 2019
DAD: Fifty years ago I had nothing, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 year old girl every night. Now we have a large house and a nice car, but I'm sleeping with an old woman. What happened?
MOM: Go ο¬nd yourself a hot 23 year old girl and I'll make sure you'll once again have nothing.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 21 2019
I also got this from my son. βWhat do you call a shemale thatβs late to a party?β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
A man walks into a bar looking depressed. Bar tender asks whats wrong? Man says its his 50th wedding anniversary. And that when he was a teenager he got his girl friend pregnant. And to make it worse the father was a Judge and he told me if i did'nt marry his daughter i would go to Jail for 50 year
Today I could be a free man !
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 23 2018
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 30 2018
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 43
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I said to my daughter, βItβs time for bed, the cows are asleep in the fieldβ. She asked βwhatβs that got to do with anythingβ?
I said βItβs pasture bedtimeβ.
π︎ 111
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
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