I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poshnoshlosh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/my_miggy
πŸ“…︎ May 28
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The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What could a furniture store call examples of seats for kitchen islands or bars?

Stool samples!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
Man at the theatre asks the usher: β€œwhat’s my seat number?”

Usher responds: β€œ10-Q”

Man responds: β€œYou’re welcome. Now what’s my seat number?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
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Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat?

I stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dengsta
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.

She hates when I call her that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
Feeling β€œexhausted” ? Have a seat !
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
I was going to replace the seats at my bar

But...I just can't look at another stool sample

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
Don't pee on the seat, or urine trouble.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrytiLaughs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
My son's school bus driver told him to quickly find a seat.

"There's one!" he yelled. "Look, there's another one right there! And another over there!"

He walked home that day.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
The car salesman wouldn’t stop trying to upsell me to the leather seats

He had interior motives

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saucyminnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?

They need plenty of

KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar

πŸ‘︎ 230
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnnyfender
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station

Investigators have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 374
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πŸ‘€︎ u/javerthugo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?

Put me in coach.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinkyWaluigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Take a seat
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasP993
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt...

Then it clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Best seat in the house
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs110466
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...

How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat

One got pissed off

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KONAMIC0DE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you use toilet seat liners in public restrooms?

Or do you not give a crap

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/platformjuan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My teacher asked me why I kept getting out of my seat.

I told him "It's because I can't stand sitting."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Have a seat
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat? /r/Jokes/comments/jl5zxl/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timberdoodledan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinnBelly21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the toilet seat wear to the party?

A butt on down

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What is going through carwash with windows down and dog in back seat?

Carpet cleaning

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Honey! I finally got the car seat in the car! Where’s the kid?

College!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/recentlyunearthed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a cop and a broken seat have in common?

They’re both a pain in the ass if you don’t park right.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.

But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.

After awhile, it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOnEm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a car that has a wooden engine, wooden tires, wooden steering wheel, and wooden seats.

Problem is it wooden start.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiradzim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does an ambulance have two seats up front? πŸš‘ For the Pair Of Medics
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inquivious
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 648
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problem."

I said, "Where the fuck am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
What could a furniture store call examples of seats for kitchen islands or bars?

Stool Samples.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down

I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around

πŸ‘︎ 312
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 378
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ntuso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt.

Then it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmy_rickar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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