The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?

Put me in coach.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinkyWaluigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?

They need plenty of

KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar

πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnnyfender
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt...

Then it clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station

Investigators have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 373
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πŸ‘€︎ u/javerthugo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...

How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat? /r/Jokes/comments/jl5zxl/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timberdoodledan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Best seat in the house
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs110466
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My teacher asked me why I kept getting out of my seat.

I told him "It's because I can't stand sitting."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat

One got pissed off

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KONAMIC0DE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you use toilet seat liners in public restrooms?

Or do you not give a crap

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/platformjuan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the toilet seat wear to the party?

A butt on down

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Have a seat
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Take a seat
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasP993
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Honey! I finally got the car seat in the car! Where’s the kid?

College!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/recentlyunearthed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.

But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a cop and a broken seat have in common?

They’re both a pain in the ass if you don’t park right.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.

After awhile, it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOnEm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down

I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around

πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinnBelly21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does an ambulance have two seats up front? πŸš‘ For the Pair Of Medics
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inquivious
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a car that has a wooden engine, wooden tires, wooden steering wheel, and wooden seats.

Problem is it wooden start.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiradzim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I reattached a cup holder to my son's car seat the other day. My daughter (5yo) taunted him, saying, "I have TWO cup holders!" I told her, "It's not a competition," to which she replied...

"But it is a CUP-etition!"

... I've never been so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we test seat belts with crash test dummies ?

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokeretailer
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole all the toilet seats at the police station.

The police are trying to find the thief but they have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If you slide around too much on the toilet seat

You might get a turd degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My "friend" pranked me by putting a dead bird on the driver's side seat of my car...

It was a lark.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
We need to discuss your results sir. Please, have a seat.
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Ive just bought a wooden car. It’s got a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. There’s just one problem...

Wooden start!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheDonut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I couldn't reserve a seat in library. Turns out they were...

completely booked.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kones_6999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a foundation who donates seats?

A chairity

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.

One got pissed off.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXKilltheBearXx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
The next Fast & Furious should be called, "Fast10: Your Seat Belts"

Fasten your seat belts

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcgrotts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 624
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt.

Then it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmy_rickar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 379
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntuso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 203
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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