Best seat in the house
πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs110466
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ogury
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Have a seat
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
What does a cop and a broken seat have in common?

They’re both a pain in the ass if you don’t park right.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.

That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapyre
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
I lost my job today because I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person

It turns out that everyone else on the bus didn’t want a blind person behind the wheel...

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMolest
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.

After awhile, it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOnEm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt.

Then it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmy_rickar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
🚨︎ report
Take a seat
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasP993
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do we test seat belts with crash test dummies ?

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokeretailer
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down

I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around

πŸ‘︎ 311
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
I reattached a cup holder to my son's car seat the other day. My daughter (5yo) taunted him, saying, "I have TWO cup holders!" I told her, "It's not a competition," to which she replied...

"But it is a CUP-etition!"

... I've never been so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
Someone stole all the toilet seats at the police station.

The police are trying to find the thief but they have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
Why does an ambulance have two seats up front? πŸš‘ For the Pair Of Medics
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Inquivious
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
I bought a car that has a wooden engine, wooden tires, wooden steering wheel, and wooden seats.

Problem is it wooden start.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amiradzim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
If you slide around too much on the toilet seat

You might get a turd degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 377
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntuso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
My "friend" pranked me by putting a dead bird on the driver's side seat of my car...

It was a lark.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinnBelly21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Ive just bought a wooden car. It’s got a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. There’s just one problem...

Wooden start!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
We need to discuss your results sir. Please, have a seat.
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a foundation who donates seats?

A chairity

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes.

And that's a huge ass connection

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fried_Cheesee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I couldn't reserve a seat in library. Turns out they were...

completely booked.

πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kones_6999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
How can you be sure you’ll always be able to find a seat in Star Wars church?

Because of all the pew-pew-pews!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nowhere53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Couldn’t find my seat at the Elton John concert

I’m still standing

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kah0303
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The next Fast & Furious should be called, "Fast10: Your Seat Belts"

Fasten your seat belts

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcgrotts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.

One got pissed off.

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xXKilltheBearXx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheDonut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I could really use a seat right about now.

It's too bad I'm such a stand up guy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HuckingFigh90
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
taking a seat
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__divisions__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone literally saved my ass by putting this note on some seats on the tram this morning
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ejgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that fell out of the tree and on to the bike with no seat?

It totally Rectum

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryputski
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
People are starting to get angry, there’s too many who want my position, too many after my seat.

I think I better leave the toilet now.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poshpringles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Dude, just take a seat...
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rorew
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you say when someone offers you a seat?

Thanks for your chair-ity

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Children in the back seat cause accidents,

and accidents in the back seat cause children.

πŸ‘︎ 220
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sebakira
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Take a Seat.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gcarsk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.

Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

πŸ‘︎ 824
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TailBullet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A sandwich walks in the bar and takes a seat

Bartender says: We don't serve food here.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AgamGamez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the best wood to make a seat?

Chairy

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oreil087
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Seat warmers are not cool
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehmayormccheese
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Gentlemen- what’s a shortcut to not piss on the seat?

Ctrl+P

πŸ‘︎ 268
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hollywoodsine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

There's a warrant out for his arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomd0g
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked...

Then it just clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What seat number on the airplane did Nashville get assigned?

10C

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm in this new business of producing prayer mats with built in ejector seats...

So far the prophets are soaring.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Purtassium
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.

I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place

πŸ‘︎ 157
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
If paper planes had seats

Would they be 4a or A4?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, there's an unpaid parking ticket next to you on the front seat

Dad: "Fine by me"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?

Next to a Windu.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Star Wars 7PM show last night, a dad behind me was saving four seats with his daughter...

...and every time someone approached him he repeated "these aren't the seats you're looking for."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
🚨︎ report
I gave my seat to a blind person today

I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokenKingDav10
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.

It’s my car pet.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the wooden car with wooden seat, wooden keys, and a wooden engine?

It wooden start.

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsopoor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vartha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Can anyone here donate to an organization making seats?

We’re a Chairity

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
It's so hot here in Australia right now that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up...

... just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Traveling Hawaii by bus and bae took the window seat.

Now I'm having a baeview.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Brightside04
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Two fleas were sitting on a toilet seat

One of them got pissed off.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecOpsAlpha
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Her: In the future, can you put the toilet seat down?

Me: Now I need to know how to time travel?

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A broken toilet seat makes a shitty toboggan
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
When your home alone but the toilet seat is warm

...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TurtleMarshan02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do people bother fighting for seats in the Congress?

All they have to do is bring their own chair.

-organically sourced from my dad

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AthenaBird
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Free love seat

Friend: Would anyone like a free love seat?

Me: Just how much free love has happened on the seat, exactly?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sigan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I found a snake under my toilet seat...

Turns out it was a butt viper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lookenspeeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Any new leads on the missing toilet seats?

Not yet, we still have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bumsieboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I remember my dad pulled out the seat i was about to sit on, and i fell hard on my butt. He then said....

"Well, i guess you fell for that"

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AhmadRK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I only give up my seat during tax season.

It's considered a chairitable donation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastaSaurizard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to put down the toilet seat.

So I walked over to it and said, "You stink of urine!"

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Me: Can you direct me to a seat, Please

Usher: YEAH

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I walked into a furniture shop. I said to the assistant, "That leather seat over there...I've been sent in by my wife to buy it for her."

He said, "Ah, I've got one those at home."

I said, "Well, she can't be as bossy as mine."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Hostess couldn't quite figure out where to seat us...

Dad: "She's taking us on a wild booth chase!"

Note: He said this through tears of laughter, while literally slapping his own knee.

πŸ‘︎ 939
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joelle18
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
🚨︎ report
I was checking in to a flight and the time came to pick a seat

The flight attendant asked "Window or aisle?"

To which I replied "Window or you'll what?"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThirteenthBingpot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes...

And that's a huge ass connection.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't reserve a seat in library. Turns out they were...

completely booked.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kones_6999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 304
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes.

And that's a huge ass connection.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag, but all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bazander04
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/isthisgood12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked

Then it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SideOfInsanity
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.

Then it just clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/udrys
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out to fasten my seat belt,

Then it clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chicken_Strangler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sgav
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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