I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.

That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapyre
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Why do we test seat belts with crash test dummies ?

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokeretailer
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
Take a seat
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasP993
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone stole all the toilet seats at the police station.

The police are trying to find the thief but they have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
I reattached a cup holder to my son's car seat the other day. My daughter (5yo) taunted him, saying, "I have TWO cup holders!" I told her, "It's not a competition," to which she replied...

"But it is a CUP-etition!"

... I've never been so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down

I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around

πŸ‘︎ 315
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
Why does an ambulance have two seats up front? πŸš‘ For the Pair Of Medics
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Inquivious
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a car that has a wooden engine, wooden tires, wooden steering wheel, and wooden seats.

Problem is it wooden start.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amiradzim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
If you slide around too much on the toilet seat

You might get a turd degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
My "friend" pranked me by putting a dead bird on the driver's side seat of my car...

It was a lark.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady

And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver

πŸ‘︎ 168
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/H3phy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 378
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntuso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
Ive just bought a wooden car. It’s got a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. There’s just one problem...

Wooden start!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
We need to discuss your results sir. Please, have a seat.
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinnBelly21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a foundation who donates seats?

A chairity

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes.

And that's a huge ass connection

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fried_Cheesee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How can you be sure you’ll always be able to find a seat in Star Wars church?

Because of all the pew-pew-pews!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nowhere53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
I couldn't reserve a seat in library. Turns out they were...

completely booked.

πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kones_6999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Couldn’t find my seat at the Elton John concert

I’m still standing

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kah0303
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
The next Fast & Furious should be called, "Fast10: Your Seat Belts"

Fasten your seat belts

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcgrotts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.

One got pissed off.

πŸ‘︎ 100
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xXKilltheBearXx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I could really use a seat right about now.

It's too bad I'm such a stand up guy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HuckingFigh90
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
People are starting to get angry, there’s too many who want my position, too many after my seat.

I think I better leave the toilet now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poshpringles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that fell out of the tree and on to the bike with no seat?

It totally Rectum

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryputski
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheDonut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone literally saved my ass by putting this note on some seats on the tram this morning
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ejgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
taking a seat
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__divisions__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you say when someone offers you a seat?

Thanks for your chair-ity

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Dude, just take a seat...
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rorew
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the best wood to make a seat?

Chairy

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oreil087
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Take a Seat.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gcarsk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A sandwich walks in the bar and takes a seat

Bartender says: We don't serve food here.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AgamGamez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Children in the back seat cause accidents,

and accidents in the back seat cause children.

πŸ‘︎ 215
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sebakira
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

There's a warrant out for his arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomd0g
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked...

Then it just clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What seat number on the airplane did Nashville get assigned?

10C

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Seat warmers are not cool
πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehmayormccheese
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.

Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

πŸ‘︎ 820
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TailBullet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm in this new business of producing prayer mats with built in ejector seats...

So far the prophets are soaring.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Purtassium
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Gentlemen- what’s a shortcut to not piss on the seat?

Ctrl+P

πŸ‘︎ 267
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hollywoodsine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, there's an unpaid parking ticket next to you on the front seat

Dad: "Fine by me"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
If paper planes had seats

Would they be 4a or A4?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.

I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place

πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?

Next to a Windu.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I gave my seat to a blind person today

I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokenKingDav10
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.

It’s my car pet.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Star Wars 7PM show last night, a dad behind me was saving four seats with his daughter...

...and every time someone approached him he repeated "these aren't the seats you're looking for."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out to fasten my seat belt,

Then it clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chicken_Strangler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vartha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the wooden car with wooden seat, wooden keys, and a wooden engine?

It wooden start.

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsopoor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Can anyone here donate to an organization making seats?

We’re a Chairity

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Traveling Hawaii by bus and bae took the window seat.

Now I'm having a baeview.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Brightside04
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
It's so hot here in Australia right now that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up...

... just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Two fleas were sitting on a toilet seat

One of them got pissed off.

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecOpsAlpha
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Her: In the future, can you put the toilet seat down?

Me: Now I need to know how to time travel?

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A broken toilet seat makes a shitty toboggan
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do people bother fighting for seats in the Congress?

All they have to do is bring their own chair.

-organically sourced from my dad

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AthenaBird
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Free love seat

Friend: Would anyone like a free love seat?

Me: Just how much free love has happened on the seat, exactly?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sigan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I only give up my seat during tax season.

It's considered a chairitable donation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastaSaurizard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Any new leads on the missing toilet seats?

Not yet, we still have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bumsieboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I found a snake under my toilet seat...

Turns out it was a butt viper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lookenspeeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Me: Can you direct me to a seat, Please

Usher: YEAH

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I remember my dad pulled out the seat i was about to sit on, and i fell hard on my butt. He then said....

"Well, i guess you fell for that"

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AhmadRK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to put down the toilet seat.

So I walked over to it and said, "You stink of urine!"

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I walked into a furniture shop. I said to the assistant, "That leather seat over there...I've been sent in by my wife to buy it for her."

He said, "Ah, I've got one those at home."

I said, "Well, she can't be as bossy as mine."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I was checking in to a flight and the time came to pick a seat

The flight attendant asked "Window or aisle?"

To which I replied "Window or you'll what?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThirteenthBingpot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative, I remembered the car seat, the stroller and the diapar bag and yet all she talks about is how I forgot the baby
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wordyshelf46
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Hostess couldn't quite figure out where to seat us...

Dad: "She's taking us on a wild booth chase!"

Note: He said this through tears of laughter, while literally slapping his own knee.

πŸ‘︎ 944
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joelle18
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
🚨︎ report
I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife was hooking our daughter up in her car seat....

And while I was waiting, I was standing on the front lawn beside the car absent-mindedly swinging a golf club (to test my sore shoulder). Daughter starts freaking out because she thinks I'm not coming. My wife tells her not to worry, Daddy's driving. And I told her "actually, it's a wedge."

πŸ‘︎ 529
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/laughing_pug
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
🚨︎ report
"are these seats free?"

"We usually rent them out but just this once we'll let you off no charge."

Said to us last night when we needed somewhere to sit. :))

πŸ‘︎ 215
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
🚨︎ report
What did John Fogerty say when the flight attendant told him they were overbooked for First Class seats?

"Put me in coach"

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramza_Claus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BwanaPC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 200
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes...

And that's a huge ass connection.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't reserve a seat in library. Turns out they were...

completely booked.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kones_6999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes.

And that's a huge ass connection.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 309
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag, but all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bazander04
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/isthisgood12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked

Then it clicked

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SideOfInsanity
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.

Then it just clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/udrys
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sgav
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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