Whats black and deadly and sits on rooftops

A crow with a machine gun

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I bought my kids Avengers action figures for Christmas so I don’t have to sit and build.

They were already assembled.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you have when you accidentally sit on yogurt?

A messy dairy-error.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowR2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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The senior prank didn’t sit well with the faculty members today. reddit.com/gallery/kd9axw
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jalen_Hurts2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked some clams to help me move but all they wanted to do was sit there and breathe seawater.

I told them they were just being shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.

When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does Elvis like to sit?

a rock-king chair

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinhCan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"

The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altus-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats yellow and sits in the tree

A Prostitute tweetie

What does the Prostitute Tweetie say?

"Cheap Cheap"

Just heard that about 5 mins ago at the Christmas dinner table... from my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bananarang1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's Last Movement

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fastballcount
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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What do you call a number that won't sit still??

A Roamin' Numeral.

(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)

Everyone stay safe and healthy!

πŸ‘︎ 417
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josie4afg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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I just sit here thinking about jokes all day

My wife thinks my hobbies are laughable

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrymmTravel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...

Long time fan, first time poster.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner

Bride: How come you never help with the dinner

Frankenstein: I did

Bride: How?

Frankenstein: I did the mash...

Bride: Don't you dare

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moodsta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do vegans sit in a restaurant?

At the vege-table

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rekt555
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A sunflower walked into a restaurant around noon. The waiter asks "where would you like to sit?"

"by the window," the sunflower responded. "I'm only here for a light meal."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:

"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shromboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother, who’s a cowboy, always sits on the stove when he visits us.

He says that it makes him feel more at home... on the range.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ur-main-man-gabe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat? /r/Jokes/comments/jl5zxl/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timberdoodledan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What time is it when a cow sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Working-Mind
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the meteor sit down comfortably?

Huge asteroids.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Sit down if you're tired
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvolaf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a chicken who sits on top of a building?

A roofster!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't COVID sit at the bar?

Because it's only 19

Credit: Unknown

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phoenix-14
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?

Because they know that you won't stand for it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RippiHunti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.

In other words, bran flakes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmbahcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with one arm and one leg, who sits in front of your door?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-sunnydaze-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of dinosaur doesn't like to sit down?

The Stegosoreass

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dawk_Mage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a gamer sit when they go to church?

In the pew pew.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/she_had_a_name
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Better sit down for this one
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razabeth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do Eskimos get when they sit on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower

And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine

I can't remember which comedian this was

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
sit on flour to collect nectar
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homodemen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are taking a calculus exam, don’t sit between two identical twins.

It’s very difficult to differentiate between them.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!

When she asked why I responded β€œyou’ll get salmon-Ella!”

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P1nealColada
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does an Irishman sit outside?

On Paddy O’Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muddubooboo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.

Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything.

Me : This isn't a chair.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s brown and sits on a piano?

Beethoven’s last movement.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumophone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when an elephant sits on the fence?

A new fence

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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