A crow with a machine gun
They were already assembled.
A messy dairy-error.
I told them they were just being shellfish.
When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
A Prostitute tweetie
What does the Prostitute Tweetie say?
"Cheap Cheap"
Just heard that about 5 mins ago at the Christmas dinner table... from my dad.
Beethoven's Last Movement
A Roamin' Numeral.
(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)
Everyone stay safe and healthy!
My wife thinks my hobbies are laughable
Long time fan, first time poster.
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.
"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."
At the vege-table
"by the window," the sunflower responded. "I'm only here for a light meal."
"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh
He says that it makes him feel more at home... on the range.
A pat on the head
That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.
You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.
Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..
And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, “If you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”
Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.
Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.
And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!
And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..
“I toad you so.”
Time to get a new fence
Huge asteroids.
Because communication is key
A roofster!
Because it's only 19
Credit: Unknown
Because they know that you won't stand for it.
In other words, bran flakes.
Matt
The Stegosoreass
In the pew pew.
Polaroids.
And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine
I can't remember which comedian this was
It’s very difficult to differentiate between them.
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
On Paddy O’Furniture
Its a sitcom now
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything.
Me : This isn't a chair.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
Beethoven’s last movement.
A new fence
