What time is it when a cow sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Working-Mind
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Sit down if you're tired
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tvolaf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
What kind of dinosaur doesn't like to sit down?

The Stegosoreass

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dawk_Mage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
What do Eskimos get when they sit on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
If You Sit on a Throne, It Doesn't Make You a King...

...It Means That you Have an Arse

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BygCat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower

And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine

I can't remember which comedian this was

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with one arm and one leg, who sits in front of your door?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-sunnydaze-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
If you are taking a calculus exam, don’t sit between two identical twins.

It’s very difficult to differentiate between them.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
Where does an Irishman sit outside?

On Paddy O’Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/muddubooboo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
Where did the steer sit after a long day of work?

The cowch.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!

When she asked why I responded β€œyou’ll get salmon-Ella!”

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/P1nealColada
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
sit on flour to collect nectar
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/homodemen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
If you're having trouble connecting your bluetooth device, just dress in green, sit on a perch and repeat everything that tech support tells you.

It's the only way to parrot.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
My friend sits around all day dreaming of making bread.

He's emotionally kneady.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
I was feeling a little depressed, and then I saw a clown doing sit-ups across the street.

Funny how things work out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you sit on a toilet?

A moon landing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Animepix
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
This guy I know is paid to sit in an elevator and tell jokes all day.

I gotta say, his sense of humor has gotten higher these days.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.

Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything.

Me : This isn't a chair.

πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...

"Oh, it's the peanuts.

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elawn
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
My husband he told me he wanted to work at the casino, as a greeter. So he could sit at the door and say...

β€œHey, how are ya?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redrooskadooo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
What kind of dinosaur couldn't sit down?

A mega-sore-ass

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
There is a very common and seamingly innocuous plant. But if you sit under it for 5 minutes, you’re dead.

A water lily

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBully74
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
What time is it when an elephant sits on your clock?

β€œTime to get a new clock?”

β€œNo; elephant thirty.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C0ntrol_Group
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
Don’t sit near Mustard...

He has the worst gas.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AngusB3ll3
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
Sir, why did you choose to sit at the bar?

Because I have table reservations.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
Better sit down for this one
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Razabeth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A man sits next to another man on the train

He pulls out a photo of his wife, shows it to the other man and says β€œisn’t she beautiful?”.

Other man: β€œIf you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

First man: β€œWhy? Is she a stunner?”

Other man: β€œNo, she’s an ophthalmologist”

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
I respect the people who are able to sit and stay at home during these times.

They are my idles.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
During the pledge of allegiance I sit after β€œto the republic”

I just want you to know I understand

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sized
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins…

It was very civil engineering…

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that's comfortable to sit and relax on?

A Cowch

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
Cicadas sit in trees all day and scream.

But when I do it I’m β€œdisturbing the peace” and β€œunder arrest”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kshovhan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
Where is the cleanest place to sit?

The bleachers!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
Dad:”back when I had to do wall-sits in school..”

β€œI had enough and told my gym teacher I couldn’t stand doing them

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
Where are people who sit down in the shower at in life?

A low point.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hmanrulz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
My dad lost his legs in the war and he sits on a wheelchair.

He gets off on lame jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blurose262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s last movement

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NouEngland
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...

β€œI guess it’s probably the wrong time.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devin23b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
Why do birds sit on their eggs?

Because they don’t have chairs

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/agaconn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
My grandma used to sit on golden powder

Old butt gold

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodStrau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Why do babysitters sit on babies?
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GroovyExeggutor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes.

And that's a huge ass connection

πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fried_Cheesee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What is Irish and sits in the back yard?

Patty O'Furniture..

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lavacadotoast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
This evening, everyone remember to relax and sit in front of the TV

Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaff800
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?

Dad: Down.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says β€œWhat music do you listen to?”

The turbine says β€œI’m a massive heavy metal fan”

πŸ‘︎ 337
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Richie31213
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Saying the wealthy sit in their ivory towers is really just saying that the rich like Tuskeny-inspired architecture
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ilfiliri
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What does an Eskimo get if he sits on the ice for too long? …

... Polaroid’s

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought I could sit in front of a computer for as long as I wanted

But that's not the case.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamadler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad Sits on top of an old TV

Me: what are you doing dad?

Dad: LOOK SON! IM ON TV!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Youshould_know
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When writing an essay, make sure to 'sit' your sources...

...or you'll get charged with pla-chair-ism

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vince_ebooks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
If you want, I can draw you, but you’ll have to sit still.

I asked my 5 year old daughter to sit on a bench β€œso I could draw you.” She was not impressed with my drawing, after a nearly 5 minute wait. https://imgur.com/a/IMOR4q5

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/destin325
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad likes to sit in his front yard chasing kids off his property...

...Like some Lawn Enforcement Officer.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toberoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...

When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather

"vee haf vays of making you tock!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s purple and sits on the western edge of Europe?

Grape Britain.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?

They have no hands to knock on the door.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife had to sit through a presentation on galvanized steel

Wife: I got a free lunch today for watching a presentation on galvanized steel

Me: I hope they talk about joining a bunch of steel sheets together. That would be riviting.

Wife: I hate you

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tracebusta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.

"Notable" I said.

πŸ‘︎ 130
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/no_aglets
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
"Hey I'm not paying you to sit around and do nothing" "Dad, you're not paying me at all"

"That's what I just said. I'm not paying you now get back to work"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WolvenGhost
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the sit-in at the polling place?

The police told them to get up, vote and leave.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Waitress: Do you have a preference on where you want to sit?

Dad: Down..

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I like to sit holding my knees to my chest.

It’s how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do crows sit on electric wires? - To make long distance caws.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timetraveller1992
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A termite walks into a bar. He sits down and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electric_leper
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...

I can’t count on anyone

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at a meeting, standing, when someone offered me a place to sit. I politely declined and said

"I don't accept charity."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theinfinitejaguar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken sit on it’s eggs?

Because chickens don’t have chairs!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/its__cb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.

His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."

And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".

The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thepattato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A. A pat on the head.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maryfountain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the lumberjack sit on his ax?

He wanted to hatchet.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/artistsdrawcrowds
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Q:What's Irish and sits by the pool

A: Patio Furniture! (Paddy O'Furniture).

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tableshade12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is working so I can just sit here.

Sofa so good.

(I’m about to be a dad so I’m practicing my dad material)

πŸ‘︎ 760
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m getting a little tired of my wife complaining that I sit around all day.

I’m not going to stand for it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’re cold, go sit in the corner.

It’s 90 degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Static_Gobby
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Growing up, my brothers and I weren't allowed to sit in the front of the car

We were the back seat boys

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chakasicle
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes...

And that's a huge ass connection.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?

Dad: Down.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?

They have no hands to knock on the door.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?

Dad: Down.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes.

And that's a huge ass connection.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christianleft
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report

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