A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.

"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."

"Dad you don't mean-"

"Yes son ,i do" Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition

"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.

"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".

πŸ‘︎ 429
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Setsunai___
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Where does a catcher sit down to eat dinner?

Behind the plate.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameOfaFeller
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.

After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"

Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarfbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..

All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasMirth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Let’s sit down and....
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A politician walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter walks over and asks for the order.

The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."

"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."

"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner

Bride: How come you never help with the dinner

Frankenstein: I did

Bride: How?

Frankenstein: I did the mash...

Bride: Don't you dare

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moodsta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Better sit down for this one
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razabeth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:

"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shromboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Sit down if you're tired
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvolaf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat? /r/Jokes/comments/jl5zxl/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timberdoodledan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?

Because they know that you won't stand for it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RippiHunti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the meteor sit down comfortably?

Huge asteroids.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of dinosaur doesn't like to sit down?

The Stegosoreass

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dawk_Mage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.

In other words, bran flakes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmbahcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!

When she asked why I responded β€œyou’ll get salmon-Ella!”

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P1nealColada
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower

And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine

I can't remember which comedian this was

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muddubooboo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...

"Oh, it's the peanuts.

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elawn
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blurose262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins…

It was very civil engineering…

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Where are people who sit down in the shower at in life?

A low point.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hmanrulz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.

"Notable" I said.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/no_aglets
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...

β€œI guess it’s probably the wrong time.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devin23b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A termite walks into a bar. He sits down and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electric_leper
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.

The bartender says, β€œwhat do you think this is, a granola bar? β€œ.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, β€œdo u mind if I say a word?” she responds, β€œNot at all, please do.” the man stands up and says β€œplethora” and sits back down.

β€œThanks,” said the woman, β€œthat means a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turboboob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her

"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASpellingAirror
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, "Newton, I've found you!"

Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeifEriccson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
A couple sits down at a restaurant and the waiter brings them a basket of bread

The guy asks the waiter "Excuse me, is this gluten free?"

The waiter responds "Well it's complimentary as long as you order an entree"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irlingStarcher
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Sit down, my ass!
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/literallyliquid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
🚨︎ report
My son's birthday is today, we were a about to sit down to breakfast

Me: You already eight right?

Son: No, I haven't

Me: So then you're still seven?

Son: ...

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Illiniath
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
🚨︎ report
In what African country is it impossible to sit down for a restaurant meal?

Togo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Guy sits down in an exam room with a carrot sticking out of his ear...

The doctor says, "Well, first of all you're not eating right."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nosindra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
🚨︎ report
A man sits down at a restraunt

The waiter walks over and gives him a glass of water.

The man, being dreadfully thirsty, drinks it all in one gulp. He them calls out to the waiter for another

"Excuse me for the trouble, but I'm terribly thirsty. Could I have another glass of water?"

The waiter returns and refills his glass. He turns away to serve another table, when a small cough comes from behind him.

"I'm so awfully sorry, but could I get another refill?"

The waiter of course obliges, and turns to wait the next table, when the same thing happens again.

Frustrated by the man, the waiter walks up and tells him

"Take a pitcher, it will last longer."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Continuum_Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
🚨︎ report
My friend, his Father and I were about to sit down to eat some pasta when he asked "forks all round?"

To which I replied "No, they're the pointy ones."

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weavin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
🚨︎ report
When guys miss the toilet bowl and I sit down in it...

It really pisses me off!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heinst
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"

"We wouldn't want your water to break."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikestorm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
🚨︎ report
What kind of dinosaur couldn't sit down?

A mega-sore-ass

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christianleft
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.

His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."

And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".

The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TalHawkens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
🚨︎ report

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