A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.
"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do"
Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
Where does a catcher sit down to eat dinner?
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..
All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!
A politician walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter walks over and asks for the order.
The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."
"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."
"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:
"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.
"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."
Better sit down for this one
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:
"Put the horses in the back."
I hate the song but it made me laugh
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly
Because communication is key
Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?
Because they know that you won't stand for it.
Why couldn't the meteor sit down comfortably?
What kind of dinosaur doesn't like to sit down?
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.
In other words, bran flakes.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower
And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine
I can't remember which comedian this was
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?
massachusetts.
It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?
I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins…
It was very civil engineering…
Where are people who sit down in the shower at in life?
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
A termite walks into a bar. He sits down and asks...
"Is the bar tender here?"
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, “do u mind if I say a word?” she responds, “Not at all, please do.” the man stands up and says “plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her
"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.
So that both of us are in A la mode.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, "Newton, I've found you!"
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A couple sits down at a restaurant and the waiter brings them a basket of bread
The guy asks the waiter "Excuse me, is this gluten free?"
The waiter responds "Well it's complimentary as long as you order an entree"
My son's birthday is today, we were a about to sit down to breakfast
Me: You already eight right?
Son: No, I haven't
Me: So then you're still seven?
Son: ...
In what African country is it impossible to sit down for a restaurant meal?
Guy sits down in an exam room with a carrot sticking out of his ear...
The doctor says, "Well, first of all you're not eating right."
A man sits down at a restraunt
The waiter walks over and gives him a glass of water.
The man, being dreadfully thirsty, drinks it all in one gulp. He them calls out to the waiter for another
"Excuse me for the trouble, but I'm terribly thirsty. Could I have another glass of water?"
The waiter returns and refills his glass. He turns away to serve another table, when a small cough comes from behind him.
"I'm so awfully sorry, but could I get another refill?"
The waiter of course obliges, and turns to wait the next table, when the same thing happens again.
Frustrated by the man, the waiter walks up and tells him
"Take a pitcher, it will last longer."
My friend, his Father and I were about to sit down to eat some pasta when he asked "forks all round?"
To which I replied "No, they're the pointy ones."
When guys miss the toilet bowl and I sit down in it...
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
What kind of dinosaur couldn't sit down?
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?
massachusetts.
It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
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