A couch potato
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1WKSoul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17
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he's sleeping on the couch
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awildnyx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
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Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostwriter623
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
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Couch potato
πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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Just got a new couch...

Sofa, so good

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
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Why do drummers make terrible couch salespeople?

They charge per cushion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30
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The Angel of Death was asked if he was worried that his uncomfortable couch would cause problems.

He said he was sure there were no Reaper cushions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
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I've lost 20% of my couch...

Ouch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charliekennedy59
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch

I got tele-vision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybercharlatan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
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What happens when you make love on a couch?

It becomes a sectional.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HikerSethT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
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What did the couch say when it lost 20% of its body?

Ouch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darraghq16
πŸ“…︎ May 31
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I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...

never get old."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ May 23
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Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice

The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrightenedOstrich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.

Boy, was my face red!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
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What did the baked couch potato do when the game console locked up?

He pressed the russet button, of course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/centstwo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
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I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Couch for sale. Fit for a caesar.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LumpiestEntree
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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My son is lazy, sitting on the couch all damn day...

I told him he should try out for American Idle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
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Couch Potato
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N3rdwhal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their name?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
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Nothing like relaxing on the couch with a nice mer-loaf imgur.com/dhhpBGM
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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I wasn’t too sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
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Why are there broken condoms on the couch, honey?

Stop calling your kids that.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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What do you call a couch potato sitting in a recliner?

A vege***chair***ian

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stickmanofdoom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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What did a couch said to another couch after it won a marathon?

,,Wow, i didn't knew you can run sofa"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tarka_d0_sera
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squagoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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What does a couch say to another couch at the other side od the room?

We are sofa apart!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_i_k_i
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight...

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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Dad: *Rubs couch* "Is this satin?"

Mom: "It's clearly not."

Dad: Sits down "It is now!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lWoooooOl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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What do you call the children of couch potatoes?

Tater tots!

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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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My toddler sprinkled pepper all over the couch.

It's seasoned leather.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotfoffeemomma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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What do you call a gay couch?

A homosectional

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FineganE
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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I stubbed my toe against the couch.

Couch!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicberry
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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A Casting Couch
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sykes92
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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Recently bought a couch company

Sofa I’ve been getting very few customers. It’ll be good if I get some soon. That would help cushion the blow when I tell my wife where the money went. Anyways, I better find a way to fix this. The chairholders aren’t too happy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FactoryBuilder
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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I recently DM'd a woman a picture of a couch. Then a dresser. Then a mattress. When she asked what I was doing, I said:

Just moving into your DMs.

This is for you single dads. My friend tells me it works every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barelyonhere
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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2018 was not a good year for me. I spent half of the year on the couch with the flu.

You could say I was ill for a full sicks months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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One night, a beekeeper was chilling on his couch with some booze.

"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.

His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.

"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"

The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrayCon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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TIL: During the American Revolution, George III didn’t even bother to leave the couch.

He was sofa king comfortable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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I spend all my Sunday mornings sitting on my couch and watching F1, which drives my wife crazy.

She says, β€œWhy are you staring at your keyboard for hours?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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What did the hippie say when I told him to get off my couch?

Namaste

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bike619
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes

that way I always start the new year off on the right foot

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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My 9yo daughter was lying on the couch cuddling with our new kitten. β€œIt’s time for bed,” I said.

β€œI don’t want to get up,” she replied. β€œWill you carry me?

β€œNo,” I replied. β€œGet up and go to bed.”

β€œBut I’m too tired. Carry Me?”

β€œNo! You’re like 90 pounds now. You’re too heavy.” I said.

β€œWell then, pretend I’m the kitten,” she said and grinned.

So I picked up the squirt bottle and sprayed her in the face.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/webdisaster
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
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"F*** your couch!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VisualCamouflage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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After my memory loss, I couldn't remember the other word for 'couch'.

I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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Yes, I AM willing to stand in a long line for a free couch...

Sofa Queue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balddudesrock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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I bought a tv the other day. Then I had to buy a couch.

So I could figure out where to place the tv.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Every year during the New Year's count down, I stand up from the couch and lift my left leg...

I want to be sure I start the new year off on the right foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanCFL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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Need a couch? Have you tried Sofa Kings?

Their prices are Sofa King cheap!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mccreece
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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My wife and I were starting to make out on the couch, when our cat scratched me.

My wife said she was protecting her. I said "no, you just can't have two women in a room without one of them getting catty."

She left the room, came back, told me that was a terrible joke, and left again. I was very pleased with myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dscott06
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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I couldn't watch the TV while sitting on a couch

cause it was sofa away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13434O
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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My brother and I were carrying a couch downstairs...

My dad while carrying a lamp: "Looks like I got the light load"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackKelly11
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
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I was laying on the couch, and asked my wife...

"can you hand me my water, it's clear over there (pointing to my water glass on kitchen counter). My wife responded "I'll get it for you, but it'll be clear over there too."

Unfortunaly I was very confused when she started to laugh her ass off, then it hit me and we both had a good long laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/echis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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I was making out on the couch with my wife the other day when she looked at me sexy and said "Let's take this upstairs"

I got up and told her "I'll get this end. You take the other one"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatphotoguy89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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Bought my dad a new couch and he totally loves it.

Sofa so good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
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Couch potato
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reeegen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2015
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The TV really liked this couch a lot. It said..

I’ll put a potato on you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inno7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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My dad and I were watching basketball the other day when his dog (Sophie) hopped up onto the couch beside him. He turned to her and said, "Who are you rooting for Sophie? The underDOG??!!!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lissylou22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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When furniture shopping, I insisted that we buy a couch and lounge chair separately. We can’t risk getting...

sectionally transmitted diseases!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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Why couldn't dad reach the couch ?

Because its sofa.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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While sitting on the couch with my wife and four year old...

My four year old daughter was sitting between my wife and I. While we held out our hands she touched each of our fingers saying 1, 2, 3... counting each one. I looked at my wife and said "We've got people that count on us".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/botblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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Banished to the couch for having soul

As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.

She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.

After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".

She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".

Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".

So yeah, sleeping on the couch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azuya
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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What do you call the children of a couch potato?

Tater Tots

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
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My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch for the night

Now he's paying me for the hole in the wall

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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Netflix just stopped playing when my dogs got on the couch.

They pawsed it.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
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if you got a couch with your gay lover

would it be a homosectional

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alycat0602
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Sitting on the couch next to my dad

Me: moving phone around in pocket cause it doesn't feel right

Dad: What are you doin down there?

Me: I'm moving my phone cause it's uncomfortable.

Dad: How do you know? Did you ask it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriarTux
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
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How'd the couch swallow his medicine?

With a cold sofa.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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My dad said there was a pull out couch in our hotel room

He then pulled the couch into the middle of the room

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karatekidkaf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
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I handed my daughter money for her allowance as she was sitting on the couch. I said, "Do you know what just happened?" ...

"I just cashed you inside, how bow dah?"

<She was not impressed with my meme knowledge.>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalprof
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
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I was going to buy a couch from this one guy...

But I went with the ottoman instead

Edit: this one is better spoken than written. Preferably while furniture shopping.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
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I came home to see my 2 year old Tabby had destroyed my favorite couch.

All I could think was, "You've cat to be kitten me right meow." I'm torn on how I feel about her... I wish I could retract what she did but there's no point getting clawed up in the negative emotions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chucos007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2013
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I was worried about how I'd score in the "Don't Leave Your Couch For A Month" competition

But I got atrophy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaryDan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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Sitting on the couch and...

Gfs little brother runs up to me with a potato peeler and yells "couch potato!"

Nice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inflictedkfcman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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Why shouldn't you sit on deaths couch?

Because of the reaper cushions

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyrotechnicist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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My dad was supposed to be at the gym, but I found him on the couch watching TV.

He said he was "Extra-sizing".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catatafish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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Got my GF while I was moving a couch.

Me and a buddy are moving a couch into our smaller bedroom, then I smashed my arm into the door frame.

Me: "Damn, I just smacked my arm into the door."

GF: "That's what happens when you are moving a couch."

Me: "Well, it's a wrist i'm willing to take."

Her eyes rolled so hard that I could hear them from the other room. I keep telling her that I'm a dad and this is what to expect out of me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chubgamer442
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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I wake up in the morning, then proceed to lay down on the couch

Dad: At least you didn't go to the refrigerator to get a hotdog. Then you would have gone from bed to wurst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChAnKoEr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
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I was sitting on the couch patting my baby on the butt

I said to my wife: "Look, I'm patting her on the butt.

My wife says: "You're like General Patton!"

Me: "Or Patton Oswald!"

Wife: "I was going to say Patton Oswald, but..."

Me: "You were looking for a more General term?"

Wife: "You're really dumb."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadSmash4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
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Whenever he would see me doing nothing on the couch

β€” Hey, I saw a picture of you today !

β€” Really, where ?

β€” In the dictionary, next to the "lazy".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alvy-singer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2013
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Dad just asked if I liked to fish, thens pulls a pole out from behind like couch and says he likes cat fishing
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NackolaS13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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My in-laws brought us a used couch from out of state

They were gonna use a trailer but their hitch set-up didn't have the right electronics for the trailer lights. They ended up just bringing the couch in the bed of a friend's truck. When they arrived I got my father-in-law with, "Too bad the trailer rental didn't work out, but at least you pulled it off without a hitch." He gave me a groan and pity chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paul_Cinnabunyan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
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Buddy has a new couch.

My buddy asked me if I liked it so far.

Sofa so good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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My dad had to sleep on the pull-out couch.

I thought it might be uncomfortable but he didn't think so.

"Sofa, so good."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonofabutch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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They Stared at me from the Couch, Refusing to Acknowledge What I had Done

We were ordering chinese food and deciding on what to get.

My dad: Pick a chinese dish you'd like to eat for tonight.

Me: I'd rather not honestly, they're so hard and porcelain. I don't think I'd like to eat a chinese dish tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReadShift
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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Couch Potato

I was with my dad, and he started to fall asleep on the couch. I woke him up and told him that he was becoming a couch potato. He asks me what that is. I explain that it was someone who laid on the couch all day.

He responded with, "Yeah I'm not that, I'm a bed potato."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/New_World_Era
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
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I just lost 20% of my couch

Ouch

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
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I just lost 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight...

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
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