We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
I painted my couch so you don't see it

Nobody has noticed sofa.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeamSlime2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A couch potato
πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1WKSoul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you absolutely NEVER name a couch store?

Sofa Kingdom

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
he's sleeping on the couch
πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awildnyx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostwriter623
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Hitler name his couch?

Mein Komfortable

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/morningshawa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, β€œyour not even listening to me.”

I thought that’s a very weird way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrimLegend5331
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arunie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Couch potato
πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a nut that fell out of your bowl and rolled under the couch?

AWOL nut.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihmen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got a new couch...

Sofa, so good

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I've lost 20% of my couch...

Ouch.

πŸ‘︎ 100
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/charliekennedy59
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do drummers make terrible couch salespeople?

They charge per cushion.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you make love on a couch?

It becomes a sectional.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HikerSethT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the couch say when it lost 20% of its body?

Ouch

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darraghq16
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch

I got tele-vision

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cybercharlatan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice

The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrightenedOstrich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Couch for sale. Fit for a caesar.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LumpiestEntree
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...

never get old."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.

Boy, was my face red!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Couch Potato
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/N3rdwhal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the baked couch potato do when the game console locked up?

He pressed the russet button, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/centstwo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Nothing like relaxing on the couch with a nice mer-loaf imgur.com/dhhpBGM
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their name?

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are there broken condoms on the couch, honey?

Stop calling your kids that.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/squagoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight...

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad: *Rubs couch* "Is this satin?"

Mom: "It's clearly not."

Dad: Sits down "It is now!"

πŸ‘︎ 296
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lWoooooOl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a couch potato sitting in a recliner?

A vege***chair***ian

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stickmanofdoom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the children of couch potatoes?

Tater tots!

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side od the room?

We are sofa apart!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/v_i_k_i
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a gay couch?

A homosectional

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FineganE
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A Casting Couch
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sykes92
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My toddler sprinkled pepper all over the couch.

It's seasoned leather.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotfoffeemomma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Recently bought a couch company

Sofa I’ve been getting very few customers. It’ll be good if I get some soon. That would help cushion the blow when I tell my wife where the money went. Anyways, I better find a way to fix this. The chairholders aren’t too happy

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FactoryBuilder
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I just lost 20% of my couch

Ouch

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t too sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight...

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 998
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I just lost 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.