After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.
They charge per cushion.
He said he was sure there were no Reaper cushions.
I got tele-vision
It becomes a sectional.
never get old."
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
Boy, was my face red!
He pressed the russet button, of course.
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
I told him he should try out for American Idle
Wife: Would you please call our children by their name?
But sofa so good.
Stop calling your kids that.
,,Wow, i didn't knew you can run sofa"
We are sofa apart!
I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.
Mom: "It's clearly not."
Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
It's seasoned leather.
Sofa I’ve been getting very few customers. It’ll be good if I get some soon. That would help cushion the blow when I tell my wife where the money went. Anyways, I better find a way to fix this. The chairholders aren’t too happy
Just moving into your DMs.
This is for you single dads. My friend tells me it works every time.
You could say I was ill for a full sicks months.
"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.
His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.
"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"
The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."
He was sofa king comfortable.
She says, “Why are you staring at your keyboard for hours?”
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
“I don’t want to get up,” she replied. “Will you carry me?
“No,” I replied. “Get up and go to bed.”
“But I’m too tired. Carry Me?”
“No! You’re like 90 pounds now. You’re too heavy.” I said.
“Well then, pretend I’m the kitten,” she said and grinned.
So I picked up the squirt bottle and sprayed her in the face.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
So I could figure out where to place the tv.
I want to be sure I start the new year off on the right foot.
Their prices are Sofa King cheap!
My wife said she was protecting her. I said "no, you just can't have two women in a room without one of them getting catty."
She left the room, came back, told me that was a terrible joke, and left again. I was very pleased with myself.
cause it was sofa away
My dad while carrying a lamp: "Looks like I got the light load"
"can you hand me my water, it's clear over there (pointing to my water glass on kitchen counter). My wife responded "I'll get it for you, but it'll be clear over there too."
Unfortunaly I was very confused when she started to laugh her ass off, then it hit me and we both had a good long laugh.
I got up and told her "I'll get this end. You take the other one"
Sofa so good.
I’ll put a potato on you
sectionally transmitted diseases!
Because its sofa.
My four year old daughter was sitting between my wife and I. While we held out our hands she touched each of our fingers saying 1, 2, 3... counting each one. I looked at my wife and said "We've got people that count on us".
As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.
She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.
After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".
She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".
Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".
So yeah, sleeping on the couch.
Now he's paying me for the hole in the wall
They pawsed it.
would it be a homosectional
Me: moving phone around in pocket cause it doesn't feel right
Dad: What are you doin down there?
Me: I'm moving my phone cause it's uncomfortable.
Dad: How do you know? Did you ask it?
With a cold sofa.
He then pulled the couch into the middle of the room
"I just cashed you inside, how bow dah?"
<She was not impressed with my meme knowledge.>
But I went with the ottoman instead
Edit: this one is better spoken than written. Preferably while furniture shopping.
All I could think was, "You've cat to be kitten me right meow." I'm torn on how I feel about her... I wish I could retract what she did but there's no point getting clawed up in the negative emotions.
But I got atrophy
Gfs little brother runs up to me with a potato peeler and yells "couch potato!"
Because of the reaper cushions
He said he was "Extra-sizing".
Me and a buddy are moving a couch into our smaller bedroom, then I smashed my arm into the door frame.
Me: "Damn, I just smacked my arm into the door."
GF: "That's what happens when you are moving a couch."
Me: "Well, it's a wrist i'm willing to take."
Her eyes rolled so hard that I could hear them from the other room. I keep telling her that I'm a dad and this is what to expect out of me.
Dad: At least you didn't go to the refrigerator to get a hotdog. Then you would have gone from bed to wurst.
I said to my wife: "Look, I'm patting her on the butt.
My wife says: "You're like General Patton!"
Me: "Or Patton Oswald!"
Wife: "I was going to say Patton Oswald, but..."
Me: "You were looking for a more General term?"
Wife: "You're really dumb."
— Hey, I saw a picture of you today !
— Really, where ?
— In the dictionary, next to the "lazy".
They were gonna use a trailer but their hitch set-up didn't have the right electronics for the trailer lights. They ended up just bringing the couch in the bed of a friend's truck. When they arrived I got my father-in-law with, "Too bad the trailer rental didn't work out, but at least you pulled it off without a hitch." He gave me a groan and pity chuckle.
My buddy asked me if I liked it so far.
Sofa so good.
I thought it might be uncomfortable but he didn't think so.
"Sofa, so good."
We were ordering chinese food and deciding on what to get.
My dad: Pick a chinese dish you'd like to eat for tonight.
Me: I'd rather not honestly, they're so hard and porcelain. I don't think I'd like to eat a chinese dish tonight.
I was with my dad, and he started to fall asleep on the couch. I woke him up and told him that he was becoming a couch potato. He asks me what that is. I explain that it was someone who laid on the couch all day.
He responded with, "Yeah I'm not that, I'm a bed potato."
But sofa so good.
But sofa so good.