I hope this is not a bed pun
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kurisucx
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add Spring Water.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LiveNatty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 426
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom

That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FattySuperCute
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
My daughter refused to go to bed on time.

I told her she’d be booked for resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ROLO_V13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
What did the blanket said when it fell of the bed?

"Oh sheet"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Benzi13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
I recently found my wife in bed with a gherkin

She’s in a bit of a pickle

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Krishinanni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed

I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.

πŸ‘︎ 437
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LuitenantElo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...

...we’ve drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 799
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...

...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ih8YourCat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.

I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
Tho my son was going to start a petition to ban them, he slept on his specially built bed...

It was a boycot.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
What size of bed did Freddie Mercury sleep in?

Queen

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moralTortilla
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?

My Korea is over

πŸ‘︎ 318
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fredvanvleetsr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
I don't mind breakfast in bed

...but I prefer it in a bowl.

πŸ‘︎ 263
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paradeqia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
I've been searching for my stolen bed

and I won't rest until I find it.

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.

Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?

AntiHistoryMemes

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
As it turns out, my bed sheet was really just a pillowcase.

It's such a sham.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manateesloveyou
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
why do people go to bed?

because the bed doesn’t come to you.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepcow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
What do pirates say in bed?

H’Yar-der

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/S4DBUNN13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
My wife was feeling frisky in bed and asked if she could defile me

To which I replied: But what if I like being filed?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kylea12345
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whitlow14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!

Turns out it was a total sham

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru_in_flannel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07
🚨︎ report
What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed?

"I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/waddysno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.

My dreams have never been clearer.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whoisapotato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I'm a cop

I go under cover.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/borna761
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
What do you call an insect who’s good in bed?

A slaying mantis

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ColaNaught
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
My bed used to be on the floor but I recently bought a bed frame

I can honestly say the quality of my sleep is slightly above where it used to be

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XxTURDxTACOxX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.

Him: second best?

Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Litpunk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the dad joke about the bed?

It hasn't been made yet.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?

Use, spring water.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?

Your head hits the ceiling!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 257
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

OH SHEET

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ardior
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...

WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do ghosts avoid Bed Bath and Beyond after eating Taco Bell?

They don’t want to get the sheets!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1derin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
I switched out my bed for a trampoline

Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
Your mother's been turned into a bed.

You put her out of her misery and commit matresscide.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Moonyasnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
What did the lawyer say when he put is suitcase to bed?

I rest my case

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryCoolPerson1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
I just bought a bed that was advertised as making you fall asleep in under 5 minutes. It didn't work.

I guess it's a bunk bed.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JEJoll
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
My friend walked upstairs, stepped on a banana peel, and fell on his bed

He went to slip

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cubelith
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?

They were an undercover cop.

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jillyjoyohoho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
My Girlfriend went to bed not realizing what she said

She goes omg it's 1:30 already. I said no honey it's only 11:30. She said, well I missed that one...I bursted in while she was on the toilet to explain it's genus.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mind967
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MRyeti18
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
What kind of bed time stories does the big bad wolf tell his kids?

Hairy Tails!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaphpath
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
A man makes fresh coffee and takes it to his wife in bed....

She drinks it and goes: β€œUgh, this tastes like dirt.”

He responds: β€œWell, honey, it was just ground.”

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/errorFohOhFoh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
What do young latina women that are dating Snoop Dogg call him in bed?

Puppy

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arekless97
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I bought a discount bed sheet off of Facebook.

Turned out to be a sham...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grimstache
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
What kind of joke did the German dad tell his kid before bed

A nacht nacht joke

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RHS_Aidan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Police caught me stashing drugs under the bed

I’m now being put under a rest

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoAteMyBananana
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
A guy I knew asked me how he could do better in bed.

I told him to try harder.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bioredemption574
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
I wanted to try a different method when putting sheets on my bed

But I just made it up as I went along.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
I had an employee at the hotel that ironed the bed sheets. I noticed that as the days wore on, the number of sheets ironed was going down.

Her job performance was de-creasing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man where his glasses to bed?

To see his dreams more clearly!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtehstampede
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
I’m ready to bring my injectable coronavirus cleansers and gamma-ray beds to market

This is going to make a killing

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kjpunch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
What did Mick Jagger say when he found Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver?

'Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, get off of McCloud"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?

To measure how long they sleep!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.

Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
Her: "I'm thinking about a garden. Like, raised bed."

Me: "Who's Ray?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "And how do you know what his bed is like??"

Her: "Oh my god, shut up."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Frasier_n_Chill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the broom want to get out of bed

He was sweepy

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.

Don't they carry essential oils?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
When you get a bigger bed
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pegacornian
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the FBI agent go to bed?

He needed to be undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuriousKillerPro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?

They're getting married in the spring!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/omg123456789
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
When I have kids, I will punish them by making them mix melted butter and flour until I send them to bed.

They will roux the day that they anger me.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quantum13_6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
Bed Rock
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thumbs0fDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
What did the carrot say when his wife caught him in bed with a cucumber?

Seems I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaw-Deez
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
Once I was in a band called teenage bed

We never made it.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DimitkoRD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
My water bed was really uncomfortable,

Then I realized it was full of hard water.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stonearchangel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:

β€œYou finally found it, my secret stache”

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jacaboi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
If a child is refusing to take their nap or go to bed... can I call the cops on them?

Technically they are resisting a rest!

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilWebMistress
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...

... it’s ok but, we recovered.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
If my child won't go to bed, I'll have him put in jail.

For resisting A Rest

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alunde05ps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:

"Where the fuck is my roof?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasAllenSimms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
Why are small dried up river beds so cool?

Because they are ex-stream!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jovial_finn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
Why did the bicycle go to bed?

It was two-tired.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhench78
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wumble27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I stayed at a hotel last night and came home with bed bugs!

I mite stay there again.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?

Because he wouldn't beehive.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cfager123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who shares a bed with a beggar?

A begbud.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LifeIsMarvellous
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine said he was having sex with his girlfriend and then the cat jumped on their bed and started licking his butt

I said to the friend: "you're lucky he didn't get a prize for it, that would have been a catasstrophy"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aereau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
It's good to have bed manners
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I can make a bed from both sides...

.... Because I am bed dextrous.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Madlutian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
My wife found out last night that I had swapped our double bed for a 14 foot round trampoline...

First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
Why is the bicycle in bed?

It was two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Da_MeMe_KING_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hooligan_86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do in bed?

He goes undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/can_i_get_likes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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