I hope this is not a bed pun
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
If a child refuses to go to bed...
Are they guilty of resisting a rest.
What do you call a policeman in bed?
My wife just found out I replaced her water bed with a trampoline.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
What does jeff bezos do before bed?
What do you call a person with epilepsy laying on a bed of lettuce?
I'm going to print a document to help cure bed-wetting.
I stopped eating on my bed
Everything started tasting like sheet.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning
I had to call a toe truck
My wife had just put expensive new silk bedding on the bed...
... along with a cashmere blanket. It seemed odd, but on top of all of that she put a cheap thin sheet woven from flax fibers. I was standing by the dresser and accidentally bumped a hot pot of Earl Grey, spilling it all over the bed. My wife told me not to worry. Amazingly, despite the amount that I had spilled, none of it got onto the fancy blanket or bedding. I was completely befuddled, so she explained, "Brewed tea is only linen deep."
What do wetting your bed and a receipt have in common?
They both have a silent pee.
I bought my daughter a Dorito bed. After many hours of assembly I told her she was free to lay in it.
I just bought a cheap traveler bed and breakfast.
A hotel just offered me a job making beds...
I think I'll turn them down.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
(Courtesy of my 6 year old.)
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
Want to make your water bed bouncier.....
What do you call it when a marketing genius is comfortable in bed?
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
Wife: "What's this soccer ball doing in the flower bed?"
Me: "It's just looking round"
What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Friend: “You told me you were interesting, but you’re literally always in bed”
Me: “I said I was INTO RESTING!”
One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out....
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
(On The Spot Joke) My Partner was in bed cracking her back and asked.....
“Hey can you hear my back crack”
I replied “yea can you hear my ass crack” then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man
Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed
What do you call a policeman in bed
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed ?
Because, it would blow his cover.
I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.
When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.
How do you make a water bed bouncier?