I hope this is not a bed pun
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom
That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.
My daughter refused to go to bed on time.
I told her she’d be booked for resisting a rest.
What did the blanket said when it fell of the bed?
I recently found my wife in bed with a gherkin
She’s in a bit of a pickle
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...
...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
Tho my son was going to start a petition to ban them, he slept on his specially built bed...
What size of bed did Freddie Mercury sleep in?
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
I don't mind breakfast in bed
...but I prefer it in a bowl.
I've been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?
As it turns out, my bed sheet was really just a pillowcase.
why do people go to bed?
because the bed doesn’t come to you.
What do pirates say in bed?
My wife was feeling frisky in bed and asked if she could defile me
To which I replied: But what if I like being filed?
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!
Turns out it was a total sham
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed?
"I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I'm a cop
What do you call an insect who’s good in bed?
My bed used to be on the floor but I recently bought a bed frame
I can honestly say the quality of my sleep is slightly above where it used to be
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
Have you heard the dad joke about the bed?
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Why do ghosts avoid Bed Bath and Beyond after eating Taco Bell?
They don’t want to get the sheets!
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
Your mother's been turned into a bed.
You put her out of her misery and commit matresscide.
What did the lawyer say when he put is suitcase to bed?
I just bought a bed that was advertised as making you fall asleep in under 5 minutes. It didn't work.
My friend walked upstairs, stepped on a banana peel, and fell on his bed
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
My Girlfriend went to bed not realizing what she said
She goes omg it's 1:30 already. I said no honey it's only 11:30. She said, well I missed that one...I bursted in while she was on the toilet to explain it's genus.
Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.
I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."
What kind of bed time stories does the big bad wolf tell his kids?
A man makes fresh coffee and takes it to his wife in bed....
She drinks it and goes: “Ugh, this tastes like dirt.”
He responds: “Well, honey, it was just ground.”
What do young latina women that are dating Snoop Dogg call him in bed?
I bought a discount bed sheet off of Facebook.
Turned out to be a sham...
What kind of joke did the German dad tell his kid before bed
Police caught me stashing drugs under the bed
I’m now being put under a rest
A guy I knew asked me how he could do better in bed.
I told him to try harder.
I wanted to try a different method when putting sheets on my bed
But I just made it up as I went along.
I had an employee at the hotel that ironed the bed sheets. I noticed that as the days wore on, the number of sheets ironed was going down.
Her job performance was de-creasing.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Why did the man where his glasses to bed?
To see his dreams more clearly!
I’m ready to bring my injectable coronavirus cleansers and gamma-ray beds to market
This is going to make a killing
What did Mick Jagger say when he found Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver?
'Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, get off of McCloud"
Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?
To measure how long they sleep!
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Her: "I'm thinking about a garden. Like, raised bed."
Me: "Who's Ray?"
Me: "And how do you know what his bed is like??"
Her: "Oh my god, shut up."
Why didn't the broom want to get out of bed
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
When you get a bigger bed
Why did the FBI agent go to bed?
He needed to be undercover.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring!
When I have kids, I will punish them by making them mix melted butter and flour until I send them to bed.
They will roux the day that they anger me.
What did the carrot say when his wife caught him in bed with a cucumber?
Seems I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle.
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
My water bed was really uncomfortable,
Then I realized it was full of hard water.
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
If a child is refusing to take their nap or go to bed... can I call the cops on them?
Technically they are resisting a rest!
Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...
... it’s ok but, we recovered.
If my child won't go to bed, I'll have him put in jail.
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:
"Where the fuck is my roof?"
Why are small dried up river beds so cool?
Because they are ex-stream!
Why did the bicycle go to bed?
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
I stayed at a hotel last night and came home with bed bugs!
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What do you call someone who shares a bed with a beggar?
A friend of mine said he was having sex with his girlfriend and then the cat jumped on their bed and started licking his butt
I said to the friend: "you're lucky he didn't get a prize for it, that would have been a catasstrophy"
It's good to have bed manners
I can make a bed from both sides...
.... Because I am bed dextrous.
My wife found out last night that I had swapped our double bed for a 14 foot round trampoline...
First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.
Why is the bicycle in bed?
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
What does James Bond do in bed?
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.