Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...

Because it has two shifts.

(hAH)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WWG_Genius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.

It was his Jed Eye Master.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?

Just 5 minutes more.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the banana sleep?

On the apri-cot!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

β€”

My 9yr old son just told me this πŸ€ͺ

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pagameba
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodrigoOrtuno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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What happens when CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the child abductor that sleeps alot?

It's a kid-napper.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boardzeroo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why keyboards don't get sleep....

Cos they have 2 shifts...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shubhamjain2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put baby alien to sleep ?

You rocket !

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the bicycle go to sleep ?

It was two tyred.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Stop talking in sleep
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomatosavergirl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do grizzlies sleep?

In their beardroom

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesallen1977
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I read that Shakira struggles to sleep and get comfortable in bed.

Apparently its because her hips don’t lie

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Jedi that can't get to sleep?

A restless Knight.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garmdian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When you hit the pillow to go to sleep

It's like a portal to another REM.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kidd-o
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do secret agents get the best sleep...

Because they’re always undercover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCraay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Campers are so passionate about where they sleep outside.

They’re in tents

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssee1848
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do flowers sleep?

The flower bed

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KB0MB3R
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?

...He goes under cover.

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedMeToTheFloor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.

When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Talking in his sleep is a hobbit
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisedalord1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Who tucked King Tut to sleep?

His mummy

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tH1CCDeNs3B01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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How does one’s height affect their sleep?

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beccah42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/La-Pumpo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know a keyboard never sleeps?

It's because it has two shifts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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If you poop in your sleep

you have sleep crapnea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodDReaper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me that a blindfold might help me sleep, but I don’t know.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dasbett311
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
For me, the urge to sing β€œThe Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma died peacefully in her sleep...

...unlike the rest of the people in the car who probably died screaming, β€œIrene! Irene! Wake up! Wake Up!!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramona_Lola
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of tissue can you sleep on?

A nap-kin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roke619
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Geologists sleep on?

Bedrock

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonkeyLord_11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lawyer say when he put his luggage to sleep?

"I rest my case."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Jeff Bezos can't sleep

until he puts his pajamazon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BumperBabyAngel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I sent my daughter to prison because she didn't want to sleep

She was resisting a rest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/egasz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.

It’s my dream job.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforclock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Sleep experts reckon that in order to stay optimally healthy, you need "6-8 hours a day".

That's me buggered then, my day has 24 hours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do Lycans go to sleep?

In were-houses

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftBrainToyTrain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally got 8 hours of sleep!

It took 3 days, but whatever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i10driver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
As a journalist I only sleep on corduroy pillows.

That way I always wake up with headlines ☝🏻

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ok_Impress7061
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
No matter how stressful my day is, I always sleep like a baby.

I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...

"Just 5 minutes more "

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeHunt_004
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How do astronaut parents soothe their baby to sleep?

They rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does a keyboard never sleep?

It has two shifts

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishanp1806
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I came so close to singing "the lion sleeps tonight"

I was only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtHedgehog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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