I would love to get paid to sleep.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
My 2 yo daughter doesnβt like to go to sleep.
Some nights I feel like a cop chasing a robber trying to catch her so I can put her to sleep, as she βsteelsβ away in various rooms of the house...
You could say sheβs βevading a-restβ...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
What are CIA agents called when they go to sleep ?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Why are cops allowed to sleep on the job?
Because they have the right to a rest!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
I've heard that if you exercise, drink plenty of water, and get enough sleep, your brain might nominate you for a prestigious award. I haven't won yet but I'm still trying!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
Why do you want to sleep in the woods?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
The key to falling asleep quickly is to sleep at the edge of the bed.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
"Hey Dad, Go to Sleep!"
No son, I'm resisting-a-rest.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
If I wake up after a long sleep,
Does that make me Captain America?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather.
Not like the people screaming in his car
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
What did the sleep deprived fremen say to the noisy sand worms?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
(hAH)
π︎ 46
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
β
My 9yr old son just told me this π€ͺ
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
I am very expert when going to sleep.
I can do with my eyes closed.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Where did the banana sleep?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Have you heard about the child abductor that sleeps alot?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
Do you know why keyboards don't get sleep....
Cos they have 2 shifts...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
How do you put baby alien to sleep ?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Why did the bicycle go to sleep ?
π︎ 37
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Stop talking in sleep
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
I read that Shakira struggles to sleep and get comfortable in bed.
Apparently its because her hips donβt lie
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
π︎ 205
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
Why do secret agents get the best sleep...
Because theyβre always undercover.
π︎ 156
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
When you hit the pillow to go to sleep
It's like a portal to another REM.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a Jedi that can't get to sleep?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?
π︎ 196
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
Campers are so passionate about where they sleep outside.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
Where do flowers sleep?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
For me, the urge to sing βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.
When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
Talking in his sleep is a hobbit
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
If you poop in your sleep
π︎ 33
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
How does oneβs height affect their sleep?
Taller people sleep longer in bed.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
Who tucked King Tut to sleep?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
My doctor told me that a blindfold might help me sleep, but I donβt know.
I canβt see myself wearing it.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
Did you know a keyboard never sleeps?
It's because it has two shifts.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
What type of tissue can you sleep on?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
What happens when CIA goes to sleep?
π︎ 35
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...
Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
How do astronaut parents soothe their baby to sleep?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 07 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
