I would love to get paid to sleep.

It would be a dream job.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My 2 yo daughter doesn’t like to go to sleep.

Some nights I feel like a cop chasing a robber trying to catch her so I can put her to sleep, as she β€œsteels” away in various rooms of the house...

You could say she’s β€œevading a-rest”...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x000b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What are CIA agents called when they go to sleep ?

Undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are cops allowed to sleep on the job?

Because they have the right to a rest!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snipesma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I've heard that if you exercise, drink plenty of water, and get enough sleep, your brain might nominate you for a prestigious award. I haven't won yet but I'm still trying!
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Traikan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do you want to sleep in the woods?

Forrest

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathBirdie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
The key to falling asleep quickly is to sleep at the edge of the bed.

You'll soon drop off.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/West_Yorkshire
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
"Hey Dad, Go to Sleep!"

No son, I'm resisting-a-rest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThinnerLocket325
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
If I wake up after a long sleep,

Does that make me Captain America?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keerat666
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather.

Not like the people screaming in his car

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ferventlycavalier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the sleep deprived fremen say to the noisy sand worms?

Stop making a rakis.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vartigy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...

Because it has two shifts.

(hAH)

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WWG_Genius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

β€”

My 9yr old son just told me this πŸ€ͺ

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pagameba
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I am very expert when going to sleep.

I can do with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.

It was his Jed Eye Master.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?

Just 5 minutes more.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the banana sleep?

On the apri-cot!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the child abductor that sleeps alot?

It's a kid-napper.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boardzeroo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why keyboards don't get sleep....

Cos they have 2 shifts...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shubhamjain2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put baby alien to sleep ?

You rocket !

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the bicycle go to sleep ?

It was two tyred.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Stop talking in sleep
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomatosavergirl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I read that Shakira struggles to sleep and get comfortable in bed.

Apparently its because her hips don’t lie

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

πŸ‘︎ 205
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do secret agents get the best sleep...

Because they’re always undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCraay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
When you hit the pillow to go to sleep

It's like a portal to another REM.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kidd-o
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Jedi that can't get to sleep?

A restless Knight.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garmdian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?

...He goes under cover.

πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedMeToTheFloor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Campers are so passionate about where they sleep outside.

They’re in tents

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ssee1848
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do flowers sleep?

The flower bed

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KB0MB3R
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
For me, the urge to sing β€œThe Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.

When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking in his sleep is a hobbit
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/praisedalord1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/La-Pumpo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If you poop in your sleep

you have sleep crapnea.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodDReaper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How does one’s height affect their sleep?

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beccah42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Who tucked King Tut to sleep?

His mummy

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tH1CCDeNs3B01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me that a blindfold might help me sleep, but I don’t know.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dasbett311
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know a keyboard never sleeps?

It's because it has two shifts.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.

It’s my dream job.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of tissue can you sleep on?

A nap-kin.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roke619
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RodrigoOrtuno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...

"Just 5 minutes more "

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeHunt_004
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How do astronaut parents soothe their baby to sleep?

They rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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